


Waiting for Sunrise

by shamebucket



Series: The Sun [1]
Category: Room No. 9 (Visual Novel)
Genre: Aftercare, Ambiguous Relationships, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkward Flirting, Blow Jobs, Body Worship, Coming In Pants, Communication Failure, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dry Humping, Finger Sucking, Formalwear, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Internal Conflict, Kissing, Love Bites, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation in Shower, Mental Health Issues, Naked Cuddling, Nipple Play, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Scent Kink, Sexual Frustration, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Switching, Undressing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wall Sex, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 19:10:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 89,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8221771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamebucket/pseuds/shamebucket
Summary: Daichi finally has to face his feelings. Or he could continue putting it off, maybe. (Spoilers for and post Ending F.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I make everything way bigger than it needs to be, lol. Sorry for any potential continuity errors both within the fic and with the source material, ばかだよな…俺の日本語が下手、ｗｗ

"Ahhh, I'm beat, Azumi-kun." I clap an arm around my best friend's shoulder as we leave the bar we just ate at, leaning into the warmth of his body in the crisp December air. When did we start hanging out so much again? There were always so many problems before in seeing each other, but it feels like we're able to see each other practically once a week since the summer even if we've got a lot to do, even if it's just for coffee. We call each other more, too - almost once a day now, talking about school and work and whatever else is happening that day. It makes my heart a little lighter being able to see him so often. Spending time with him makes everything better, seeing his smile and hearing his smooth voice. Being able to touch him, to breathe in the nostalgic scent of his clothes and his skin. He's wearing a pea coat jacket that smells like wool and vaguely of Seiji himself. I'm a little dizzy, and I tell myself that my overindulgence is the reason why I wanted to hug Seiji like this and not any other reason. Yeah. That makes sense. I just need to balance myself. It's nothing, and the arm he loops around my waist in return is to support me. I don't need to think too deeply about this body contact. It's normal. 

"You drank too much," Seiji says. He probably means to scold me, but a small smile dances on his lips, the one that I'm getting more and more reacquainted with where he is... hm, trying to tease me? Is that the right word? My head feels fuzzy. "Your face is red," he adds as he drags me along. 

"Mmmm, are you sure that's not because it's cold out? It was kind of hot in the bar! It's nice out here though," I try, probably looking stupid. It is an unusually cold evening. His nose is already turning a little pink, so maybe he'll buy it. His cheeks, too, right on his cheekbones. Closing his eyes, he shakes his head softly, his bangs brushing against his face as he lets out an amused sigh. Wow, he's really handsome. I'm so lucky to have a friend as smart and good-looking as him that still wants to hang out with me and is willing to help me in times like this. He's so important and special to me; I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather be spending my time with. 

It's the snow that starts falling around us, large fluffy flakes landing in Seiji's hair, that makes my heart start racing. They fall down in flurries, their beauty probably enhanced by the way the world is slightly spinning. He's entranced by them too, I guess, because he lifts his spare hand above his eyes and watches them drift down from the night sky. It's truly winter now, close to Christmas. Kind of romantic, huh? It would be nice if I was able to spend Christmas Eve with a girl, but I haven't dated anybody in a while. That's all that I think - that it would be nice. I've gotten awfully used to my right hand lately but you know, whatever. My right hand won't cheat on me. In a way, it's less stressful, and I can also get to spend more time with Seiji. It's not so bad. Doesn't help my plans of getting married and having kids, but... 

I realize after a minute that I'm still staring at Seiji, who has stopped walking and is looking at me with a slightly confused expression. "Are you alright?" 

Shit, let my mind go crazy there for a minute. I shake my head to try to dispel those weird thoughts. Bad idea. I stumble into him, my face pressed against his upper chest and forehead bumping against his chin. I probably jostle his glasses. After grunting and pushing me away enough for us to be comfortable, he holds me steady with both hands as I apologize and try to stand up straight. "Sorry, just let my thoughts get out of control... the snow's really pretty..." 

I don't think he trusts me. Maybe he shouldn't. I want to convince him that I'm fine but I can already tell that's a losing battle. His glasses are askew but his hands are on me, and nobody is here to fix them. I have a thought and realize it's stupid so I refuse to even think it. "Daichi, let me take you home tonight," he tells me firmly. He words it like a request, but I know it isn't. I usually can control myself before I get this bad, but the cold air made me lose myself, maybe. 

"But... you live so far away from me, and it's late..." I argue feebly. 

Seiji sighs, closing his eyes in thought, still holding me upright with an arm as I lean against him. I want to close my eyes too. It's comforting and I think I could be content falling asleep here. I start to relax and he shakes me. "Hey, stay awake," he orders. I stiffen up and look at him, his eyes cool and collected as he fixes his glasses. Not mean, just... Seiji. Typical Seiji. Dammit, why did he let me drink a few extra rounds tonight? Well... it's probably my fault because I insisted. He shakes his head again. I wonder if he's disappointed in me, but he looks more concerned than anything. I think. I hope... "Do you think you're well enough to ride the train?" Honestly, I'm not sure. He puffs out a sigh and raises his hand to his face, thinking. Oh, I probably said that out loud, didn't I. 

Luckily for us, there is a bench only a few meters away. He drags me over to it and I sit down. Like it's nothing, he takes out his phone and calls a cab. More snow lands on him, seemingly in slow-motion, dotting his pea coat for a while before melting into it. I feel hot, too - I'm only wearing a winter hoodie, but I almost want to take it off. It's cold but I feel so hot; any snowflakes that meet my hands or face immediately turn back to water. As he calls, he keeps turning back to me, making sure I'm still awake and where I should be. I'm kind of embarrassed; he's only needed to take care of me like this a few times, and it's a little humiliating... but what I hate the most is that right now, I feel nice, and the street lamp shining down on Seiji is making him even more handsome than normal, and the part of me that is lucid knows that I should just be grateful that he's here and not take everything so seriously. It's fine. Things are good as they are. Don't worry and don't think about it. 

That said, this is dangerous. 

The taxi ride home is uneventful, although I keep sliding in and out of sleep. Seiji lightly shakes me if I close my eyes for longer than a minute, and I respond with groaning. My chest - my head hurts. I had so much fun, but maybe I shouldn't have as much fun next time. When we arrive outside my apartment complex, I see Seiji pay the driver through the slits of my eyes before exiting his side of the cab and helping me out. My footing is a little more stable now, but he insists on helping me. If he notices that my leaning into him is more comfort than support at this point, he doesn't say anything. 

This creep of using him for comfort... that started a little later, maybe at the beginning of autumn. I started hugging him before he reached his stop on the train, out of nervousness that maybe this time he would disappear forever, which, to my surprise, he always accepts and gratefully returns. His hug is warm and strong and it suits him. It was just one hug, then it became practically every time. I don't even know how. Was Seiji the one to hug me a few weeks ago without me offering? Am I imagining things? Ah, fuck, I'm thinking too hard again. We're outside of my apartment door. "Keys," he tells me, and after fumbling in my pockets for a shamefully long time, I manage to give them to him. He unlocks the door and I stumble over to my futon, collapsing face first. "Don't do that," he says in the same way he always does. "It's dangerous to sleep that way when you're like this." I feel pitiful having him watch over me, but I roll over on my side like he wants me to. 

He keeps watching me. I'm confused. "When are you going home, Seiji?" He shakes his head and takes off his coat, folding it carefully and putting it on top of my fridge. Gingerly, he picks up the mat by my desk and moves it to the other side of the window, sitting down and folding his arms with a sigh. ...Oh, okay. I guess he's that worried about me. He knows that I would argue if he clarifies that he's staying all night so he isn't saying anything. It doesn't matter at this point, though, because, hoodie and all, I am falling fast asleep. I have idle fantasies of Seiji tucking me in, but when I realize how silly they are, I empty my mind and focus on my breathing, the rhythm of my heartbeat and the feeling of lead in my limbs. It doesn't take long before my consciousness fades to black. 

...

I wake up to a firm hand on my shoulder. Seiji's shaking me. I crack open my eyes and whimper - it felt so good not thinking about anything. "What's up?" I manage. 

Woah, he's smiling at me. His smile makes me feel like anything is possible even in the worst of times, so it's not my fault that I start feeling warm in my stomach. His body is so close to mine, after all. "I wanted to make sure you hadn't passed out and were just asleep. Sorry, I might do this a few times." 

I sit up and shake my head. "I'm fine!" I tell him. I do feel a little better, but the lights in the room are a bit bright. I slowly realize his hair is slightly wet. I think for a minute that I didn't think that it had been snowing that hard... and then I smell my soap on his skin. I cringe to myself, trying to suppress any thoughts that might be coming to mind. "Fuck," I whisper, hoping he doesn't hear me. 

Of course, he does. Narrowing his eyes, he puts a hand to my forehead. I'm sweating, but I don't think I have a fever. I realize now that Seiji turned up the heat a little in the apartment, because I don't feel as chilly as I normally would. I feel really hot, actually. He tsk-tsks and looks me in the eye. "Are you dizzy?" 

"Not really... I'm fine," I repeat, trying to sound more assertive than I feel. I'm not fine, I feel delirious and I'm having these weird thoughts that I'm sure is just the alcohol talking and so hot that I feel like I'm going to burn up. I really do think it's a combination of my jacket and the room being too warm, but... 

Seiji stands up, opens my fridge, and gets me a water bottle. "You should drink. It will make you feel better." 

I feel funny. I take the bottle from him and drink, my head spinning. I don't want to think about what it could be. My self-consciousness grows as I notice that Seiji is staring at me, his eyes still narrow and his face contemplative. What are you thinking? Why are you looking at me like that? The thoughts eat away at me, as I swallow and close the bottle. I wipe my mouth with my arm and ask, "You okay too?"

"Yeah..." he says, lifting his hand to his face. He's thinking about something. It's making me nervous. I can't think about what he's thinking about - that's even worse than thinking about what I'm thinking about. To my surprise, he lowers himself down next to me, staring at my jacket. "You should take that off." Before waiting for me to reach for my zipper, he undoes it for me, his hands quick and accurate. Blood is ringing in my ears and my face is tingling. He's so cool when he's like this but I - I should be able to take care of myself. Before he takes the jacket off for me, I try to shrug myself out of it, but I already feel his hands on my arms assisting me. I'm slightly leaned back and he's slightly leaned forward trying to help me. 

We're so close. I don't know if I can take this. I try not to make it obvious, but I look at him, trying to read what's on his face. It's complicated, different than it was a minute ago, but before I can think about it too hard - 

I feel his lips against mine, straightforward and effervescent. He pulls off what remains of my jacket with one hand, flinging it off the futon, and holds my shoulder with th other. It only lasts for a few seconds, and he pulls away. "Sorry," he whispers. "I didn't mean to..."

I don't want him to be sad, so I kiss him back. That's the only reason why, my drunk mind concludes. He murmurs something against this kiss, which is equally brief and chaste. His hands are on my shoulders, squeezing them lightly, and I wrap my arms around his back. I want to feel stable. I want to feel like I'm here with Seiji right now, no matter what we're doing. (A part of me is yelling at me to stop and push away from him, to not fuck things up, but right now it feels really good so I'm trying not to care... plus, he kissed me first... right?) When I get the nerve to look at his face, his face is pink and eyes glazed, pupils dilated. My heart is racing. "It's nothing," I say, words barely escaping my throat. 

What the hell did I just do? 

Suddenly he's on top of me, pinning my wrists to the futon. "Wahh," I gasp after I realize what he just did. His eyes are bright, boring into me with an air of curiosity. I think I'm gonna die if he continues staring at me like this. His glasses are sliding down his nose a little and I - almost think it's cute that he's so stubborn on holding me down like this that he doesn't fix them, but that thought can't finish where it was going because his face is on mine again, his eyes closed as he kisses me over and over, pecks turning into warm, full-lip kisses and I'm loving it and hating myself. Tentatively, I kiss him back, whimpering as I feel blood rush to my crotch. Must be because I haven't gotten laid in so long that I'm reacting so fast to him. As long as he's kissing me, I want to touch him, but I can't because his hands are pretty forceful. I think he's laughing to himself as he realizes my frustration, letting go of my hands and touching my face, stroking my hair as we kiss. I taste his tongue and it's mostly like toothpaste - I guess he brushed his teeth in the shower, too. That's very like him. He's... a really good kisser, knowing what to do with his tongue and when use teeth and when break away for a moment just to surprise me with an even more intense kiss. I'm lying down but I feel dizzy, grasping onto whatever I can find - his neck, his hair, the back of his shirt. I want to feel him and before I know what I'm doing, my hips start moving against his. The way he groans into my mouth excites me more than it should as he starts moving against me too, rolling against me in unison. His hands move away from my head and are now pressed palm-down against the mattress, right by my shoulders. I can't help it, I'm half-hard and needy. "Seiji..." I moan between kisses, but that just makes him kiss me deeper and hump me harder. I squeeze my eyes shut and see white—

—I suddenly remember the feeling of the shower splashing water against my clothed back, his wet skin and - fuck. Memories that I've tried really hard to block out but sometimes they come rushing back to me, startling me when I'm alone or sleeping and all I can do is try to sleep it off, try to forget, but I usually end up back in the shower jerking myself off and crying pitifully at the memory of _it_ , of him, of everything that happened and how I managed to fuck it up even more by doing that to him on our last day. Regretting everything I did, every stupid joke I cracked and every time I felt the same shit I'm feeling right now. 

What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? 

I somehow manage to break away from our kiss, and I push on Seiji's chest lightly with my hands. He's still thrusting against me, but not as hard. "S-Seiji, wait a minute," I stammer. He sits up on his knees and looks at me, his hair slightly disheveled. I try to not look down but I can see through his pants the confirmation that he's hard too, p-probably harder than I am at this point. 

"What is it?" His voice is husky. I clench a fist, trying to let the nails biting into my skin ground me. It's not working well. He grasps my arm, looking concerned now, brows knitted slightly. "Daichi." 

There are a lot of things I want to ask, but more images suddenly flood my mind. Seiji, that day back in middle school when he first noticed I was hungry and gave me most of his lunch, insisting I had it, the kind look in his eyes. Seiji, the day when I told him I was going to drop out, after school walking home, the sun filtering through his hair. Little things, like shortly after I moved into this apartment and we were eating snacks together and I notice the way Seiji's white teeth bite into the apple he'd been eating, slowly chewing and swallowing. Seiji, handsome as he did his homework diligently, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Seiji, laughing softly to himself when I tell him something stupid, his eyes crinkling slightly. Seiji. Seiji. My dearest friend, and the person I care most about in the entire world. The only person I can trust when everything else around me goes to shit. 

"Seiji..." I gulp and try to center myself, taking in a shaky breath. "Why did you do that just now?" 

"Hm." His expression turns cloudy. This doesn't look like the question he was hoping for, but one that he was suspecting. Dreading, maybe. (What was he hoping for?) I... I really don't know why he did that, now that I'm thinking a little more clearly. He sighs deeply, as if saying this out loud pains him. "Because I wanted to."

I don't understand. 

"I still want to." He's giving me this look now, eyes lidded and lips slightly parted. I curse inwardly. Fuck, he's so handsome! What resolve I have seems to be breaking - or, at least, changing into something else. 

I don't know what I'm doing, or if it's right, but I decide to kiss him, meeting his parted lips. He shoves me back down again, sliding his tongue into my mouth and grunting as he fumbles with my pants. Tense, I guide his hands to the button and fly of my jeans, and the feeling of his fingers lightly brushing up against my cock as he unzips me and pulls down my boxers sends shocks of electricity throughout my body. Fuck. I grasp for his pants too, greedy for any contact with his skin. He helps me too, and I can't believe how hard my heart is pounding when I feel how hot his dick is and feel him gasp at the contact. Just that, just enough for this to be more comfortable. I think we silently agree to that in our heads, bunching our pants around our knees. 

"Daichi," he whispers against my lips and starts moving against me, our cocks pressed up against each other. Fuck... this feels really good. It's really slick already and we didn't use lube or anything. I'm panting, gulping in air whenever I can as Seiji arches into me and continues kissing me. I don't know if he's doing it because he remembers that I like it or if it's because he wants to kiss me, too, but the pressure of his continuous kisses is very effective. I'm still definitely tipsy, so it's harder to keep it up than normal, but he's so hot that I can barely notice. Maybe it's good that it happened this way, or I probably would have come by now. I want to make him feel good, too. 

With one hand, I trail up Seiji's shirt and find my treasure. His nipple is already erect. He gasps into the kiss, his mouth opening wide - enough space for me to insert my tongue as I pinch his nipple and, with my other hand, wrap my hand around our dicks. The little noise he makes is music to my ears and my heart feels like it's thudding out of my chest. It's so hot. Seiji's skin is so hot. I wish I could touch him all over, but I really want to make him feel good more than anything else. My hand moves at a comfortable rhythm, hastening faster than it would if I was alone. It's okay. Seiji's here. I'm not just imagining him, he's actually on top of me, so it's going to go by faster anyway. He pulls away from my mouth to moan, something higher-pitched and beautiful. "Seiji," I gasp, entranced by the sight of him, speeding up my movements as he thrusts into my hand. Thrusts against me, creating a unique friction I haven't felt before. I wish I had more hands, wish that I could play with both of his nipples at once and stroke his back and touch his face and still be able to stroke us both off. I want him to know how perfect he is. 

I'm kissing Seiji. I'm ... doing it with him, in my room, in a safe place. I don't know if I'll feel this way tomorrow, but right now it's the best thing I've ever felt and I never want it to stop. 

He's close. His dick is twitching in my hand and his thrusts are erratic, his breath hot in my mouth and against my cheek. I'm close too, something hot roiling in my core, threatening to bubble over at any moment. Desperately, he presses his entire body down against me, making it so I can't touch him anymore. He looks into my eyes for a moment, his cool gaze giving me goosebumps, before he hugs my shoulders and kisses me deeply, thrusting away with everything he has and stroking my tongue with his. I hug him back with an intensity that surprises me, my fingers digging into his shirt as I grasp at his back. This closeness is intense, feels different than it was with any of my ex-girlfriends and lovers, and when I realize I can feel the pounding of his heart against my chest, I lose it. I come hard, seeing stars and moaning loudly into Seiji's mouth. I think he's coming too because his entire body tenses up against mine and I feel a sticky sensation spreading between our shirts. 

My head feels numb and my legs tingly as Seiji lies limp on top of me. He pulls away from our kiss enough to look me in the eyes and... he's smiling. I know we just... mgh... but he can't look at me like that. I'm about to avert my gaze when he kisses me again, sweeter, the rough intensity gone from before but just as passionate. I freeze. I don't know what to do. I think he realizes, because he softens up the kisses a little, cupping my cheek and stroking my hair. I... I don't know about this. But, for now, I tentatively kiss him back, and I hear him sigh in satisfaction. 

Everything starts turning fuzzy. Maybe this was too much for me, after all, or maybe I'm already trying to forget everything that's happening now out of shame or embarrassment. I'm aware of Seiji taking off my cum-stained clothes and putting them in the laundry hamper, managing to slide me into a clean t-shirt somehow and pulling up my underwear. I think he turns off the light because it's suddenly harder to see and not everything is as harsh, although light from the street still shins through the window. The way he takes off his own shirt makes me want to gulp, his toned chest glistening with sweat in the dim light. I can't believe how handsome he is without even trying. He tosses his shirt in the hamper, too, and sits back down on the mat by the window. "Don't mind me; please get some rest," Seiji whispers, leaning back against the wall. "I'll be here if you need anything." 

I think I'm smiling at him when I sink into sleep, but I don't want to admit that to myself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in this chapter (for anyone that needs it) for Daichi vomiting. It's not particularly graphic nor is it meant to be erotic, but I thought some might appreciate that warning!

I don't know if I like showers anymore. 

I'm washing away last night from my body, or at least everything that Seiji couldn't clean up himself. He had already left by the time I had woken up. Not that big of a surprise, as I slept in pretty late... I think it's a little past noon now. The scalding water hitting my skin is almost painful and doesn't seem to be cleaning me at all (no matter how hard I scrub and how red my skin is), so I rest my face against the wall and try to work through everything that happened in my head. Maybe I can calm down doing that. 

Hmm... I woke up about an hour ago with a headache and in a cold sweat. A t-shirt that I hadn't been wearing last night was stuck to my skin and my boxers clung haphazardly to my hipbones. I put the heel of my palm to my forehead and cursed myself. I think that by that point, I had slept off most of the alcohol, but everything hurt and I didn't want to think about anything - especially not why I was wearing a shirt that I hadn't worn in a few months. But I couldn't run from the memories on my skin, from a slight stickiness on my stomach that wasn't sweat, and from the unfamiliar clothing that was sitting in the hamper. Dreading what I thought I remembered, I walked over and gingerly picked it up. 

Seiji's cum-stained shirt was in there. He had tried to spot clean our shirts a little, but they definitely needed to get washed. I cringed and sighed as I looked at them. Well, I guess it's not like he could have walked around wearing a shirt like that. Can't be helped. I didn't want to worry about them so I just threw them back in the hamper for the time being. At that point, I realized that it wasn't like Seiji to just leave without any sort of message, so I pulled up my phone and opened up RHINE. I figured it was either that or he'd leave a physical note somehow, but I don't usually have scrap paper around. Sure enough, Seiji had left a few messages. 

>Daichi, I'm sorry for leaving.  
>My parents need me to do something around the house and I have to work on my thesis.  
>I would have stayed longer if I could.  
>There's rice porridge in the rice cooker. Please eat some. It will be easy to digest.  
>I borrowed one of your shirts. I'll make sure to wash it and return it to you. Sorry about the mess I left.  
>I'll call you tonight. Feel better. 

My head was spinning. How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? My hands shaking, I responded. 

>Don't worry, I'm fine.  
>I'm feeling a lot better now that I got some sleep. Sorry I acted weird last night. 

I paused. What do you even say after that? Normally, I'd say something like "Don't wash the shirt, I want to smell you on it!" or something, which was obviously a joke, but how could I say that after last night? Would he get the wrong idea? Another thought, but what shirt did he even take? What would he look like in it...? Flustered, I just sent the first things coming to mind. 

>You can keep the shirt, I don't really need it anyway.  
>Thanks for your help. Sorry. 

Fuck, I really didn't sound like myself at all but I couldn't figure out what else to say. Why was I even worrying about how I sound? It's just Seiji. Recalling how I felt then is frustrating because I felt the exact same angry confusion at myself that I'm feeling now. I don't need to worry about what Seiji thinks about me - we're close friends. There's nothing deeper to it and there's no need for me to feel anxious. I wish I could go back in time and send what I was originally thinking about sending because it doesn't sound weird, it sounds like me and who the hell knows what last night means. It probably didn't mean anything at all, just that Seiji hasn't gotten laid in approximately the same time as me, which is fucking long. Unless he had a one-night stand and didn't tell me, which isn't like him. I'm not Seiji but I don't think I'm completely ugly looking, so I'm not the worst choice if he had to mess around with a guy for a night... 

I punched my bed as hard as I could. It hurt for a moment. I felt sorry for myself. 

The rice porridge was just another insult to injury. It was perfect and warm and it felt so good as I was eating it. I didn't have much around the apartment, but he managed to scrape together a really nice meal for me. It's not like rice porridge is particularly hard to make, I guess, but it tasted like home. I tried to think about the last time I had something as nice as this... and it was probably a few years ago when we decided it might be fun to try to make dinner together. His cooking is simple but very clean and tasty and he manages to add the perfect amount of seasoning. Is there anything Seiji does that isn't perfect? My mother didn't even cook like this, I thought to myself... and it's like everything I could possibly think that would make my mood get worse kept popping into my head. 

I started taking a shower immediately after and I'm still here, scrubbing my skin as hard as I can because I feel so dirty. I can't touch myself below my navel, though, which is probably where I need to wash the most but I don't want to have any more of these awful thoughts. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I just want to spend time with Seiji in the way that we always have and be friends in the same way that we always did. 

However, I remember the taste of my toothpaste in his mouth and the hitched breaths he sighed and the pressure of his body against mine and there is no way for me to stop it. I hate to admit it, but my body doesn't lie: I'm kind of horny thinking about last night. I haven't touched myself at all but I'm stiff and aching for it. It crosses my mind that maybe I'll stop thinking so much if I jack off. I heave a heavy sigh and nod. Yeah. Maybe that will work. Better than this, anyway. 

My hand around my dick is a familiar and almost comforting as I start jerking off at a moderate pace, trying to focus only on the sensation. I moan softly to myself; it does feel really good, I think as I feel my hand get slick with pre-cum and water. Sometimes, playing with yourself really is the best, because nobody knows your body like yourself. My cheek presses against the wall and the contrast of the still-cool tile and the hot water makes me dizzy for a moment. That moment of non-concentration is enough to have thoughts that I was pushing under rise to the surface— 

_—His eyes are so cool, staring at me intently before he takes my cock in his hand. I still don't know what to do, hesitating to touch his half-hard dick even though he's already stroking away at me. I'm fully erect in seconds and my thoughts are racing as I touch him. Why am I enjoying this so much? What's going on through his head? Why did he decide that this would be the best way to do this - and why are we way more aroused this way than we were sitting side by side? His sighs are so sweet, but he's definitely focusing on trying to get off and trying to get me off. What is this? Why is this happening? Why am I thinking about kissing him and having sex with him? "Focus," he tells me._

_I hesitate, but answer "Got it." His hand feels so good._ I'm moving my hand faster, my rhythm steadily growing more hectic. _His eyelashes flutter behind his glasses, but I can't think about that. His cock is twitching in my hand and I really want to make him feel good, so I rub my thumb up against the frenulum and —_

I'm coming hard, teeth gritted to stifle a groan. There isn't a lot of semen this time because I came so recently, but I'm shaking and feel dizzy. I lean into the wall, trying to regain my balance. The water is hot against my chest and my jizz is washed away like it never existed. The shame remains and festers within, and it feels like the bottom of my stomach is filled with rocks. I think my body is remembering something. My skin is so clammy. I really don't feel good. 

I run out of the shower and reach the toilet just in time, emptying my stomach of the delicious porridge Seiji made me. I'm crying a little because it hurts and because I hate that I'm wasting what he made me. I hear my mother's boyfriend screaming at me that this is a waste and that they don't have enough money to feed me again so I better enjoy what I've been given a second time or I won't get to eat. I'm trembling and I hate that I'm still like this, that I can't get his voice out of my head at the most inconvenient times. I could probably beat him up now if I wanted to because I think I'm stronger than he is now that I'm grown, but I'm cowering by the toilet and weeping instead. His imposing presence looms over my quivering body as I dry heave over and over. 

I wipe my mouth with the back of my arm after I think there's nothing left to come up anymore and lean against the wall, steadying my breathing. I feel numb and empty. What would Seiji think if he saw me this pathetic? I ask that to myself idly, but I don't know... it's hard to tell what he's thinking sometimes, but he's always been there for me if I need him, and I've always been there for him if he needs me. Maybe he wouldn't hate me as much as I hate myself. Maybe. He didn't hate me when there were obvious bruises that I couldn't hide from him and he didn't hate me when I... when I did... that... at least not enough to make him stop talking to me. I clench my fists. I still can't believe I did that horrible thing. 

But he's smiled at me so many times since then, the kind where his eyes crinkle and the corners of his lips turn up just enough that you can tell that he's being caring, a smile I haven't seen him make to too many other people. When was the last time I saw him smile at a girl like that? ...Have I ever seen him smile at a girl like that? Does he have a different smile that he uses for girls that he likes? I didn't get to meet any of his few girlfriends, so I don't know. I'm one of his only friends, so maybe it's just a smile he uses for friends? Do I have a smile that I use just for him...? 

I shake my head. More importantly, why am I thinking about this? I step back into the still-running shower to rinse myself off again. I turn down the temperature and it's slightly more comfortable. I gargle some of the water to at least get the acrid taste of stomach acid out of my mouth. I'm trying to calm down. I don't feel completely shitty like I did a minute ago, but the weight has been placed on my heart instead of my head and stomach. 

Seiji makes me feel like the entire world has flipped upside-down, sometimes, even though it also feels like he's the only thing tethering me to reality. I don't understand this at all.

~*~

He calls a little before dinnertime, while I'm doing some reading for school. I think about not picking up for two seconds, but... if I'm honest with myself, I do want to talk to him. Not really about what happened last night, but I do want to talk. I pick up my phone and rest it between my shoulder and ear. "Hello?" I say, trying to sound as laid-back and normal as possible. Hopefully it's working.

Seiji sighs. "Hello. You're still awake; that's good." His voice is insistent. I guess he's going to tell me something. 

"Seiji, what's up?" I slide a pen between the pages of the book I'm reading and close it. 

"I'm sorry for giving you no notice, but I'm on my way to your place." Ahh... it does kind of sound like he's walking away from the train towards my neighborhood, now that he mentions it. 

I blink. "Huh? But why?" 

"To return your shirt." I sigh, probably sounding a little defeated, and he continues. "You have fewer shirts than I do. It's only polite for me to return what I've borrowed from you when I have so many myself." 

"Jeez, you don't need to brag, rich kid..." 

He chuckles softly. "I'll be over in about ten minutes. Open the door for me?" 

I am suddenly extremely self-conscious of what I'm (not) wearing and sit up straight. "Ah, of course!" I stand up and start cleaning up the mess I'd left this morning. 

"Well, I'll see you then." 

"Yeah."

He hangs up and all I can hear is my heart rattling in my chest. Fuck, I wasn't expecting to see him again so soon, and the apartment is a mess! I'm a mess! I'm still in my pajamas! Fuck! First thing's first, I guess: gotta change into some real clothes. I strip down to my underwear and shove on something that will look at least somewhat presentable. I should at least not look like a total slob when I'm opening the door, because that's all this will be, right? After that, I can get comfortable again. I sigh and shake my head. You gotta focus, Daichi! I wash the dirty dishes I had lying out and put the sad, leftover porridge in the fridge. Don't have time to wash Seiji's shirt, but what's done is done. I at least tidy up the bin to make it not look awful and make my bed. Okay. This looks alright. 

My phone pings. A message from Seiji. "I'm coming in." Just in time! I stand awkwardly by the door for a few minutes before I hear him knock. I immediately open the door and see his handsome face. 

He's carrying a bag in each hand - one filled with plastic food containers, and the other with what I'm guessing is my shirt. He isn't looking at me any differently than he normally does. At once, I feel relieved and even more nervous than if he had looked at me differently. There's a small smile on his lips. "I brought food. I know you were probably going to order some unhealthy take-out, but you need to take care of yourself when you're sick. You still have a fever?" 

I raise my eyebrows. I didn't even realize that I had a fever last night. "Ah, you took my temperature?" Shit, I forgot to say the most obvious thing: "Hello, by the way, and thanks for coming." 

Seiji shakes his head. "I knew you weren't doing so well last night and you look a little tired and red. Looks like it was good that I brought food." I realize I'm standing in the doorway, so I move to the side a little so he can walk in. He sets down the food on the floor and takes off his shoes and his jacket. He's really very graceful, like he instinctively knows the most elegant way to move and always moves that way. I don't know if I've ever looked at anybody else taking off their shoes that intently. After folding his jacket and putting it on top of the fridge again, he turns to me. "Did you eat at all today?" 

I sheepishly look at the floor. "Um, yeah... but I got sick and didn't keep it down." 

He looks me over a little more carefully. "You look better than last night, at least. Are you still feeling nauseous?" 

I debate telling the truth about why I threw up for a minute, but don't. "No, I must've overexerted myself or something. It's been a while since then, but I haven't been that hungry." Seiji's eyebrows knit and he frowns. I smile at him. "Don't worry! I promise I'll try to eat now that you're here." 

He looks at me from the corner of his eye as he pulls out my dishes. "You should eat, but don't overdo it or force yourself." 

"Sure." I start taking the food out of the bag and I'm surprised to find that it has a pleasant warmth that seeps into my skin. "Did your mom make this?" 

"Yeah. I helped some of the prep, but she did most of it." 

I feel a pang of guilt that's years old. "Please tell her 'thank you' for me." 

"Of course, but she's happy to do it. She cares about you and asks me about you often." He places some rice into his bowl. "I told her that I was out because you weren't feeling well and she wanted to make sure that you were fed. She knows how hard it is to cook when you're not feeling your best." He opens a container of fried eggplant and picks out a few pieces before offering it to me. 

I take the container and pick out a few pieces myself. The aroma drifting up to my face is really something. I take a bite of the eggplant and rice and it tastes like middle school, like so many lunches when Seiji noticed I was hungry and shared what he had with me. I didn't notice it right away, but he started bringing almost double the amount of food he had brought before just so I could be guaranteed one meal a day. At first, he'd give me all his meat, but one day I noticed that there was more than usual and we both were able to have some. I guess his mom cared about me even back then, even before I started coming over to their house whenever I thought I could get away with it. It's food made with a mother's love. It feels good. 

I wonder how she'd feel about me if she knew what I did to her son. 

I put down my bowl and stare at the floor. "I don't think I'm ready to eat yet after all. Sorry." 

Seiji shakes his head. "You need to listen to your body. The food is yours, so it will be here later." He continues eating, slowly and carefully, probably as to not make any noise. He's very considerate. I really love that about him. He takes a bite of his rice and frowns, swallowing hard. "Are you okay?" he says after a moment of contemplation. "Emotionally. You've been acting a little strange." 

I'm shocked; this is new. He doesn't normally ask questions like this and lets me speak for myself. "Uh, well..." 

His eyes are very cool and my heart is pounding as he stares at me. I can't tell if I'm scared or if I'm... or what. "Is it about... last night?" He stops eating too, placing the bowl to the side of him. 

I inhale sharply at the question. I don't know what to say. Why can he always read what's going on in my head and I have issues figuring out what he's feeling? Why is he asking me this? Why did he even do anything last night when he should have just left me alone? He knows that I hurt him. He probably knows that deep down, I know that I'm capable of still hurting him, maybe worse than before. I could have hurt him worse in the hotel, treated him less kindly and used him, but pain is still pain. I don't see how he doesn't understand that. 

"Daichi." Seiji's voice is commanding and I have to look at him, into his cool, determined eyes and feel my heart start going crazy in my chest. "I'll say it again. I did it because I wanted to. Although..." He closes his eyes and sighs. "I should have made sure that you wanted to, too. I shouldn't have done that while you were drunk. Sorry." 

"That's not the problem," I say before I realizing that I'm talking. Shit, he's looking at me now, focused and slightly curious. I bite my lip. "I don't understand why. For one thing, I'm a guy, and for another..." I can't bring myself to finish the thought. 

He looks as bewildered as I feel, but doesn't say anything. I wish he'd say something. Finally, he sighs, his face severe. "It doesn't matter. I wanted to." 

Sometimes, I feel like I don't understand Seiji at all. This is one of those moments. How... why would he...? With me? After everything that happened, everything I did to him? He shakes his head and continues eating, as if that's all that he needed to say. I think he's a little mad because he's eating faster than he normally does. What is he mad about? Is he mad at me? Why would he be mad at me if I don't understand what the hell is going on? 

I reach over and grab his wrist on impulse. He looks at me, cool as ever, not even flinching. "Answer me," I demand. I don't sound as cool as I thought I would in my head. His gaze doesn't falter as he stops eating and puts his dishes on the floor, leaning in to me. 

His answer is a kiss, almost unpleasantly hot. It travels through me, waves of intense instinct rippling across my body. It's charged but strangely chaste, only lip to lip contact and his fingers threading through mine. I kiss him back, needy and wanton, and he grunts, grabbing me and pulling me into him. The kiss deepens when I gasp at the surprise contact, but I don't feel compelled to push him away or stop him when he does. Frustrated at how aroused I'm getting, I push him down on his back as the kiss continues. He grinds up against me and I feel my heart in my throat. This isn't an answer, but I can accept this right now. His hands are in my hair, on my back, squeezing my butt, all in rapid succession and randomly swapping with each other. I shouldn't feel this sexually frustrated, considering I've already come twice in the past 24 hours, but I am. I want him, and I'm not drunk but I think I can at least be this honest with myself. Maybe this is what I wanted all along, to have sex with him and not pretend that it's something else. I don't know why he would want to have sex with me, but he seems willing enough right now so why not. 

I thrust back against him too and he whimpers, a sweet sound. I want to touch him all over. He pulls me down against him chest to chest, his body wracked with something. I really, really want to touch him. I slide my hand down and unleash him from his pants. "Mmf," he grunts, trying to say something while still kissing me. I pull away just enough for me to understand him trying to say "bed". I get off of him and, after standing up, he grabs my shirt and kisses me again. We are grasping at each other and ripping off our clothes as we make it to the mattress. His cock is pressed against my leg, half-hard by the time I lay him down, a little more gently this time. His eyes are slightly glazed over and lips parted. I open my mouth to say something, but I have no idea what to say and Seiji's starting to say something anyway. "...Inside, this time," he breathes. 

To say I'm surprised is probably an understatement, but... to be honest, I really want to be inside him, too. "Alright," I confirm, and stand up, opening my cabinet to get out my lube and condoms. I chuckle to myself looking at the expiration date: probably good that I'm using them now! Seiji is frowning at me when I look back at him, and I explain. "They're expiring next month, so I guess it's good luck that you decided that we should have sex." He scrunches his face in what I'm guessing is exasperation. "Ah, sorry, I'm coming." 

"I thought that was a line for later on." 

I can't help but snort. Seiji is unreadable as usual, but he can be pretty funny sometimes. The situation is a little surreal, looking at it objectively: I have no idea how my best friend feels about me, and I don't want to destroy our friendship, but we're having sex for the second time in a day. I think he realizes how strange it is too, because his stare is somewhat blank as I put my face between his legs and look at his cock. It really is a beautiful color and the perfect shape. Looking him in the eye, I kiss it, and it twitches to life, blood rushing to it. This is only the second time I've ever sucked a dick, but I know what Seiji likes at this point. I put my mouth around the glans and he sucks in a breath. Good. I lube up my fingers as I start sucking him off, rolling my tongue around him. He sighs and pets my hair. I don't really want to admit it because it's kind of weird, but being petted by Seiji feels nice. I try to make sure the lube is warm on my fingers this time, and gently rub Seiji's asshole. A yelp dies in his throat and he groans, shaky gasps intermittently meeting my ears. "I'm ready," he hisses, and I slowly slide a finger in. It's not nearly as hard as it was the first time, but ... I don't want to think about that, so I don't. It's not as hard as it was the first time, and that's good. I'm probably being a little lazy with my dick-sucking, but Seiji's face is already red and his cock is hot and hard in my mouth. It's hard to tell because everything in my mouth is wet, but I think he's leaking pre-cum. It's a little salty... but I think Seiji took a bath before coming, because he's very clean. Did he... anticipate this would happen? I stop sucking for a moment to take in that thought and my mind starts going blank. 

Seiji pats my head a little and I look up at him. His face is hard to read, but he is smiling a little. "You can add more," he says, basically ignoring that I've stopped sucking him off. I can't leave him hanging! I insert a second finger and take more of his cock into my mouth, slurping him. He groans and his fingers grasp at my hair, tugging slightly. I shiver and press my tongue against the underside of his cock as I move my head up and down, fingering him deliberately, opening him up and searching for his prostate. "A little higher," he gasps. I press against something swollen and he bucks his hips into my mouth. I gag a little and push his hips down with one hand, but there we go. I found it. I start sucking him a little more vigorously while I rub against his sweet spot, savoring his moans. "Wait, stop... with your mouth," he pants. 

I stop sucking him, continuing my digital ministrations while I peek up at his red face. "What is it?" 

He looks away and sighs. "Don't want to come yet..." 

I can't help but give his dick a final kiss before murmuring, "Right." He groans as I add a third finger, thrusting like if it was me inside of him. I really want to be inside of him. I'm panting too, my cock ready at attention and throbbing. 

His eyes are squeezed shut, and he's biting the back of his hand. "...I'm ready," I'm able to make out, and he stares at me with this fevered look that is driving me crazy. 

I hum my assent and pull my fingers out of him. He makes a small, sad noise when I leave him. Don't worry, Seiji. I won't leave you waiting for too long. I tear the foil of the condom and pinch the tip, unraveling it on my dick. Right, looks like it's on and won't cause any problems. I lube myself up and jerk myself a few times, and when I notice that Seiji is staring intently at me, I shiver, moaning. He is so, so handsome, and the way he's looking at me - in hungry anticipation - makes me feel like the sexiest man alive. Carefully, I lower myself on top of him and kiss him softly - really, it's nothing more than a few pecks. "I'm going to start," I tell him. When did my voice get so hoarse? He nods, his eyes glassy and still. He must be feeling as out of it as I am. The main part of my brain that isn't completely being driven by instinct is telling me that this is fucking crazy and that I should stop, but I want to, he wants to, I should just do it, right? 

I lift his hips a little, positioning myself and preparing for this, for what I've probably secretly been waiting for for months now. I press myself up against him, prodding him and rubbing against him. He groans and I know that he wants it. I want it. I slowly enter him and he tenses up, crying out at the sudden sensation. I'm wearing a condom this time, so the sensation is dulled, but Seiji is really hot. The sensation feels... different, but really good. Really fucking good. He is shaking and whimpering. I hold his hand as if to tell him that it's okay and I kiss him. He kisses back, gasping and whimpering into my mouth. Okay. It's probably okay. I start to move, resting my head on his chest as I thrust into him, trying to focus on his prostate. 

"Ah!" He cries out and clings onto my back. "Daichi..." Kissing his collarbone, I thrust into him a little harder. His body is very reactive; his nipples are stiff and his cock is hard and poking my belly. Carefully, I position my arms so I can rub his nipples as I'm thrusting and not crush him. His eyebrows knit and he groans, panting and holding onto my shoulders. This feels really good. Seeing him react like this is turning me on even more - I want him to come for me, I want to make him come on my own without any of his help. 

I'm about to start giving him everything I have when I notice that he's crying. I stop moving. 

Tears are running down his face and he's shaking minutely, so small that I didn't recognize it when I was actively fucking him. The tremors are like a current of sharp electricity on his skin - he is covered in gooseflesh and whimpering. This isn't good crying, even if his body is reacting positively. ...Oh, fuck. His eyes are still glazed over. I completely misread him. 

I feel like an awful human being. 

I'm not hard anymore and Seiji's erection is sad, but I don't want to have sex anymore, anyway. I feel sick to my stomach, head pounding. _You're an awful person, Daichi. You didn't pay attention to your friend. Seiji must hate you._ I get off of him and shake his shoulder. "Seiji, are you okay? Seiji?" 

He shakes his head and turns his face to the side, wrapping my pillow around his face, whimpering as quietly as he can. My heart aches. Fuck! This was exactly why I buried these feelings in the first place. Tears prick my eyes like thorns and I try to shove them back in, pressing my wrist against the corners of my eyes. It doesn't work. I'm crying too. I don't know what came over me. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I'm the fucking worst. 

So why do I feel his hand fall on top of mine and squeeze it? Why, even though he's trembling and probably afraid of me, does he want to comfort me, too? 

I don't know but I feel completely drained and wasted. Swearing to myself, I pull off the condom and throw it in the trash. Seiji's hand flies off of mine and I hate that I probably scared him, but this isn't right. Frustrated, I find my underwear and put them back on. I don't want to look back at my futon, I don't want to see him crying. I cover up Seiji for modesty and lie down next to him, facing away. Thoughts swirl in my head, so much that I can't hear the sound of my regret, can't hear Seiji crying next to me. _I'm inside of him. "Daichi...!" he cries, teeth gritted. I feel so sorry for him. I don't want him to hurt, but I have to do this... and it feels so good. I hate this so much. I hate that I have to do this, and I hate that I don't absolutely hate it even more._ It overpowers me, the conflicting feelings of arousal and disgust and anguish. I ... I care about Seiji so much. Why would I ever do that to him, even though I was forced to? I should have insisted that he cut off my finger a little bit harder. He can't forget that I did this to him, and nor can I. It's the same difference. It's useless. I've completely fucked up my relationship with Seiji. Things aren't ever going to be the same after tonight, after this summer, after our fated Okinawan vacation. 

My self-hatred clouds out my consciousness, but I think I feel something strong and warm wrapping around me as I drift to sleep. I hate that I take solace in that comfort.


	3. Chapter 3

Monday morning, before the sun rises. The most still part of week, before everybody wakes up, before the first rays of light peek out from under the horizon. Even more still in December, when it's cold and nobody wants to be outside. I'm waking up because my body doesn't like sleeping more than it has to (and maybe because someone left the light on in the bathroom, which casts a dim light on my futon), but I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My cheeks are stinging a little and my head is fuzzy. I must have cried in my sleep. That doesn't surprise me as much as it should, but it's something I've gotten more used to the past few months. There is something else, however, that startles me so much that I nearly jump. 

Seiji is in bed with me, wearing only his underwear. He's... he's not just in bed with me. My head is resting on his chest, snugly tucked there and supported by his arm (securely hugging my back), the rhythm of his breathing an unexpected calm for my burnt-out nerves. One of my arms is curled up beneath him, my right hand cradling his left shoulder, and the other is... it's on Seiji's chest, too, my fingers tangled with his. My face is tingling and I'm finding it hard to breathe properly. I feel so safe, but... I don't remember falling asleep like this! When did this happen?! And more importantly, why is Seiji still here, and in bed with me no less? 

I try to move to get up but Seiji grunts in his sleep, frowning and hugging me closer. His hand squeezes mine and his heart beats a little more clearly, loud enough so I can hear it. I sigh and nuzzle into his chest, soaking in the warmth of his skin. Well, I guess this is how it is, huh. In truth, "hate" would not be a word I would use to describe how I feel about this. He smells nice, like whatever cologne he uses (flowers... verbena?) and fresh soap and water. I know I probably don't smell as good, and that he cares about that kind of thing a lot, but he's still hugging me this tightly in his sleep. When was the last time I felt this comforted in someone's embrace? 

—I remember the hiss of the shower and his stifled weeping, and I shake my head, trying to dispel the memory. I'm not ready to think about that with him, yet. Let's wait a little longer. I'm okay with this for right now, just feeling the solidness of his body and the way he's holding me, the beating of our hearts and the dark sky above our heads enveloping us in a comfortable cocoon. I don't need anyone else, just Seiji and his embrace. My oldest friend, my closest companion, the person most important to me. Maybe it's weird that we're like this, that we're in bed together after everything that has happened between us, but this is okay. This is okay. Seiji's arm moves up from my back and gently cradles my head, stroking my hair. It feels... really, really nice to be comforted like this. I sigh and lean into him a little bit more. 

It occurs to me that this means that he's probably awake. I think I'm going to pretend that I'm asleep, or at least be honest that I don't want to talk right now. This is all I need. The fog in my mind is slowly disappearing and filling with Seiji. The heat radiating from his skin, the sound of his breathing, the rhythm of his heart - these are all things that are real, that I can tangibly feel, all things that I can use to center myself. One of his hands running its fingers through my hair, the other squeezing my hand tightly, thumb rubbing comforting pressure into the side of my hand. He's real. He's here. Unlike whatever I dreamed about, he is in front of me right now, and is proof that I'm alive, that I've made it through some difficult trials. I made it out. He made it out, and somehow, we're still friends. This is... okay. I don't know how normal it is anymore, but it's okay. 

I squeeze his hand back and sigh, my voice catching in my throat. Seiji moves his head slightly and nuzzles my forehead. My heart feels funny, like it's racing and hurting at the same time, like I got dumped after running a marathon. "Good morning," he murmurs. His voice vibrates against my hair. It tickles a little and I breathe out a laugh. 

I guess I can't hide that I'm awake. "Morning," I return. He sighs and hugs me closer to him, making it so I'm half-lying across his chest, my ear near his steady heart. His skin is so soft and smooth and a beautiful color - it amazes me that he doesn't constantly have a girlfriend (hell, maybe even that he's not married by this point because he could easily have anybody he wanted), but I guess he's the reserved type and doesn't want to make any undue moves. Truly a shame, because he's so handsome and smart and cool and kind. Really, he's the best guy I've ever met. Any girl would be super lucky to have him, and I really don't get why his ex-girlfriends dumped him. I think this to myself as he strokes the back of my head, almost like he's petting me. 

We're quiet. I don't know what he's thinking - I barely even know what I'm thinking, at this point. I... I care about Seiji a lot, and I know that things are definitely changing between us, so is it okay that I'm able to be held like this? Or is this another thing that will come crashing down on my head later? I wonder if he's thinking the same thing. After a sigh, he lets go of my hand and traces the scar on my left hand that I barely notice anymore. Honestly, it's pretty small, and most people don't see it unless they know what they're looking for. ...Of course Seiji would know, and Seiji would notice. It's neither of our faults, but I suddenly feel guilty. I tilt my head towards him and his face is severe and deep in thought as he circles the scar with his thumb. He's not wearing his glasses, so there is nothing for him to hide behind. (I really love how deep and clear his eyes are... but that's beside the point.) I mean, of course he feels bad, because he was the one who did this to me. Not that I hate him for it or anything - I'm kind of glad, if I'm honest. It meant that I didn't have to do something awful to him instead. God, it really ramped up to horrible things towards the end there, so what might have come next... I don't even want to think about it. Of course it hurt like hell at the time, but it doesn't bother me anymore. He was very careful and it healed well for what it was. The other scar is the one that causes some problems, but even that's fine. 

As if he's reading my mind, he touches that one, too, running his fingers up and down it. Again, it could have been a lot worse had he not treated it as well as he did, but there's still a long scar that looks a little suspicious on my left arm. It's alright. I just wear more long-sleeved shirts than I used to, and it started getting chillier after our vacation ended, anyway. I can worry about it again come summer. By then, it might be a thin white line that is barely visible, or maybe a slight dent in my skin. Seems like it's healing that way. There have only been a few people who have given me weird looks after noticing the scar, but nobody has said anything. I know it looks like I did something bad to myself, but it could be anything. Nobody has the right to know my life story, nobody should ask. Nobody needs to know. Just Seiji and me. 

His breathing has gone a little unsteady. Alarmed, I look back up again, and, although he's a lot better at hiding it than I am, I can tell that he's pretty upset. "Seiji." He looks at me, and the regret in his eyes is palpable. I smile at him. "It's okay. You did what you had to. It's nothing." 

He looks off to the side and sighs, puffing out a stream of air through his nose. "It's not nothing. I still hurt you, and those marks will always be on you." The consternation on his face is complex for him - it probably would look like nothing on anybody else, but I see my best friend despairing. Why? It's nothing compared to what I did to him... he feels guilty about this little thing? 

I grab his hand and squeeze it. It is clammy and cold, but still strong. "Hey, it's not like you chopped off my arm. It's not super obvious." I keep smiling. It's the only thing I can do, the only thing I'm good at. "I'm okay, Seiji. It doesn't hurt anymore, and you didn't cause any major damage." I chuckle, trying to joke around. "I'm still able to be versatile when I jerk off! Not just a righty after all." 

He snorts, a small smile on his lips as he looks at me with soft eyes. "That's a weird thing to say right now, Daichi." He pulls my palm closer to his, intertwining our fingers. Good, I think he's relaxing. 

"Nah, I think my timing is perfect. You were feeling sorry for yourself, and you shouldn't! I'm glad you did what you did. We wouldn't have gotten out of there if you hadn't." It's weird - I've been keeping all these thoughts in, suppressing them because it was taboo to talk about it, but seeing Seiji so uncomfortable with his choices spurs me on to be honest. His body is more relaxed, but he's starting to frown again. I guess this has been weighing on him as much as it has on me. "I know... I know that you really didn't want to, but really... I'm glad. I don't know what would have happened to us if you didn't, and I -" I swallow. This is the one thing I can't admit out loud yet. _I don't know what I'd do without you._

He cocks his head in curiosity. "...Hm?" 

"N-Nothing," I stammer. I sigh, trying to calm my nerves. Why do I feel so tingly and on edge? Seiji nods and closes his eyes, rubbing my back. This... this really feels good, I think as I close my eyes and lean into his chest. "Mmm, I could probably fall asleep again..." I mumble to myself before realizing that I definitely said that out loud, and loud enough for Seiji to hear. 

While still continuing his caress, he admonishes me. "No good. We both have class today, so we should get ready soon." 

Unconsciously, I whimper. I've been as diligent a student as I can be and worked hard to keep my scholarship, but I really don't want to go to university today. More specifically, I don't want to leave bed, or these arms. "What time is it?" 

"Not quite half past five, but don't forget that my university is farther away from here than yours is." Hesitantly, as if unsure if it's okay, he brushes the bangs off my forehead. I shiver slightly at the contact. "We can be like this for a little while longer, if you want." His voice is low and warm and it makes me feel safe. Is it okay to feel this? Is it okay to not push myself out of his arms, to not tell him that it's weird and kind of gross for friends to be doing this? ...Are we friends, after this weekend? 

I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. It's a little over an hour before I usually wake up, and I really don't want to let him go yet. Just a little longer, before the illusion fades. "Mm." 

"...Okay." His arms link around my back and squeeze me too as he exhales deeply. I can feel his heart throbbing in his chest. Mine is too. Should I address this? Is he feeling okay? Is he scared? Or is he... I hear myself make a little noise that I can't contain, as much as I'd like to. No... Seiji's been really open the past few days, but he's not the sort of person to say what he's really feeling, if he's sad or scared. But one thing is going to eat away at me if I don't say anything. 

"So, uh..." I swallow, and it feels like my throat is lined with sandpaper. Holding it in or saying it slowly will do me no good, because that will mean it won't come out at all, and I need to say this for both of our sake, probably. "I'm sorry about last night." 

Seiji's breath is warm as it gently ruffles my hair, tickling me. I can feel him shaking his head. "It was my fault." 

That's an odd response, not one that I was expecting at all. "Hm..." I don't know about that. Yeah, he kissed me first, and he reacted quickly and positively whenever I touched him, but I was the one who made him start crying... right? That's the only way it can possibly look - I was the aggressor, and I hurt him. "I don't see how..." 

He shakes his head again and puts a finger on my lips. "Don't worry about it." I'd argue, but the pressure of his finger on my lips catches me off-guard - it's simple, but it makes my heart beat a little harder as I look up at him. He looks serious, too. I guess he really thinks that he was the one who messed up and not me, but... that leaves me more questions than answers. Does he regret coming onto me? That seems like the only logical explanation, doesn't it? If that's the case, then why did he initiate things two nights in a row? Did he just lose his sense of judgement in those two, weak moments? And then, why is he holding me now? 

I shake my head vigorously to clear my thoughts, surprising him. He tenses up a little underneath me, and then puts a hand back on my head and pets my hair. I don't get it, because nothing seems to be matching up, but maybe he's right. I won't worry about it. I won't forget, so I don't make the same mistake, but I won't worry about it. 

We sink into each other, simply enjoying the heat and warmth of our bodies. I don't think there's anything deeper to it than that. The sky is lightening slightly, but it will be a while before the sun actually starts rising. That's not what I'm thinking about, though. I close my eyes and let my cheek press against Seiji's naked chest, feeling the proof that he's alive and in with me in bed today. We lie like this for a few minutes, the sound of his heart and his fingers through my hair the only things that I know for sure exist. Things are weird right now, but... in a part of me that I keep buried away, I want to say that I could be happy like this. That I could remain happy like this, with Seiji. I should just enjoy this moment while it lasts, imprinting it into my memory, just like the time he saw me on the stoop of the convenience store and helped me up. I was so miserable then, but I felt like the concern in his eyes was the most beautiful thing in the world at the time. Maybe I still do. 

Maybe Okinawa didn't change me at all. I laugh derisively at myself. 

I look up at Seiji. His eyes are narrowed as he looks at me, thinking. My heart feels like it's in every part of my body, making my skin tingle and throb. He looks off to the side, and what he says next surprises me. "Daichi, don't feel sorry for yourself. I don't hate you." He looks like he's about to say something, but he looks back down at me and I think loses his nerve. He swallows and grimaces, staring at my fridge. 

I sit up, sliding out of Seiji's embrace and I stare at him. Seiji is really strong - physically, mentally, and emotionally, but he's been acting strangely weak around me lately. I've been acting weak around him, too. It's reminding me of back then, back when we were kids and getting used to the idea of being adults while still trying to cling onto this innocent intimacy that we found slowly sliding through our fingers. He was too kind to me when I lost my parents, treated me in a way that nobody else did, was so nurturing and caring. I still think of him in that way, but I know we're adults now, living our own lives, and that one day (maybe soon) we'll both be married and have kids and we won't be as close. It's inappropriate to be this close. But... it's not just me feeling it, either. Seiji wants to be close to me, too, wants me to know that he doesn't hate me, even though I have done some really terrible things to him. A lot of potential responses run through my head, but I settle on what's most pressing on my mind. "Can I hug you?" 

Slowly, Seiji sits up, rubbing his eyes. His glasses make him look really handsome, but he's very cute without them, too. "It's fine," he tells me, and opens his arms. 

Our hug is brief, but one of the warmest and caring I've ever felt. He squeezes, pats me on the back twice, and then releases. I would stay here if I could, but I know we have to get ready now. 

"You need to take a shower," Seiji tells me. I groan. I knew he'd say that eventually, but I was kind of hoping he wouldn't. He stands up. "I'll get breakfast ready for us. Go ahead." 

I take a quick cold shower, letting the water empty my mind and cool my body. I was getting way too hot for it to be wintertime. I don't feel horny, I just feel... heavy, but light at the same time. Some things Seiji said make me feel so happy, but a lot of it just leaves me confused. I hope I can figure out what he means, and what the hell he's doing. Pfft, what I'm doing, for that matter. As soon as I'm sure I'm clean and smell okay, I leave the shower and dry off, walking into my room wearing a fresh pair of underwear and a t-shirt. Seiji is already eating, rice and miso soup. He got some ready for me, too, and we sit together, eating quietly. 

"You didn't have work the past few days, did you?" 

I blink. "Ah, no, I don't really know why since I work most days, but I had yesterday off and worked early on Saturday. I do have work after class the next few days, though." I cringe to myself. Shit, I really should have gotten more work done this weekend. Well, can't be helped. Just gotta work harder when I get home is all. I've had rougher cram sessions. Feels bad that it's happening this late in the game, but what can you do? 

Seiji nods. "Makes sense." He looks towards my cabinet. "Sorry, I shouldn't wear the same clothes I wore yesterday. I hate to impose, but can I borrow yours again? I'll leave mine if you need them."

I gulp, trying to sound cool. "Ahh, yeah, that's fine. You don't need to leave me your clothes, I'll just deal without mine until we meet up again. Knowing us, it'll be less than a week, huh?" 

He shakes his head. "This week is probably bad for both of us. I shouldn't interfere with your studies any more than I have been. Plus, it's Christmas Eve on Saturday, so work will likely be busy for you." He's right, but that doesn't make me feel any less deflated. Why? We're talking right now and have been seeing each other more often than we have in years, so it's not like this is a big deal... Maybe I'm just sad because the warmth of his skin washed off mine in the shower. He's still eating his rice, and a grain of it is stuck to the corner of his mouth. The thought enters my head and I can't push it away - it is irresistibly cute. 

"What about Friday night?" I hear myself saying without thinking. ...Whoops. He's looking at me, and it's hard to read his expression. I don't think he's mad, though, or irritated. I have to explain myself. "I don't have work that day and if I try hard, I'll have all my schoolwork done." I think he understands the implication - _I really want to see you, and I'll step up to the plate and work as hard as I can to make that a reality, if you'll let me._

He chuckles, his eyes crinkling at the edge. So handsome. "Yeah, that's fine." He finishes eating. "Thanks for the meal." 

I finish, too. "Thanks for the meal." 

Seiji stands up and stretches. It's almost six now, and the sky is starting to lighten outside of the window. It's not truly morning yet, but I guess it's time to say goodbye. He opens the bottom drawer of my cabinet and thinks for a moment before pulling out a long-sleeved black shirt, a pair of tan pants, and some socks. He puts them on effortlessly, and seeing his body fill out my clothes... my heart is racing and I feel really hot, even though I just took a cold shower. His chest looks different in that shirt than it does in mine - it clings to him in places and he looks really, really good. This is an inappropriate thought, but maybe he looks so good because what he's wearing is mine. Seiji notices me staring, and looks at me inquisitively. "Do you need anything I'm wearing for this week?" 

"Ah, no! Please go ahead." He looks at me for a moment, then shrugs and nods. He puts on his coat and his shoes, and it really is time for him to go. "Where should we meet up on Friday?" 

Seiji buttons up his coat, fingers simultaneously careful and dexterous. "We can figure that out later." He folds up his old clothes and, after taking out my clean shirt, puts it back in the bag. "I'll leave this with you just in case, okay?" 

I guess I can't argue. "Okay." He's about to walk over to the door, and I can't help but follow him. It's silly because this apartment is so small, but I want to send him off. He turns the door handle and I blurt out, "I'll see you on Friday." 

He turns back around, one hand still on the door. He's smiling at me, that smile that I love so much, the one that's been making me feel so funny lately. It's so kind and warm and I feel like anybody would be sucked in by a smile like that. He laughs, a beautiful and quiet sound. "Yeah, I'll see you later." Before I realize what he's doing, he lifts up my bangs and I feel something soft and dry press up against my forehead. He immediately turns around and leaves, carefully closing the door behind him. 

It takes a minute for it to register that he kissed me. I feel my face turn bright red when I realize it. Daichi, that's weird! Why are you feeling this way when your friend did something that is probably just friendly!? I sigh to myself, frustration mingled with something else stronger and hotter inside me. Seiji's been the one doing this to me all the time. I should do something on my own, soon. 

I find it hard to concentrate as I'm getting ready for school and the sun rises, as if the feeling of his lips on my forehead is imprinted onto my skin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a side character being a misogynist ass if anybody needs it.

"So, Kobayashi-kun, who is she?"

I snap out of my daze and blink, staring at my coworker. "Huh?" It's Thursday evening, right after the rush that takes us by storm after everybody gets off of work and school and needs something quick to eat. There are two or three customers milling about in the store at a time, but for now, business has slowed down to a reasonable pace. It'll probably start getting busy again in another hour or so, but this reprieve usually means idle talk between me and the other guy who I usually work with, Yamamoto, as I sweep and he restocks. He's smirking at me and narrows his eyes. I'm confused. "I dunno what you're talking about... did someone flirt with me and I didn't notice?" That's strange. Normally I always pick up on that, but I guess I've been spacing out more than usual this week.

He sighs dramatically while restocking some wrapped pastries. "No, dumbass, but it's completely obvious that you have someone that's caught your eye recently. By the way you're actin', you're probably going to have a wild Christmas Eve after work on Saturday." He leans against the shelves and crosses his arms, grinning at me. "She's hot? You always go for hot bitches."

"Uh..." I make a face that apparently confuses him because he drops his smile and scrunches up his eyebrows. "I'm not dating anyone, Yamamoto-kun. I haven't been with a girl since Mika." I pout, getting a little exasperated. "Thanks for rubbing it in."

"Not even fucking around?" He seems genuinely surprised, his eyes widening as he straightens up.

Ugh. This is making me feel awful. He's the worst when he doesn't even mean to be. "Nope. I dunno, focusing on getting my teaching license and everything so I guess it's not on my mind..."

He snorts. "Bullshit. That's not the Kobayashi-kun I know."

I shake my head, sweeping the floor. "Sorry, but it's true. As much as I'd love to talk about any sex moves that I've learned from my new girl, that simply isn't the case. You've had more luck than me lately, Yamamoto-kun." We both heave a sigh, knowing that it's pretty pathetic. The most luck he's had lately was getting a girl's number at a bar a few weeks ago and then finding out that the number was fake. _"Stop being such a creep~"_ the voicemail had said, apparently. This is Yamamoto we're talking about, so I'm not that surprised, unfortunately.

"Ahh, that's a shame," he groans, melodramatic. "I was hoping that at least one of us would get laid by Christmas!"

"Don't lie, you were hoping that _you_ would get laid by Christmas and were looking for ideas from me."

He smirks. "Guilty." I want to whack him upside the head, but that's explicitly not allowed in the employee guidebook, so I shoot him a glare and stick out my tongue instead. This is on the line, too, but nobody's listening to us. I hope. Yamamoto's kind of an ass, and it doesn't surprise me that he has even more problems getting with women than I do. Before I start walking away from him to sweep a different part of the store, he asks, "You getting sick then, man? You've been super out of it this week."

_Have I?_ I think to myself. Well... I am looking forward to tomorrow, and I've been thinking about it all week. Seiji texted me on Tuesday night saying that it would probably be easiest if I just came over to his folks' place and we could have a relaxing night and not have to worry about the crowds of going out. I like going out, but the prospect of being alone with Seiji without interruptions (aside from possible greetings from his mother) definitely isn't a bad one. Though, when I think about what will happen, my mind starts to wander...

"Kobayashi-kuuun? Hellooooo?"

"Ah, sorry!" Yamamoto is looking at me, dumbfounded, his eyebrow raised. "No, I'm not sick. Just tired. This time of year always sucks," I bullshit as best as I can. It's partially true - this time of year _does_ suck for being in retail. Both of us know it, though it's also probably obvious that it's not the full story.

He doesn't look convinced. "Whatever you say." We get back to work and I focus on the way the bristles swish against the floor.

 

~*~

It's past 1 when I get all my homework done for the night. On the plus side, this means that I think have a minimum amount to do this weekend. I don't want to worry about it when I'm hanging out with Seiji, and I don't want to make the same mistake as last weekend. I sigh to myself and lean back, stretching. This week was hell, but I made it through unscathed except for maybe a lack of sleep. I don't feel that tired, though, now that I think about it - I actually feel wide awake, especially now that I hear Seiji pinging me on my phone through RHINE. I don't know whether to smile or frown - I'm so happy to hear from him, but he should be in bed by now! I plop down on my futon, sprawling out on my back and raising my phone above my head, opening the message he sent me.

>Daichi, you awake?

>Yeah, just getting ready for bed. _(-ω-`_) Need anything?

>I wanted to remind you to meet me at my house at 7:30 pm tomorrow, if that's still convenient. I know it can be a walk and it's cold outside, so I can also send a taxi to meet you by my stop if you'd like that instead.

>Ah, I can walk just fine. Thanks for looking out for me.  
I consider something for a moment, before steeling myself and typing out what I'm really feeling.  
>I'm looking forward to seeing you, Seiji.  
My heart beats a little harder having sent that.

There's a minute pause, and regret seeps through me, about to take control of me to send an apology for being weird (should have been smart and added some exclamation points or kaomoji) before Seiji replies:  
>Me too.  
I kind of feel like I'm going to die, but I think it's in a good way.  
>Well, good night.

>Good night~ ( ^ω^)ﾉﾞ  
I try to sound more playful than I really feel, so maybe he won't realize how strange I've been. More than he's already noticed, I mean. Exhaling deeply, I put my phone down by my pillow and cover my face with my hands. It's warm. Why am I like this? At once, I wish things would go back to normal, back to the way they were before, but... I feel funny.

Taking in a shaky breath, I sit up. Okay. I guess it's time to take a shower. "Taking a shower" has taken a new meaning the past few days, in anticipation for something I feel like I should do. Something I... I shake my head. No. It's just something I feel like I should do, that's all it is, what's fair is fair. I'm trembling a little. In fear? Anticipation? Despair? Excitement? I don't know anymore.

In short order, the steam from the shower fills my lungs with a thick, comforting moisture. I don't hate it. I don't know if I like it, but I don't hate it. It lulls me into a certain state, my breath heavy as I pull off my clothes, the rhythmic sound of them hitting the floor making my heart pound heavy. I'm excited, but it's a very low, visceral kind of excited. When I slide off my boxers, my cock is only slightly erect, in that subtle space between becoming a boner or wilting away to nothing. Tentatively, I give myself a few strokes as I step into the shower, the hot water washing over me, sloughing away the cold sweat that has beaded on my body. I sigh, the water and my hand relaxing my body and making me harder. I press my back up against the tile and whimper, closing my eyes as I jerk myself off. Not to come, just to get to a certain place. I reach down with my other hand and massage my taint, too. Dozens of images flash through my mind - a pale collarbone, meticulous fingers with well-groomed nails, hair that kisses the nape of a neck and perky, pink nipples. Cool eyes filled with a deep hunger, staring at me behind familiar glasses.

I'm panting at this point, my cock rock hard in my hand. I let go and breathe steady, looking for what I need... there we go, behind my shampoo. I grab my bottle of silicone lube and squirt some onto my fingers, playing with it a little so it can warm up. Ugh, this is so weird, but I should do this. Lying down on my side, the water spraying against my chest, I spread my legs and reach in between them. The lube is still kind of cold against my asshole, but it's not too unpleasant. It... kind of feels good? I guess. Eugh. I think I understand the weirdly frustrated expression Seiji had every time I had to touch him like this back then. Well, I'm pretty relaxed, so I should probably get on with it. Slowly, I insert a finger, grunting at the sensation as I try to accommodate. The first time it felt pretty bad, but that's because I did it too fast. This is... okay, especially because I'm focusing on not tensing up, letting the hot water and steam soothe me. I slide it in up to the second knuckle and start moving it around. I want to loosen up, but (fuck, why am I thinking this??) I'm pretty tight still. I try breathing in deeply and rotating my finger and gently rubbing, and I feel the muscles inside starting to relax. My cock twitches and I gasp as I insert another finger, adjusting. My mind wanders for a second and I feel Seiji's hand pinning me down and his lips and tongue on my mouth, so I shake my head and start moving again. This time I'm able to go a little deeper. My breath is ragged, and I make the come-hither motion I've used on so many girls before this. Nnn, not quite. I reach in a little farther and try again.

"Ah!" I don't have time to be embarrassed as my fingers rub against my prostate, precum leaking out of my hard dick. It's an instantaneous reaction. I wasn't sure about how I liked getting touched there at first, but... damn, if I'm actually in the mood, it _does_ feel fucking amazing. I finger myself intently, spreading myself wider and thrusting against that sweet spot. My cock is dying for attention, but not yet. I'd love to but I can't yet. It feels so good that I'm probably making a lot of noise, which is embarrassing and my girlfriends always complained about it, but I can't hold it in. I think I'm ready. I slide in a third finger and cry out, my dick twitching. I can't help but fantasize now, Seiji staring at me with a fevered expression and it's his fingers inside me, his movements jerky and wanton. I should probably try to clear my mind but I can't, I can't, it feels too good. I hear him gasping and grunting and I want him so bad. I grab onto my cock, finally, and start jerking myself off as I imagine that he's with me, that he's getting ready to fuck me. Obviously, that makes it fair, it isn't fair that it was just me inside of him all the time, it must have hurt him, it would be good to make it even and for him to be inside of me at least once because I - _no_ , the part of my mind that isn't making excuses screams, _you want to have sex with Seiji and you're lying to yourself if you think it goes any deeper than that._

Fuck, fine, I can be disgusted with myself later. I imagine he's here with me, looking at me in that way that he does, really intense as he lifts up my leg and pushes into me. I insert my pinky finger and I can tell I'm making noise but I have no idea how loud I am at this point. My insides feel hot and wet and I'm shaking, my entire body overwhelmed with intense pleasure. I have no idea what a cock would actually feel like inside of me, but... maybe it's not so awful if Seiji was propositioning me? I want to imagine it feels good. Seiji's perfect at everything he does so he'd probably be great at this. He'd probably look at me, his face pink and lips slightly parted, his bangs swaying slightly as he thrusts, and kiss all over my lifted leg. Maybe he'd bite, too. He seems like an intense enough guy to want to do that -

"Fuck!" This feels too good. I squeeze my cock as I thrust my fingers into myself, trying to set myself over the edge.

_"Daichi, you're so cute,"_ a voice inside of me whispers, a voice that sounds like Seiji, raw and full of emotions I've only heard him express a few times before in our long friendship. It's warm and genuine and honest, like a solid hug, like the way his porridge tastes, like that smile he gives me that makes me feel dizzy.

My voice betrays me. "Mmmghhh!" I know I'm being loud but I don't care because my fingers are ramming against my prostate as I come, and my jizz feels like liquid fire as it spurts out of me. I feel so tight inside, and an overpowering warmth radiates from my lower abdomen. It's a deeper, more intense orgasm than just coming from your dick. Everything is so warm and waves of pleasure crash through me like waves on the shore during a storm. After the final contractions pass through me, I pull out my fingers, struggling to catch my breath. My entire body feels tingly and fuzzy - it's not the sort of surface feeling you get just from rubbing your dick a few times. Holy shit. I'm trembling but I feel so _good_ , and none of the guilt has hit me yet so maybe this is alright. I roll over on my back in the afterglow for a moment, before I realize that I should probably sit up and start cleaning myself or I'll end up passing out in the shower.

...Should I feel guilt? The thought dawns on me and I think about it, my brow furrowing as I sit, curled up with the spray hitting my head. I didn't think about the hotel at all. Does that make what I thought okay? Or does it make it worse, because it's maybe coming from me at this point and not from the fucked up shit that happened between us? My hair clumps up and secondary streams of water hit my legs. I really don't know which is worse.

Probably most important is why I thought that thing when I orgasmed, but I really don't want to deal with that right now. My face is going red just thinking about it. Talk about embarrassing, Daichi! What the hell was that supposed to mean, thinking that at a time like that?! Thinking about that at all, really! I sigh, exhaling into the steam as I stand and turn down the temperature. I wash myself as well as I can, considering my fatigue, and turn off the shower entirely and cursorily dry myself off. I feel clean when I get out of the shower and sleep like a log when I collapse into bed, not even bothering to put on pajamas.

 

~*~

I'm running late because of some extra assignments I wanted to get done (and then felt like I should eat), and I arrive at Seiji's stop a little past 8:15. To my surprise, he's at the station waiting for me when I get off the train. I thought we'd be meeting at his house, but this isn't exactly an unpleasant surprise. He's a ways off, but he's so handsome that it's easy to pick him out in the crowd, even if he's only illuminated by fluorescent lighting. Seiji is leaning against the wall, texting. I wonder who it could be. He looks pretty intent on it, like he's texting something deeply serious. After a minute, he puts down his phone, looks off to the side (away from me) and touches his face in thought, the same way he did when he used to smoke. My phone buzzes in my pocket. Huh... I take it out and check, stopping for a moment. It's a RHINE message from Seiji.

>I see you. 

I look up and he's smiling at me and standing up, brushing off his clothes and giving a small wave, still slightly hunched over as he always is. I can't help but laugh and smile back as I walk towards him. That was pretty silly, but he did get me. "You seem like you're in good spirits, Azumi-kun," I tell him as I approach him. He looks really happy for some reason, and almost out of breath. I want to hug him, but doing that in such a public place is probably a little weird so I don't.

His eyes soften and he lowers his head, still smiling. "Yeah." My chest feels tight. What's up with this atmosphere? I don't know how to respond to him, his short non-answer. For once, I don't know what goofy remark to say to make him laugh and for us to move on with the conversation. He notices my backpack, and even though I'm really happy to see him and my stupefaction could be worse, I think we're both glad for the distraction. "My clothes are in the bag?"

"Yep! I made sure that they're fresh and clean. Your mom's food containers, too. Sorry for the trouble." I don't tell him that I have an extra set of clothes with me because we both know that I don't have work until tomorrow night and I know how last week went... but that's for me to know, and up to Seiji to find out. I think his invitation to his house was probably something implicit... right? Normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but... I make a small noise to myself thinking about it and gulp, which I'm hoping Seiji interprets as something else.

He tilts his head and looks at me inquisitively for just an instant, but his face returns to normal pretty fast. "Not a problem. I have your clothes at my house." He jerks his head towards the station exit. "Let's go." I nod and follow him out of the station, entering the cool nighttime air in the suburbs.

The air is crisp, but it doesn't sting my skin as we walk. For winter, it's not too bad out. There weren't any clouds in the sky earlier, and the night sky is crisp and clear. We're too close to the city to see many stars, but the ones that we can see are shining brightly down on us through the haze of light pollution. Seiji probably knows a lot about constellations and stuff - he knows a lot about everything. I wonder if he's ever taken a girlfriend to the planetarium on a date before - when we were dating girls, we didn't really get to talk as much, so I know that there are some gaps in what I know about his dating habits. He's probably a perfectionist and makes sure his girl is well taken care of. I nod to myself. Yep, that's like Seiji. I care more about having a good time than anything else, but I can appreciate the way he does things. I didn't get it at first, but he takes the time to make sure that everything is going to work out perfectly - and it does. I scowl. I don't get why Yui dumped him, especially after he passed the first round of civil service exams! Does she realize how big a deal that is?

"Are you cold?" Seiji asks beside me. I turn to my side and he's frowning slightly.

I shake my head. "No, it's fine... sorry, I was just thinking about something." I try to pick myself up. "How was school today?"

He nods. "Okay. It's very difficult sometimes, but I knew that if I got all of my work done without a fuss, then I'd be able to relax with you."

"Same," I say, looking ahead at the street in front of me. It's only a couple more blocks until we get to his house. "Although today wasn't so bad. I helped out in a classroom today, and the kids were really cute. If I have to deal with kids like the ones I worked with today, I can't imagine dreading going into work. I'm... glad I decided to go to school and do this, and that I didn't give up," I say. I really mean it. There were so many times where I thought I wouldn't be able to do it, or that it wasn't worth doing, but I'm here now and I'm so glad that he never gave up on me. I don't think I would be here without him. Happily, and without thinking, I turn to Seiji.

How can he look so tender and so bright at the same time? He looks like a star with no edges, a soft, all-encompassing light that's shining only at me. His mouth is parted slightly in a smile, his white teeth showing. I haven't seen his eyes look this warm in a long time, and he's staring straight at me. I feel self-conscious and my stomach is squirming inside of me, my palms sweating. "I'm really happy for you, Daichi." He means it. His eyes narrow a little and I don't think I'm imagining that he's walking closer to me, so close that our shoulders are almost touching. I wipe my hands on my jeans and I want to look away but I can't, because he's so handsome and I can't believe he's looking at me like this right now and I need to imprint it into my memory, because this is probably just a dream and I'm never going to be able to feel this way again when I'm awake, and even if it's just a dream, I want to remember this smile, how I can feel the warmth of his body even though we aren't touching in the cold, winter night air, how puffs of his breath form small clouds of mist in front of our faces before dissipating into nothing, like this moment, like his smile probably will. I can almost feel his hand bumping against mine, but he's holding back - his fingers are so close to mine, like all I need to do his slightly move it to the side and lock my fingers with his and everything would be okay. My nervousness increases when I notice that he's glancing at my lips, trying to be subtle but it's really not at all, Seiji. It's not subtle, and I don't know if I can do this, because he's too close to me and it's taking everything I have to not grab his hand, to not lean into him and kiss him, a firm affirmation, a reassurance, even though we're in public. I want to touch his face and squeeze his hand and press my lips against his as the stars watch us. I want him to know that I'm happy for him too, for always working so hard and that I'm grateful that he wants to spend time with me at all.

Something intense crashes over me and I'm not - I'm not ready to accept it. I take in a deep breath and scrunch my eyes shut, sighing shakily and looking away. "Um, thank you," I say shyly, rubbing my arm. I can't kiss him. Not here, not now, and I probably shouldn't ever. We both know this, but he's making it really tempting, so I can't look at him anymore.

I can almost hear him nodding to the side of me as he puts a little more distance between us, but I don't look. I don't know what got over us there for a second. Now that my head's cleared, that was kind of weird. Why did I want to kiss him so badly? We weren't having sex or anything - I just wanted to, to let him know that I appreciated him. And I think he wanted to kiss me, too. I quickly to my side, just for a second, just so I can read his face. He's turned away from me a little, his eyebrows knitted and he's biting his lip. Did I make him upset? Or is he thinking about something difficult? I don't know. I almost want to take back the last minute between us and do it over, but what's done is done. We... we are still friends. We are still friends and we're going to have a nice, friendly night together. That's all.

I just wish the stars weren't so bright and weren't shining on Seiji like this, making him look like the most handsome man to ever exist.

We walk in a thick silence until we get to his house, our footsteps the only sound in this quiet night.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm home," Seiji calls out as we take off our shoes. It's been a while since I've visited Seiji's place, and I always forget how big it looks on the inside. It's bigger than a normal sized house, I'd guess (not that I've been inside of many) but it's very efficient. The colors in the house are muted - mostly shades of black and white, but it suits the family, I think. The furniture is pretty understated, but you can tell whenever you touch it that it's the good, classy stuff. The kitchen is just a door down, so I'm sure that Seiji's mom heard us as she's cleaning up from dinner. 

"Welcome home, Seiji. Welcome back, Daichi," her gentle voice calls out to us. "Are you feeling better?" 

Ahh, I forgot that she knew about that. I look at Seiji, who shrugs, and answer, "Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you for worrying." 

"Seiji told me you already ate, but there are leftovers if you want them. Please help yourself if you get hungry later." 

"Thank you," I say as politely as I can. "Mm, hold on, I have the containers that you sent over last week." I take off my backpack and unzip it, taking out the empty containers and placing the bag against the wall for a moment as I walk to the kitchen. Seiji's mom is doing dishes, humming softly to herself as I walk into the room. She's as beautiful as ever - everybody in the Azumi family is extremely attractive, and even though Seiji's mom must be in her early fifties by now, she doesn't look a day over forty. Probably more like thirty-seven, honestly. There are no obvious lines on her face, and though her hair has some fine streaks of white going through it, it seems to make her look more classy than anything. Her eyes still have a sharp glint behind her glasses. I wonder how well Seiji will age...? 

She turns her head back and smiles at me. "Daichi, it's very nice to see you. You can put the containers on the counter," she says, gesturing with her chin. "I'll take care of them in a moment." I nod and do so, stepping back. 

"Thank you for having me in your home." 

She laughs, a sweet sound that still makes me a little nervous, like I'm intruding on something too good for me. "Of course. Even though it's been a while, you've been over so many times that you're almost family to us. I'm glad that you and Seiji have remained friends after all these years." I cough to myself and for some reason that makes her laugh more. "I'm proud of you for getting this far, Daichi. Seiji's told me your schooling is going well."

"Ah, yeah," I say, scratching the back of my neck. I'm happy, but a little sheepish. "I should get my teaching certificate by the spring. I'm really excited, and a little scared too. It's a big responsibility, and I want to make sure that all the kids I come into contact with become responsible adults." 

"Good for you! You worked hard. Keep it up and I'm sure you'll do just fine as a teacher." She nods. "You're hard-working enough to get a full scholarship on your own, and you're a compassionate man. Don't sell yourself short." She finishes scrubbing the last dish and rinses it off, putting it in the drying rack. "Well, I won't keep you any longer. I know you want to spend time with Seiji. Try not to stay up too late so you can be rested for tomorrow; Seiji told me that you work in a convenience store, and so tomorrow will be really busy for you. Take care of yourself." 

"I will. Thank you." I bow to her, which makes her chuckle and shake her head as she puts away the containers, and I leave the room. Man, she's as enigmatic as Seiji sometimes. I wonder if that's where he gets it from - he hides with a stoic expression what she hides with giggles. Well, at the very least he inherited the intense glint in her eyes. 

Seiji is slouched against the wall, absentmindedly checking his cuticles. It's a bad habit of his that he tries to hide, but I'm his best friend, so of course I know about it. At least he doesn't bite them - he just frowns at whichever ones are uneven and tries to fix them with his fingernails. As far as nervous tics go, his is extremely mild. "Sorry to keep you waiting," I tell him. 

He shakes his head and chuckles, kind of similar to his mom a minute ago. I guess they really are family. "You were being polite," he assures me. "Do you want to take off your coat?" Oh, I was wondering why it was still kind of warm. Totally forgot about that. I nod and give my jacket to him and he hangs it on the coat rack, right on top of his, and then I zip up my backpack and sling it across my back.

I follow him up familiar steps, up to the second floor, where his bedroom is. Since his brother moved out to live with his wife, the top floor is only used by Seiji now, for the most part. There's some office space and his brother's room remains mostly as it was before in case he needs to stay over, but it seems like his mom only comes up here to do some cleaning maybe once a week or so, and his dad even less than that. I'm a little envious, but also not. I don't know what I'd do with all this space to myself. Seiji seems to have kept most of his personal touches to his own room, though, I think as I follow him in. 

For a single person's room, it's pretty big. Seiji's family is rich, so it's to be expected. He has a high-end laptop sitting on his desk nestled next to the sliding doors leading to a small balcony, and a medium sized television attached to the wall in the middle of the room. A small, but extremely packed, bookcase is hugging the wall close to where his head rests when he sleeps, with a tablet resting on top of it. While he prefers the weight and feel of a physical book, he has admitted defeat to the convenience of an e-reader, and doesn't seem to leave home without it most of the time. That said, there are even more books on the built-in shelves that are above his desk, though there are also pictures of his family... and of me on there, too. His closet is built-in, surprisingly, the sliding door only a meter or so away from the entrance to the room. Things have changed about it over the years, but it's a nostalgic place. I notice that he has pillows for two heads instead of one on his bed, which is larger than I remember, but that's not for me to think about right now or I'll go crazy. Later-me will worry about it. I place the backpack by the door and take a closer look at everything. 

"Is that a new laptop?" I ask him, after looking at it more clearly. It's a similar model to the one I've seen him use a few times, but it looks a little newer. 

"Yeah. Dad got it for my birthday," Seiji says coolly. 

I don't think I can ever comprehend how much money this family has. "Woah! So cool! Can I look?" 

His expression shifts slightly, but I can tell it means that it's okay before he says "Yes." I sit down at his desk (in a swivel-chair that is way too comfortable) and look it over. It's a really good looking machine! It has a wide touch-screen but it doesn't look like Seiji uses it that often, as the screen itself is spotless and his wireless mouse has been worn down slightly on the left button. The keys are smooth and large and pleasant to click down when I test a little. It feels very solid and heavy, unlike the lightweight cheapo thing I have at my apartment. I am so into looking at it that I don't realize Seiji is leaning over me until I feel his chest pressed against my back. "One second..." he murmurs, and reaches over me to use the keyboard. I'm so startled by it that I don't even have time to react before he pulls away from me, leaving my heart pounding. "There. You should be logged in now, if you wanted to look at cat pictures or whatever it is that you do online." I'm rendered a bit speechless with that flippant comment, which almost seems like a challenge. He knows what I do online! It's not like I've been shy about it around him! I don't really use it for much else aside from schoolwork and socializing... but, there's no way! What if I accidentally see Seiji's own purchase list or something while looking for something fresh and exciting? Well... I'll admit I'm kind of curious what he watches, but isn't that kind of weird? I used to tell him about porn and the girls I dated and had sex with back when we were in middle and high school, but... this seems different. I wonder if he's testing me. I turn and look over at him, but he looks largely impassive. "I'm going to get a glass of water. Do would you like anything? We have beer and juice, or I could make you tea." 

Drinking sounds nice, but I don't want a repeat of last week. "I'll have water too, thanks." 

He nods. "Just a moment." He turns around and walks out of the room, carefully closing the door behind him. 

Dammit, Seiji. Now I'm curious. I tap my index finger on the desk, thinking. I want to know what he looks at now. Even if it's not porn, I want to know what he does for fun online. He mostly keeps to himself about it and I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually go online that much to socialize, but... I want to know. Hesitantly, I type some random letters into the address bar to see what pops up. 

...It's mostly innocuous stuff: a few clothing stores, a website that hosts cute animal pictures, a handful of news outlets, and Bahoo. I think I'm a little disappointed. The animal picture thing is a little bit of a surprise, but maybe he secretly likes cute things? (I like cute things, too, so I'm not going to judge... it's slightly adorable that he's hid it from me this thoroughly if it's the truth.) I've never seen any pictures of his girlfriends, so I don't know. I guess I shouldn't be shocked that there isn't anything about girls on here because he hasn't ever been interested in dating them himself as long as I can remember - with the exception of his few girlfriends - but I am, a little. What hotblooded man doesn't look at pictures of girls? Well, I guess maybe I wouldn't consider Seiji hotblooded... I blink as I realize that he's visited a lot of clothing items enough that they are remembered by his browser. Maybe that's the answer? Hmm... That's a little too much like a middle schooler, Seiji, but maybe you're too shy to actually look at real porn? Or he thinks it's degrading to women, maybe, or really likes pure girls or something... I click on one at random. It's from a high-end shop, where even getting a pair of socks is around ¥2500. Thinking about spending that much on a piece of clothing you make on your feet makes me grimace. If it was my laptop, it would probably take up to 20 seconds to load everything, but Seiji's computer is really fast, and it's only my mind that has issues taking in what I'm seeing. 

It's an item page for men's lounge-wear. At first I think this must be something that Seiji wanted to get for himself, but when I look at it, I see that it's really not his style. It's a tank top with some words in a different language on it. I squint. I think it might be in French? I don't know, so I don't worry about it. There are several pictures of the shirt on a model, who is good looking, slightly toned and broad, with very little fat on him. The tank top looks lightweight and comfortable as it lies on his skin, showing off the contours of his body. The pictures show him from all angles - from the front, side, and behind. I notice that he's only wearing boxer-briefs with the tank in most pictures, and... I mean, I'm not into guys, but he has a nice butt. It's not weird to think that if it's objectively true. In the final picture, he's wearing a hoodie and unzipping it to show off the text, smiling shyly at the camera. Oh man, I can kind of see why Seiji would get off to this. 

Wait, _what_? I snap out of it and look more closely at him. There's a certain youthful playfulness about him, as he's smiling in a lot of the shots, which is kind of unusual for models, isn't it? His hair is dyed a dark brown and it's very well groomed, shorter than both of our haircuts but not that much shorter than Seiji's. I guess if I had to describe him, I'd say he's more cute than handsome. Still fairly handsome, though, but not the cool kind of handsome that Seiji is, not the handsome that makes girls clutch their hearts and stare wistfully after him like I've seen more than a few times. The handsome that is a lingering glance before an averted gaze or a peek over the shoulder. A different kind of handsome. 

Gears are slowly turning in my head. Seiji gets off to this, probably. Which means... 

The door opens and I jolt, sitting straight upwards. Seiji is carrying two glasses of water, cradling one in the crook of his left arm and the other held in his left hand. Carefully, he puts the cradled glass back in his right hand after pulling the door shut behind him. Ah, shit! I close the tab I was just on and pull up the animal picture website to an image of a puppy in a shoe, its tongue lolling happily. Daichi, don't be stupid! That would have been bad if he had caught you looking! Seiji walks over to me and puts a glass, probably meant for me, down by my right hand and steps back, taking a sip from his own cup and looking thoughtfully at the picture. After a moment, he closes his eyes and nods, as if stating his firm and serious agreement and appreciation. "That's cute, but I hope you know I was joking when I said you had to look at cat pictures." 

I sigh dramatically and gesture to the screen, pouting. "It's not a cat picture, it's a dog picture, which is 100% different! Can't you see that cats just can't compare with this? Jeez, Seiji, I thought you knew everything." 

Seiji chuckles. "There are limits to my knowledge. For instance, you know more about dog pictures than I do." He sits down on the corner of the bed, crossing his legs and giving me a warm smile. 

Thank God. I think I didn't get caught, and Seiji doesn't seem mad that I used his computer. I lean back in the chair and swivel towards him, resting my hands behind my head. "I guess even men as perfect as you can't know everything, huh..." His smile wavers for a minute before coming back, not quite as strong as it was before. Did I embarrass him? I need to win him back. "Well, as much as I'd love to teach you all about the cuteness of dogs and how they're more awesome than cats, I was hoping we could maybe watch a movie or something. Or, I don't know, it's your house so you can pick." 

"You're the guest," Seiji says firmly. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and turns on the TV. "Was there something you wanted to watch in particular?" 

I shake my head and close the lid of the laptop. "Nah, not really, just seemed like a nice way to relax with you. Maybe something stupid that you don't mind me talking over, in case I want to chat?" Seiji nods and immediately flips to an action flick. He swings his legs up on the bed and scooches back, pressing his back against the wall and crossing his arms as he gestures to me with a small jerk of his chin. I get up from the desk and sit next to him, folding my legs and leaning forward. I think I've seen this one before, and the special effects were kind of neat, but the story wasn't worth paying attention to. Good. He turns off the light with his phone too ("Show off," I mumble, and he smiles), so I guess the stage is set, huh. 

I keep catching glances of Seiji throughout the first fifteen minutes or so of mindless fighting, though I realize pretty quickly that he must be tired. His eyes are drooping and he keeps snapping his chin up, trying to pay attention but it's clear that he's straining himself to stay awake. I don't understand the sorts of things he's doing in school right now, but maybe it really is way harder than what I'm doing. I look away a final time and hum softly to myself, debating. There's something I should do, although it's a little scary since we haven't done something like this since we were in middle school and being that close was more socially acceptable. Well, Seiji has taken a lot of risks with me lately, so I should take a risk with him. 

"Seiji?" His eyes open a little wider and he looks at me, raising his back from the wall and hunching over slightly, lifting up his glasses with one hand to rub his eyes, equal parts sleepy and confused. I want to hesitate, but how can I when he's looking at me like that? I lean in closer to him and wrap my arm around his shoulders, squeezing him against my side. For a moment, I worry that this was the wrong thing to do, because he stiffens up and is slow to react. Then, it only takes a second for him to soften. He sighs and rests his head against my shoulder, nuzzling into it a little as he slings an arm around me, letting his hand rest loosely at my waist. I think I'm blushing. He's being really physically affectionate, but then again, so am I. I kind of want to touch him more, but take it easy, Daichi. This is enough for now. 

I can't concentrate on the movie, and neither can he. He's leaning into me and letting me support a lot of his weight, but I can tell that his muscles are taut with nervous energy, too. Maybe he's just as confused about what this is, what we are, what we're doing as I am. Just as scared as to what this will make us going into the future. Even though I don't know what will happen myself and I'm terrified of ruining things, I want to reassure him. I lean against him, resting my head on his. My hand travels from his shoulder up to the side of his head and I gently stroke his hair. It's so silky and smooth... and I can feel him relaxing a little as he pulls me in closer and holds onto my thigh with his other hand. I bite the inside of my cheek and look off to the side. Hahhh... okay. This seems like a good time. 

I sit up straight, sliding my hand back down to his shoulder. Seiji jolts up and I look at him. His cheekbones are slightly pink and eyes dilated. I take in a deep breath. Okay. I can do this. I close my eyes and lean into him, slowing down in the last few centimeters. 

I don't know who kisses the other first, but we are kissing in a few seconds, our arms wrapping around each other. When I pull away to gauge his reaction, I see that his eyes are deep and intense and I feel like I could probably get lost in them if I stare at them for too long. He leans back into me first to continue kissing me and I don't say no, because I want to kiss him, I want him to kiss me and to embrace me and for us to hold each other. Slowly, so much so that I barely register it happening, he lays me back on the bed as our kisses get longer. He pulls away for a second while I realize this, fumbling for his phone to turn off the TV and to put his glasses on the bookcase, and before I can think on it too much he lies down next to me. I roll over on my side and look at him. He's so handsome that I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest and the look he's giving me is hard to read, but I don't think it's bad. It's not bad at all. I stroke his cheek and he sighs, closing his eyes and placing his hand over mine. This is... weird, right? But I can't find any part of me that cares right now. 

I brush my lips against his and before I can completely pull away, he's kissing me back, harder, pulling me into his chest as he plays with my lower lip, lightly sucking on it and tracing it with the tip of his tongue. I run my fingers through his hair as I open my mouth, letting him in and stroking his tongue with mine. He groans and is trembling, but there's no contact below our rib cages so I don't think it's anything sexual... yet, at least. Does he really like kissing me this much? I crack open my eyes and I see that he's doing the same thing to me before he quickly squeezes them shut and grunts, sucking on my tongue and gently pulling on the hair on the back of my head. Okay, he's as nervous as me, but I'm not sure if turning me on is what you want right now, Seiji. I break away from the kiss for a moment and lean my head against Seiji's shoulder, panting and trying to slow down my heartbeat. He pats my back. "Too much?" he asks kindly, although his voice is wavering. I'm not sure why - arousal, sadness, some other kind of emotion that I don't know, they all seem equally likely to me. 

I don't know how to respond, because it's too much for just kissing and cuddling and while I'm not opposed to having sex, I don't know if now is the right time, so I end up making a fool of myself by saying what's on my mind. "Why do you want to do it with me?" 

Seiji jolts up and looks down at me with wide eyes. I can almost hear his heart rattling in his chest, practically as loud as mine. Shit. I didn't mean to scare him. His mouth opens and closes a few times before he looks out the window. He's struggling to keep his composure in his voice, but he's definitely lost his cool. "I thought it was obvious." 

"Not... really," I say honestly. He sighs frustratedly, although I think it's at himself and not at me. For not making it obvious...? I don't get this. "I don't understand." 

Seiji shakes his head and stands up. "I don't want to anymore. Let's go to bed, I'm tired. We can hang out in the morning." He's definitely not tired! He opens his closet and pulls out some pajamas and hugs them to his chest. "You can change in the bathroom." 

I blink, dumbfounded. "Uh... okay." I don't know why he's being so modest, but alright. Is he actually angry at me after all? And I guess he figured out that I brought clothes that aren't his with me, too... Maybe he just needs some time alone. I can understand and respect that. I take my entire backpack with me and whisper "Sorry, Seiji" before closing the door behind me. Dimly, I hear him sigh and slump against the door as I walk down the hall. I debate going back in to comfort him, but I shouldn't. He probably does need this time alone... and maybe so do I.


	6. Chapter 6

I close the door behind me to the bathroom and I feel sick. I wasn't feeling it until I got in here, but wow, I really fucked up, didn't I? Seiji hasn't kicked me out of his personal space very many times, even when I'm sure it's annoying, so him actually telling me to leave hurts in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. 

— _"How could I do that to you?" I can't stop crying, even when I hurt him, even when he's crying too. Why did I do that? Why was I so selfish? He's probably going to pretend to be strong, but I hurt Seiji really badly just now, and he might not feel it for a while but it's got to hurt that I forced myself on him when he told me repeatedly to leave him alone. The water should feel good, but it stings a little. The only thing that feels nice - as much as I hate to admit it, as much as I hate myself for thinking so - is the solidness of Seiji's body, how he is holding me firmly and not telling me that it's okay but being here anyway. I don't know if he's here "for me" as much as he is because this is all we've got left, tears of bitter regret washing away any pleasant afterglow that might have existed. He might leave at any moment, might leave after we get out of here, but at least we're getting out of this alive. I just wish we had gotten out of here with our friendship as it was before._

It's a nice bathroom, with a wide shower, so how could I not be reminded of it? I don't bother blocking it out this time, the way he called my name before I... before I did that to him, and the heat of his skin, the heat radiating out from inside him. I hate this. I hate myself. I curl up against the door, hugging my knees. I feel like I did back then, when I woke up and the summer humidity filled my lungs to the point where I could barely breathe, and standing by the empty fridge gave no respite to the heat. I want to cry, but I don't think I can. Seiji has always been my savior, the one person I can rely on, and I keep fucking up and hurting him. I don't really understand what I did just now, but even thinking about what I did a few months ago makes me want to die. How can I forgive myself for that, even though Seiji...

How does Seiji feel about it? I guess I never asked, now that I think about it... not that I should, because it's probably obvious that he hated it because I didn't ask and he didn't have any control over how he was feeling at the time. Plus, that's weird. How can you ask your friend "So, about that time I raped you. Why are you okay with still hanging out with me? Are you okay? Are you as fucked up as I am now? Did I break you like my father and mother's boyfriend broke me? Haha, wow, I'm sorry I completely fucked up your life because you were going to do so many great things but then I fucking raped you and ruined everything." 

I really want to throw up actually letting myself think the word, acknowledging that that's what I probably did to Seiji, but I swallow down any deeper feelings and strip. Maybe the hotel ruined both of us. It would explain why I want to rape him and he wants to be raped, and why we're still drawn to each other even after everything that happened. Because obviously that's all what our relationship is and should be at this point - I'm too fucked up for anything else. 

Then... why does Seiji want to kiss me? Want to hold me? I think back to Monday morning and get confused. It'd be so much easier to explain this if I knew that this was just carnal, like it was for my mom and her boyfriend, but... why is Seiji still looking out for me? Why did he seem so happy when we were walking here a few hours ago, out of breath and starstruck? My mom never looked at her boyfriend like that. I'm not sure if anybody has ever looked at me like that except for Seiji, and only a few times... but a few hours ago was probably the most amazing. 

I remember something as I turn on the shower (which is mostly a force of habit at this point: I feel bad, so I take a shower, for better or for worse). The model. I feel my face turning red and I look to the side, making a small noise. What was up with that? Why would Seiji get off to a softcore image of a guy? I mean, I don't know for sure that's why he visited it so frequently, but it's a pretty safe assumption, I think. My brow furrows and my heart is beating out of - nervousness, I'm nervous. Does this mean Seiji is gay? 

I won't lie, the thought has crossed my mind a few times in the past. His complete disinterest in girls, for one, made me think about it. Although he has had some girlfriends, and he told me when he lost his virginity, so... but that might not mean anything. I've heard of guys who have normal marriages with their wives and then end up fucking around with men in their spare time... maybe Seiji's like that? He wants to look normal on the outside, but he really wants to be with a guy? Hmm... how do I feel about that? 

...Okay, I think. Seiji is still Seiji. A Seiji that loves men is still a Seiji that I want to be friends with, and it probably wouldn't change much (although it would explain his exasperated look whenever I talk about some sexy things that I've done to girls.) 

A part of me deep inside makes a connection, which doesn't make me feel as bad about everything that's happened, but I don't want to acknowledge it yet. It can wait. I can wait. He can wait... or at least I hope he can. 

I purse my lips and finally step in the shower. The water pressure is comforting and feels really good, nice and strong. Well, I guess I'm not going to have sex tonight, and I don't want to do anything risky around Seiji, so I should probably take this opportunity to beat off. Normally I'd just say "fuck it" and wait until tomorrow, but if Seiji kisses me again... I don't know if I'd be able to hold back if he kept pressing for more than dry kisses, and I really don't want to hurt him. Need to make sure I'm not tempted. I'm probably the farthest you could get from being aroused right now, but I'm in Seiji's bathroom. I blink as I notice that he has both a dedicated shampoo and a conditioner. No wonder his hair is so soft! I just use shampoo myself, mostly because I'm lazy and it seems like too much effort. Maybe I should if I want hair as nice as Seiji's, though... I pop open the lid and sniff it. It smells like him. 

I'm getting hard. I don't know whether I should cheer or curse myself. I sigh. Well, it is what it is, I guess. Hmm... I decide to try something. I pour a dollop into my hands (it feels silky and really pleasant) and lather my hair. Might as well while I'm here, right? It said on the bottle to wait two minutes, so I step out of the spray and start jerking off. I'm still barely hard, but I smell my hand and groan thinking about Seiji. What Seiji looks like when he's in the shower, in _this_ shower, with water running down his back and muscles flexed as he scrubs his scalp. I bet he looks really sexy. I can't help it. I moan softly. "Seiji..." I whisper, jerking myself a little faster. Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm reaching down, too, massaging my ass. I guess I've gotten used to it this past week and kind of... I kind of want Seiji to fuck me, honestly. I don't know how he feels about that, or how I do outside of fantasy, so maybe it's good that I'm here and making the bed squeak in Seiji's room. 

I step out of the shower, snap up the lube from my backpack, and get back in, bracing myself against the wall with one hand and spreading my legs, reaching between them from behind. Prep isn't as long today, probably because I stretched myself so thoroughly yesterday - the first finger slides in with no problems at all. I whimper and sway my hips involuntarily as I add the second. Shit, when did I get so into this? I'm imagining his fingers grasping my hips and - fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck. My cock is fully erect and drooling precum and I'm trying to stifle my moans as much as I can. His strong hands holding me, making sure I don't slip as he teases me - 

There's a knock at the door and I stop moving, suddenly jolted out of my fantasy. "Daichi, are you okay?" It's Seiji. He sounds genuinely concerned for me. "It's been a while... I thought you were only going to change your clothes." 

I try to catch my breath. "I'm fine. Taking a shower." I don't sound fine. I sound like I've been crying or something. Shit. Of course Seiji would check on me. He's too good of a person to just leave me alone in his own house if it looked like I was sad, even if we were having an argument (although it was one I barely understood), especially if it sounded like I could be crying. He probably heard me moaning. I cringe to myself in the few seconds I have. I think I know what's coming next. As quickly as I can, I pry myself off the wall and turn to face the spray so I don't look too suspicious. 

Seiji opens the door. His glasses fog up slightly and he pockets them in his sweatpants. I avert my gaze, because he's looking straight at me, and I know his eyesight isn't _that_ bad, he can definitely see that I've been doing more than taking a shower. My hair is still covered in his shampoo. I try to not lose my cool, but he's starting to pitch a tent looking at me. 

I take this opportunity to wash off the shampoo and turn back to him, smiling as innocently as I can. I try to kill my boner, but it fails. "See? I'm okay. Give me ten minutes." 

He blinks slowly at me, and then shakes his head. The door wasn't completely closed, but now he's closing it behind him. Before he even starts taking off his clothes, his intentions are clear. I gulp and feel my heart start racing. I wanted this, right? But I'm a little scared. A lot horny, and a little scared. I only have a few seconds to feel this, because he strips very fast and walks towards me intently. He joins me in the shower and simply stands in the spray for a moment. My throat is dry. He's so handsome that I can't help but want to touch him... but I don't. I watch the water soaking through his hair and trickling down his body, and I find it strangely erotic. My cock is practically pressed up against my stomach at this point and begging for touch, but I think I'm happy just looking at him right now. Of course, as I think this, he walks towards me. I back up into the wall and I'm not sure if it's instinct or fear or desire to be supported when I press against it as hard as I can. Slowly, probably as not to scare me, he leans one of his arms into the wall by my side. He's scrutinizing me, trying to figure out something with his eyes narrowed, and I feel even more naked than I am already. To my surprise, his first move is to lean in and kiss me briefly, firm enough to leave me breathless and fast enough to make me want more. When I open my eyes, I see that he looks a little worried. "Is this okay?" he asks, tracing down my arm with the fingers on his spare hand. That simple touch sends waves of intense emotions through me that I'm having issues grasping. He looks so vulnerable without his glasses. I want to reassure him, too. 

I gulp... and nod, taking his wrist and placing his hand on my hip and tilting my face up against his, kissing him as I wrap my arms around his strong back. Seiji is my best friend, and has been for basically ten years now. I can't hate him. I could never hate him. Imagining me hating him would be like imagining the earth evaporating into the air - it's something that just can't happen. Taking my body language as acceptance, he pulls me against him, letting go of the wall to hug me as we kiss. I close my eyes and take in the sensations of his warm body and the hot water, the slickness of skin. This feels... different than before. Maybe because I think this is the first time we've had body contact like this fully naked, but this doesn't feel urgent or sexually charged. Still passionate though, pangs of something hot and deep jolting through me like electricity as he squeezes me tight. It simply feels like I want to touch him and be touched, and... probably more than that, but that's for later. I sigh and lick his lower lip questioningly, and he opens his mouth for me. He tastes so different now that he's stopped smoking - but it makes it easier for me to remember that I'm here and not anyplace else. I'm in Seiji's bathroom and I'm kissing him. I repeat it in my head so I don't forget. 

After a minute, he pulls away, gasping quietly. I open my eyes and look at him. His face is a beautiful shade of pink and his eyes are a little wet as he stares at the floor. 

"Seiji..." I place my hand on top of the hand still cradling my hip and press my forehead against his. My boner's calmed down a little, so I can just savor this contact without letting it become anything else. I think Seiji is feeling the same right now, although we both know that it's going to turn into something else soon. Gently, I rub his back. "It's okay. I'm okay." I take his hand off my hip and hold it, squeezing, and look into his eyes. "Are you okay?" 

Without hesitation, he nods, his eyes sharpening. He squeezes my hand back and nuzzles me. It's... really tender, it's really warm, in this weird place that I'm not sure if I've felt with anyone but Seiji that is both vaguely sexual and full of caring at the same time. I want to kiss him, so I do. He kisses me back and leans me up against the slick wall, and I feel his dick twitching against my thigh. My heart is ringing in my ears and I feel dizzy. He pulls away from the kiss and looks at me, serious and inquisitive. "Tell me if I need to stop. I don't want to hurt you." I make a little noise that makes him scrunch up his eyebrows, but I nod and squeeze his hand before he lets go. Carefully, he lifts up my leg, hooks it behind his, and reaches between them, touching me where I was just touching myself a few minutes ago. His fingers feel really different than mine, more curious but also more deliberate. 

I swallow a groan and lean into Seiji's chest, trembling. He stops for a moment and I shake my head. "Keep going..." He inhales sharply and nods, kissing the top of my head while rubbing the outside, trying to relax me and warm me up. I swallow, thinking that maybe I should say this sooner rather than later. "There's, uh... there's some lube right over by your shampoo," I murmur. 

"You thought ahead. Considerate." He pulls away, putting down my leg, and picks up the bottle, reading the label to himself. I guess he needs to make sure with his own eyes that it's safe, or something. 

I make a face at him, trying to lighten the mood. "Sorry, but I didn't want to get fucked dry, and I don't think you would have liked that either." God, this is so embarrassing! 

He chuckles, but he looks confused, too. "You thought that's the only reason why I invited you over?" 

"Well, a little..." 

"Hmm." He squirts a copious amount of lube onto his fingers, checking the consistency, and I gulp. It looks like he's about to say something, but then he changes his mind when he looks up at me. Probably smart... Let's not talk about that right now. He leans over me, one hand resting against the wall. I take his cue to spread my legs for him and wrap my leg around him again, and he reaches down and starts playing with my ass, purposeful. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing, on the way Seiji's fingers feel. He's taking his time, but his fingers feel different than mine - softer, and I think they're longer. I'm able to mostly relax and, probably reacting to my body's cues, presses a finger against me. "I'm going to start." I nod and peek open my eyes to see him looking down, biting his lip as he slowly pushes in. My eyes snap shut again and I buck against him a little involuntarily. Jeez, since when did I want him this bad? He gasps, probably surprised that I'm this loose and slick inside already. "So that's why this was already in the shower..." I open my eyes and try to glare at him, but I'm pretty sure I just look horny. Seiji shakes his head, chuckling, as he inserts a second finger. 

I grasp onto him and groan. "Mmmf," I swallow as my cock twitches. Seiji, calculated as he is, managed to stimulate my prostate immediately. 

"It's there, then," he whispers to himself. He closes his eyes for a moment, then looks straight at me and starts thrusting his fingers, pressing into my sweet spot with each steady movement. It's hard to not moan loudly at that, but I manage to stifle any groans into something quieter. I really want to touch him. I grab onto the arm that he's using for support and stroke it, feeling how sturdy he's built and how dense his muscles are. He shivers and looks at me, slowing his movements. He wants to make sure I'm okay. I sigh shakily and nod. _It's okay, Seiji. I'm okay._ With my other hand, I reach down and try to grab his dick. I really want to touch him and make him feel good. Before I can get there, though, Seiji pulls out his fingers and moves my hand to his side. "Not yet," he says. I whimper at the sudden emptiness, and I have no choice but to obey. I run my fingers up and down his side, wet from the water of the shower, tracing his ribs, and I yelp as he starts fingerfucking me again. (I want to touch his nipples, but I have a feeling that he'd do the same thing if I made a move there.) He hasn't touched my dick yet, but that's probably a good thing, because I'm not sure how long I'd last if he did. His breath is shaky, but I'm pretty sure it's the good shaky. 

This feels good, but I want more. I really want more. "Seiji..." I gasp. He stares into my eyes, hand moving at a steady pace. I avert my gaze, embarrassed at what I'm saying. "I need more..."

"What's the magic word?" He's smiling at me, composure regained, and I'm extremely flustered. How can he look so handsome and sound so smooth when asking a question like that?! That's not fair! He laughs. "Understood," he amends, and slides in a third finger. 

I can't contain this moan. "Ahh!" I grasp onto his shoulders for support, shaking, and I hold him close. It feels really good, I feel so full. He stops for a moment and pulls away from our embrace just a little, just so he can lean into me a different way, kissing me. I kiss him back, hungry, my cock throbbing and in need of touch as he continues ramming against my prostate. I clutch onto whatever I can, which means I'm gripping his hair and pressing his chest into mine with my other arm. He grunts but doesn't stop his ministrations - if anything, he's thrusting harder and spreading his fingers as he kisses me, his tongue hot in my mouth. Fuck, I want to touch him, I really want to make him feel good, but I know he wants to wait. I haven't been touched at all, but I almost feel like I'm gonna come soon. 

Suddenly, he pulls his fingers out of me. I whimper against his mouth, trying to kiss him harder to fill the void that he left behind. He complies for a few seconds, his tongue stroking mine in a hot reassurance, then pulls away from me. My heart is pounding. I think I know where this is going. "Are you okay, Daichi?" he whispers. When I nod, he closes his eyes and presses his hips against mine, our dicks rubbing against each other. His glans is about as wet with precum as mine is, surprisingly (and probably more wet with water) - it almost feels like they're kissing. Wait, _what?_ I can't stop looking at them, though, and I'm enjoying the smooth friction of skin against skin in this hot shower. 

No good. I'm panting, but I manage "G-gonna come soon." With that, Seiji grabs me. I'm scared for a second, and then center myself and realize that it's Seiji, and he flips me over and presses me against the wall so my chest is pressed flush to it. I hear him squirt more lube onto his fingers and I'm trembling. "This is it, huh. My last few seconds as an anal virgin," I murmur. Seiji laughs softly, and it makes me feel a little better. I inhale and exhale, trying to calm down. I know it will hurt if I don't, and I want to enjoy this. It's okay. It's Seiji. I want him, and I want him to feel good, too. 

Suddenly, he's on me, his chest pressed against my back and his hands gripping my hips. I squeak as I feel his cock poking the small of my back. "Tell me to stop or slow down if you need some more time," he whispers in my ear as he spreads me and starts rubbing his dick against my ass. I pant and rub him back, his cock sliding between my cheeks, because I want him inside me, too. He feels hard and decently thick, but not hard like a dildo or something, and I remind myself that it's not like he has a monster cock. It could be a lot scarier. Plus, knowing it's Seiji calms me down, to the point where it doesn't bother me at all when I feel him start prodding my asshole with his dick. In fact... I really want it, even though I'm not sure if my shallow breaths are from excitement or fear at what it will feel like at this point.

I breathe out and push back against him, and suddenly he's inside me, filling me in a way that fingers can't compare to. He feels so big and so hot - he's not that different than me, but inside, I can feel every detail. I suddenly appreciate Seiji so much more for enduring everything - no, fuck, stop that Daichi, focus on what's happening right now. I clench my fist so hard that my nails dig into my skin as I try to ground myself, gritting my teeth. It feels good, but I need to stay here and not go someplace else so it can continue to feel good. Seiji stops after a few centimeters and kisses my back. I almost want to cry at how considerate he is, how tender and caring. I... Seiji is so important to me, so it's a relief that he wants to treat me gently. Convinced that I'm relaxed enough, he pushes in more, and suddenly I'm feeling something so intense that my legs almost give out. I can't hold back a really horny-sounding groan as he fills me, and I feel him tremble against my back. He moans and presses his hands against the wall now that he's fully in, panting as he's letting me adjust. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to slow my heartbeat - I'm really, really close to coming, like I'll probably come when he starts moving. This feeling is just - way too much, in every good way, but my heart is throbbing and my stomach is churning and my head is spinning so there's no way I'm going to last. I feel like I'm going crazy. 

To my surprise, Seiji puts one of his hands over mine, unfurling my fingers from my fist and sliding his own between them, squeezing gently as he trails kisses down my neck. It's so tender and warm. My heart is leaping in my chest even harder, and it's not in the "oh-fuck-I'm-about-to-come" way. What the fuck is wrong with me, feeling this way when I'm just having sex with my best friend for who the hell knows why but it's something that we do now? Even his feather-light touches are making me so hot, but I can't help but want to concentrate on them no matter what - Before I can think too deeply on that, Seiji finally starts moving. 

It's just shallow thrusts, but it's enough to make my head spin. "Seiji!" I whimper, my legs quivering. He squeezes my hand tighter and fucks me a little bit harder, definitely aiming for my prostate. He hits it. Over and over, many times. I've never felt anything like this before, probably on multiple levels. Seiji is inside of me, and I feel so vulnerable... but also, I know that Seiji has felt this too, with me, and it makes me feel less scared. And the sensation of being filled and fucked is so - incredibly not like any other sex I've had before, but it feels amazing, and my dick's not even getting touched. I wish I could see his face. I try to turn my head around, but I can't make it all the way to look at him. To my surprise, he takes his other hand and pulls back my head, and before I know what's happening, he kisses me, sloppy and hot, his tongue brushing against my teeth and barely meeting my tongue. Water from the shower hits my face in places and I moan into his mouth before he lets go of the kiss. 

I rest my face against the wall, panting, and Seiji kisses my cheek as he reaches around me and starts jerking me off. I must be making a really embarrassing face, and I can't help but make a really high pitched whine. He moans too, probably because I think I just tightened around him. He feels so big inside of me that it's hard to tell. I'm overwhelmed with pleasure, unsure whether to thrust into his hand or push back against him. Everything feels good, from his dick inside of me to his hot skin pressed against my back to any stray water that hits me to his hand around my cock. 

"I'm gonna come," I hiss. I feel his breath on my neck as he nods and quickens his pace. He must be close too, as his thrusts are growing more and more erratic. I try to move with him as best as I can, trying to use the slippery wall as support to aid me in pushing my hips back against him with partial success but it's good, it's fine, because he's moaning and grunting my name as he grips onto me. He's squeezing my hand, and his body is pressed flush against mine. I feel my orgasm building up in my stomach, and it's going to come any time now. 

Seiji lets go of my hand and wraps his arm around my torso, squeezing hard and burying his face against my back. "Daichi," he whimpers, rolling his hips against me. It almost sounds like he's crying, but... it sounds like it's as good for him as it is for me. The pressure is enough to finally make me come, and he comes maybe a second after me, his cock hardening and something hot filling my insides. Oh... my god. I can barely think straight as my vision gets blurry and I feel like I'm losing control of my body. This is - probably the most intense orgasm I've had in my life. It's good I'm pressed up against the wall and Seiji's supporting me or I would probably have collapsed by now. I've heard it feels weird after the fact, but being cummed inside right now feels... really good. Really really good. Seiji's inside of me and it's so warm, even as my white-hot cum is spurting out of me. The steam in my lungs and the warmth of Seiji's body envelops me in a cocoon that stays with me even after I'm spent and my balls are empty. With a heavy sigh, Seiji kisses my shoulder and pulls out of me. The emptiness I feel is deep, and it starts to break me away from what just happened. 

Even so... instead of leaving me, he hugs me, wrapping his other arm around me and burying his face in my neck. I can't see his expression, but his body feels relaxed and comfortably heavy against mine. Not knowing what to say or what to do, I touch Seiji's arm with one of my hands and lean my head back against his, trying to regain my composure. That was... probably weird, but it felt really good, better than I was imagining. 

A thought enters my head, worming its way in aggressively, and I feel like an idiot. Seiji kept asking me if it was okay. He kept making sure he wasn't crossing any boundaries. I think everything is too much, these feelings coupled with my body exhausted and overstimulated from sex, because I'm not able to stop myself from sobbing quietly to myself. God damn it, Daichi. Why didn't you ask Seiji the last two times? Why did you just assume and hurt him? I hate that I'm feeling this now, right when I should be feeling the warmth of afterglow and revel in Seiji's body, but I hate that I hurt him way more than that. I only ever want him to feel good, because he's - he's my best friend, and I care about him. He was able to make me feel good, so why is it that all I can do is rape him? 

"Daichi?" Seiji gets off of me and I crumple against the wall and curl into a ball. I don't want to look at him, but I can tell that he's squatting down next to me and, after a moment, touches my shoulder. I shrug him off; what felt so good before now feels like pins and needles on my body. This really concerns him - I can tell from the weight in the air - but he accepts my body language and pulls away, leaning on the wall next to me. I feel awful. I don't want to worry him, but I can't have him near me, because all I'm going to do is hurt him. 

I try to speak, because I know this is probably scary for him that I was so happy and suddenly I'm a sobbing mess, but all I can do is cry. I used to never cry, but I'm crying now, have been crying a lot since Okinawa, and I hate that Seiji has to see me so weak all the time lately. I want to be strong for him, I don't want to rely on him so much, I want to be able to be there for him and be able to be someone that he can rely on, too. And, more than anything, the thought of hurting him - especially irrevocably, in the way that I've been hurt - is absolutely unbearable. 

I whimper and squeeze my eyes shut as I feel his hand on my shoulder again. I don't deserve this gentle, comforting touch. When I look up at him, he looks deeply worried and concentrated. "Did I hurt you?" he asks, and I realize he feels guilty for something that he didn't do, that he's probably incapable of, because he's a good person that knows how to ask and be considerate. 

Movements jerky, I shake my head and curl up again. I don't think this makes him feel any better or more reassured, so he hugs me, tucking my head underneath his chin and stroking my back, trying to get me to open up. I feel bad for not saying anything, so I finally gasp out "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", leaning into him. Seiji sighs, hugging me tighter. This makes me feel both better and worse. I grit my teeth, trying hard to not lose it entirely. "I'm s-sorry... for raping you, and for making you feel like you have to fuck me," I sob. "I'm sorry for fucking everything up." It's finally out. I almost want to throw up remembering the hotel, and even remembering my own room, but those were the choices I made... and I have to apologize, even if it changes nothing. 

Seiji tenses up, but he doesn't push me away. Through my tears, I look up at him, and he's frowning deeply, but not crying. He's as unsure of what to say as I am, but after a moment, he hugs me and squeezes, shaking his head. "I... have my own will," he tells me, firm and strong. I don't understand what that means, but I'm pretty sure he's trying to make me feel better. After a minute of holding me, he finds my hand and squeezes it. "You didn't rape me," he finally manages, and it sounds like it was really hard for him to say. I'm confused, so much so that it practically stops me from crying. I look up at him and he looks serious. "Daichi, I've had sex with you because I wanted to." He lets go and stares me straight in the eye, and it looks like he's scared of this question. "...You too?" 

I sniffle and nod. It's fucked up, but I've always - since the hotel, maybe before then, I don't know - wanted to have sex with Seiji. Both like before and like just now. 

He sighs and hugs me again. I think he's a little relieved, but mostly tired. I'm exhausted myself. "Then you don't need to worry." 

Okay, Seiji. I'm scared and I don't know how much to believe you, but I will believe you for now. I lean into him and feel his warmth spreading through me, a comfort I can only feel with Seiji, a comfort I've only ever felt with Seiji. He's my rock. He makes me want to be here right now and not go someplace else. I would gladly stay here even after we started pruning. 

Seiji has other ideas. "A moment," he says, and stands up. I watch him wash himself - I can tell that he's trying to be fast, but his efficiency is amazing. I've never seen him do this before, and I can't help but stare. He looks really good with soap bubbles in his hair, and I love the way his body moves as he scrubs himself, cleaning himself thoroughly even though he's trying to not waste too much time. My heart feels tight. When he seems satisfied, he reaches out a hand to me. I take it and stand up, bracing myself against him when I almost trip. "Do you need help?" he asks. 

I shake my head. "No, I think I'm okay... I can meet you in your room." 

He closes his eyes and nods. "Alright." He squeezes my hand one last time and lets go, stepping out of the shower and wrapping one of the towels on the rack around his waist, quickly drying himself enough that he won't make any marks on the floor outside. "Don't take too long." With that, he picks up his clothes and leaves. 

I close my eyes and slump against the wall. Damn. That was... something. I'm trying to process everything, but I think that was too much for my tired brain to take in right now. Dazed, I actually wash off my body this time, letting my cum wash away down the drain. After I get out, I go over to the toilet and - okay, it does kind of feel weird and a little gross afterwards, but it still was probably worth it to have Seiji come inside me. When I think I'm empty and clean, I dry myself off, wiping down the floor too, and pull out my pajamas from my backpack and put them on. I consider for a moment, and put the lube back in my bag and carry it back to Seiji's room. 

Seiji is sitting on the edge of the bed, clothed again and handsome with his wet bangs brushed against his forehead, checking his phone. He hears me enter and perks up, putting the phone down and smiling warmly at me. I feel embarrassed having him look at me like that, which I know is stupid because - well, he would look at me like that, we just had sex, right? And I just let him come inside me, on top of that. I put down my bag and scratch the back of my neck, embarrassed but trying to smile at him, too. "Hi." 

"Hello." He gets underneath the blankets, and gestures with his face. "Turn off the lights." I nod and do so, but the image of Seiji in bed is still imprinted on my mind. When I get to bed, I notice that he's lifted the covers for me. How thoughtful of him! I slide in and we stare at each other for a few moments, unsure of what to say, before Seiji hugs me and strokes my hair. I close my eyes and hug him back, nuzzling him. There isn't anything sexual about this, just the comfort of being close and being held. It's warm and safe, like coming home to a mother's arms. A mother that isn't my mother, at least. This is still probably weird that I feel so comfortable doing this with my best friend, but I don't care. I love Seiji. 

It occurs to me as I fall asleep in his embrace that I didn't push that thought away for once, but all I can think of is how sturdy he feels pressed into me, the comforting shape of his body. So, for now, I allow myself to think it. I love Seiji. I love Seiji so much, a voice inside of me whispers, and the thudding of my heartbeat has a rhythm that sends me off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to my friend @hamudotcom on twitter for dicks kissing, hahaha. 
> 
> (Btw, if you want to talk to me for any reason [questions/concerns/comments/yelling at how I got some facts wrong], you can reach me at @francisyzmorgan and/or @azumiseiji on twitter! I know some of you have found me already but I just wanted to put it out there... if you ever want to yell about RN9 I'm your dude.)


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up with an intense headache. I feel like shit, even though I'm with Seiji and this bed is so comfortable and soft. I'm still facing him, even though we're not embracing anymore. His face looks serene, handsome and almost soft looking. Pliable, like fresh bread dough. It's unusual to see Seiji like this, but I like it. I want to touch him, but I don't. I could get used to this part of waking up, at least. A thought comes to mind, and I banish it. Daichi, you've thought enough crazy things, don't go too far now. Groaning, I sit up and put my face in my hands. 

"Bright" is not a word I'd use to describe Seiji's room at 1:37 in the morning, but every small light fixture - the flashing of his laptop battery, the charging of our phones, the digital clock in on his desk, the indication that the TV is off - is driving me nuts. I want to unplug everything and stay in the dark, though the streetlamps outside of the window won't help me much, either. I know it's not the light that woke me up - pretty sure I had a nightmare, although I don't remember what it was about and I don't want to - but it's definitely not helping me fall back asleep. I wish I felt comfortable cuddling Seiji right now, because it felt really good earlier, but it feels better to be able to sleep without worrying about my arms getting uncomfortable or too hot. Resigned, I lie back down, turning away from him and curling up in a ball with my pillow over my head. Ahh. It's dark, finally. My body feels heavy and my soul light as I'm about to drift away again - 

"...Daichi..."

\- Until I hear Seiji breathing heavily. 

I sit back up, hugging the pillow to my chest, and look him over. He's mostly covered with the blanket: it's pulled up underneath his chin, and I can see his hands balled up underneath him as he clutches it. I'd think it was cute if he wasn't shaking so hard. His teeth are gritted painfully and he's sweating, his bangs stuck to his forehead. He's really suffering. 

My heart hurts as I scoot over to the edge of the bed, giving him space to thrash so neither of us get hurt. I think I know what's happening, the same thing that's been bothering me on and off for as long as I can remember. I hope I'm not in the nightmare he's having, but I know that I probably am. "Seiji." Touching him is bad, so I'm not touching him, as much as I want to hold him close to my chest and reassure him. "Seiji," I repeat, trying to sound as gentle as possible. He doesn't wake up. I didn't expect him to, but it would have been nice if he had. I breathe in deeply and hold my breath, watching him spasm and groan helplessly. I really, really wish I could hug him and tell him that it's okay and that I'm here, but I know how this goes. Don't wake him, it's bad. I tried with my mother once and it was a huge mistake. Seiji is not my mother, but... I don't want to hurt him. 

Still, I don't want to do _nothing_. "Seiji," I insist again. "We're in your room. We're safe. This is your bed. You're having a bad dream." I'm trying to say anything that comes to mind that we can both know is real. I had learned these techniques myself way before I had to learn about them in school, but apparently that's a way that works for a lot of people, to remember that they're here and not someplace bad. Maybe I'm not so dumb after all. I don't know if it will work for Seiji, but it's an idea. When he doesn't wake, I take in a deep breath and say it again. "Seiji. We're in your room. We're safe, this is your bed, and you're having a bad dream." I wish I could touch him. "I'm here. I don't want to hurt you." 

His breathing starts to slow, although it's still ragged. I sigh in relief. I don't know if I helped at all, but I want to believe that I did. "I'm here. I'm here. We're safe and we made it out alive," I tell him. "I'm not hurt. You're not hurt. I - " It occurs to me for a minute that I don't know what to call this. The thought makes the words I want to say catch in my throat. After a moment of thought, I manage to put out the least offensive answer that I can think of. "I'm glad you're in my life, Seiji. I'm glad you are my friend." 

He's still asleep, and his body is still shaking. I'm so sorry, Seiji. I'm sorry I made you like this, and that I invited you to go with me. "Daichi..." he moans again, "I'm sorry..." 

I wish I could wake him. I wish I could tell him that he has nothing to be sorry for. I breathe in deeply, breathe out. "I'm here," I tell him. "This is a bad dream. I'll be here when you wake up. It'll be okay, Seiji." 

He gasps loudly and sits up suddenly, his eyes wide. It startles me a little, but I was half-expecting this. He looks... more lucid than I was expecting, and at least partially awake, so that's probably a good sign. After looking around, avoiding my gaze, he sighs deeply and puts his head in his hands. 

"Seiji, are you okay?" 

He doesn't look at me. "This isn't the hotel..." He words it like a statement, but I can tell that it's a question. 

"We're in your room. It's Christmas Eve." 

Seiji finally looks at me, and I can tell that he's definitely not all here. He's not all gone, either, though. "Why are you here?" 

"You invited me over." I gulp, because his confusion is making me feel anxious. "Do you need me to leave?" He grunts and shakes his head. I feel a little relieved. 

I don't know what to do or say next. Seiji is staring blankly at his hands, spreading his fingers and clenching his fists repeatedly. His eyes are drooping, like he kind of wants to go back to sleep. I don't think that's the best idea, so I need to come up with ideas. Fast. 

I blurt out the first thing that I can think of. "What were you dreaming about?" 

Seiji looks off to the side, eyebrows knitted and frowning as he holds onto his chin. "Don't remember much..." That's probably right - it's very likely that he doesn't remember. There have been tons of times where I've woken up in a sweat that soaked through my clothes with my sheets in disarray and had no idea why, and not until later on realized what was happening (mostly from the help of one-night stands, embarrassingly.) 

I wish I was smart and knew what the right thing to do was. All I know is what I want to say, and maybe it's better than saying nothing, so I venture, "You looked scared." No reaction. I continue, "Do you, um, want a hug." 

He closes his eyes, thinking. It's a yes or no question, it can't be that hard to come up with an answer, right? I'm sweating. Maybe I should just leave. I am about to throw the covers off of me and beat it when he finally opens his mouth. "I don't want to inconvenience you with comforting me." 

...S-Seiji... why would you think something like that? "It'd inconvenience me more if you weren't comforted! I'd be really worried about you!" He looks over at me, his head tilted in confusion. My stomach feels funny, but I have to continue. "Seiji, you're a really important person to me. I don't want you to be scared or sad. Here," I say, opening my arms. "If you don't want to be touched, that's fine, but I know I like hugs after I wake up from dreams like that so I'll give you one if you need one." 

His mouth opens a little and he blinks repeatedly, as if trying to take everything I said in. Maybe that was too much for his brain to handle after waking up from a dream like that. He looks unsure for a moment, then closes his mouth, nods minutely, and leans into my chest, his cheek pressing against my heart. I hold him tightly, and I feel his body weight become heavier as he starts to relax. 

"Tell me if this is too much. I'll stop and let go," I murmur into his hair as I rub his back. 

He shakes his head and presses his weight into me as hard as he can, and it's moments like these where I can't forget how strong he is. "Don't," is all he says. 

Okay, Seiji. I squeeze him gently and he sighs, finally wrapping his arms around me to hug me back. Carefully, I stroke his hair. Despite sweating a lot in his sleep just now, he really doesn't smell bad at all. I like the way Seiji smells, even without soap and cologne. I have an urge, but - I restrain it. Now's not a good time. I am satisfied making sure that Seiji is happy, or at least not in a lot of pain. His weight reassures me that he doesn't hate it. I hope I'm reassuring him that I - I want him here, and I don't hate him. 

After a few minutes, Seiji pulls himself out of our embrace and lies back down. "I'm tired..." he says, like it's the only thing on his mind. 

I nod. "Me too." I lie down next to him, and, hesitantly, I place my hand on his shoulder. He looks at it, and then at me. Yeah, Seiji. I know. "Do you need me to leave?" I ask again. "I can sleep in the living room or something if you need me to." 

He half-laughs, more like air escaping from his mouth with a slight smile. Shaking his head, he grabs my arm and slides my arm over so my hand is on his back. Oh... oh, jeez. He laughs at the expression I'm making, more audibly this time. "Don't leave," he says. He's smiling, but I know he's serious, too. His face slowly becomes blank as he closes his eyes, returning to that soft, pliable state I saw earlier. It seems even more precious this time. 

"Okay," I murmur, and press my forehead against his as I close my eyes. He grunts quietly, but not in pain or discomfort. Before I realize what's happening, I feel his face lean closer into mine and - our lips are touching. He's kissing me. I open my eyes slightly and he looks peaceful as he pulls away. I think I shouldn't kiss him back, not right now, not while he's still recovering from his nightmare. Instead, I rub his back, and he wiggles a little in what I think is pleasure before his body relaxes into dead weight and his breath becomes even and smooth. 

I'm not able to sleep for a while, but it's okay, because Seiji is dreaming in my arms and he's not crying or thrashing. I can deal with blood thudding in my ears and tingly skin as long as Seiji is happy and safe. Remembering his smile is giving me butterflies that seem to multiply in my stomach with each passing moment. Daichi, I know you admitted this to yourself earlier, but please don't be weird around your friend when he needs you. I make a promise to myself. Don't be weird. Don't do anything stupid. 

It's hard with Seiji - the man I have feelings for - curled up peacefully in my arms, but I manage to fall asleep listening to the sound of him breathing.


	8. Chapter 8

I wake up to the sun seeping through my eyelids. The real sun, not an LCD display or anything unnatural. It's real, and I'm here. It feels good to wake up to sunlight and not to an alarm, or to the urgent need to pee. Slowly, I open my eyes, and see Seiji staring at me. He's concentrating, almost as if trying to measure the millisecond differences between the breaths I take. It's cute how intense he is over the little things, sometimes. I smile without thinking about it, still a little groggy. Everything considered, I feel pretty good! Just waking up, and maybe a little sore... and the memories of last night, all of them, are starting to come back as Seiji gets embarrassed that I caught him staring and he sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and turning back to me. "Did you sleep well?" 

I need to act casual. "Mhm." I stretch, pushing my arms out like a cat, and look up at Seiji. The look on his face is... hard to read. I start to get nervous. A lot happened last night. I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. Jeez, and to think I had any reason to be worried last week. "What about you? Any other nightmares?" 

He blinks, eyes widening slightly in mild surprise. "Nightmares?"

Oh, okay. I guess he doesn't remember, or at least not clearly. That happens sometimes. That's fine. "Ah, you had a nightmare in the middle of the night for... maybe five, ten minutes? You woke up looking pretty startled and I helped you get back to sleep. You didn't really tell me what it was about, and you slept fine afterwards." I sit up and rub my eyes. "I wouldn't worry about it unless you start getting tired a lot." 

Seiji looks a little scared, although he's trying to hide it. He instinctively knows that I know more about this than he does, either through my major or experience. "What do I do then?" The look on his face tells me that this might already be a problem. 

"Uh..." I frown, not actually knowing the correct answer. "Live with it? That's what I've done, anyway." That doesn't seem to be the right response, because Seiji's face turns dark. I try to smile at him. "Hey! Don't worry, they get better after a while! Soon, you'll start having more sexy spank dreams again. It's all good!" That... wasn't the right thing to say, either, because Seiji's face is scrunched up in disgust. I snort. "That was a joke." His expression doesn't let up. "Anyway, it's fine. I managed to live this long, right? It's more annoying than anything." Seiji doesn't look convinced. I gotta make him believe me. "Really, it's okay. It's not like it's been really bad for me in a while." 

He shakes his head. "It has."

Huh? I purse my lips questioningly. "What do you mean?" 

Seiji frowns and sighs. "Last week. You screamed for a long time. Twenty minutes or so." He closes his eyes, his face stern. "I tried to wake you, but it didn't work. I'm sorry. I wish I could have stopped it. I didn't say anything because I thought you remembered." 

Well, this is embarrassing. "Uh, nope, don't remember." I guess that's why I woke up and felt like I had been crying? That sucks. "I hope I didn't scare you. I've scared some people before." That's probably putting it mildly. After I moved in with one foster family, I apparently screamed on and off all night. They called me sick and avoided as much contact with me as possible, and I was moved to a different family pretty shortly afterwards. That stung at the time. I really wanted to give up. Really, there were so many times in my life where it felt like Seiji was the only one I could rely on. Maybe now, too. I have other friends, but none of them are like Seiji. 

"It doesn't matter if you scared me or not, as long as you're fine now." Seiji's looking out the window. I sit next to him. There are tree branches outside of it swaying gently in the cold winter wind. Winter's a little desolate, huh. It's not as pretty looking outside as it would be any other season - the branches are bare, and it's not like we got to see any snow or anything, either. That in mind, I decide to look at Seiji instead. To an outsider, it probably looks like he's staring at the trees, but I'm pretty sure he's looking inside of himself. What does he see there? Is it the same as what I see? I hope so. I hope he knows that he's the smartest, coolest, kindest, most handsome guy there is. It doesn't look like he's thinking that, but I hope he knows it anyway. Or at least knows that I think that about him, and so do so many other people... I hope he knows that there are people that care about him. 

I'm afraid to make contact, so I place my hands down on the bed, one of them slightly behind Seiji, and lean back. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry."

I notice he hasn't put on his glasses yet. That's weird. Normally he's done that by now, considering his glasses are an arm's length away. He looks really vulnerable without them, and he's only like this when he's going to bed or taking a shower, as far as I've noticed. I asked if he wanted to get contacts in the past, but he always shook his head at me. Well, that's fine too. The glasses are a part of his look, at this point. I'm sure the girls like that about him, because it makes him look cooler and more intimidating. But he's not wearing them now, even though I'm sure that it would make him more comfortable if he did. He looks small when he's pulling into himself like this. My best friend, strong and resilient, my savior, the one who has always been strong for me when I need him... is weak, sometimes, too. I don't know if saying that I "like" seeing him like this is the right word, but it makes him more relatable. And... I kind of want to protect him in return. 

Seeing him this defenseless makes me want to be honest, too, for a moment. "Seiji..." He turns to me, trying to keep his face calm as possible. I'm getting butterflies. "Are we friends?" 

I'm slowly getting used to his confused face, with his mouth dropped open just slightly and his eyes a little wide. "What on earth..."

"It's just," I continue, tripping over my words, "we've been having a lot of... sex. Friends don't do that, usually. Practically never. I haven't fucked around with any friends before. Haven't heard of any of my friends doing that either with their male friends." Seiji's eyebrows are scrunched up in - I think it's subdued distress. "Um, so, I just wanted to make sure that we're still friends." 

Seiji looks back out the window, frowning. "We're still friends..." It sounds more like an afterthought of deep introspection than an answer. 

I feel like I need to amend something. "It's not that I, uh... don't like it." Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or is Seiji starting to blush? He's making this face, with his lips slightly parted, that - okay, he's embarrassed and a little sheepish, his eyes darting between his hands (pressing down his cuticles) and the floor."I, really like it, actually." He stiffens up and closes his eyes, sighing into a deep frown. He's definitely blushing now. Me too, I think. "It's just..." I'm worried. I think that can be left unsaid. He knows what I mean, and I think he feels the same way. 

"We're friends," he says a little more firmly this time. I turn and he's staring at me. It's probably wrong to call this stare "intense", but it's really obvious that he wants to be clear with what he's saying so I get it. He's not exactly soft, but - he doesn't look angry, or like he's going to run away. I gulp - he doesn't look scary, like he might behind his glasses, but it's still making my heart pound. 

I stutter. "S-so, uh, we're friends that d-do it with each other, then? For fun?" I just want to make sure. I'm glad that he still wants to be friends, but I want to know for sure that this is what we are, now and moving into the future. I'm - terrified of losing him, and I feel pathetic for asking but I really need to know. 

He looks off to the side, pouting as his eyebrows quirk. It's cute, seeing a guy who is usually so stoic and calm and refined making a face like that. How is it that when I think I'm as endeared to Seiji as possible that he's able to surprise me so often like this? "I suppose that's a way you could put it, although those wouldn't be the words I would use." He looks back at me, serious now. "However... we should wait a while before next time." 

Is this his nice way of rejecting me? My heart sinks. "Ah, okay..." I hope I don't look as much of a sad, dejected puppy as I feel and sound. It's to be expected. I wasn't really getting my hopes up to begin with, but a part of me thought that... maybe, maybe I wasn't being completely crazy. This is what you get for letting your mind go crazy, Daichi. You start thinking things that just aren't true. It's okay though, because he still gets to be my friend. I think I'd only be truly heartbroken if he was leaving me forever and never coming back. It's only... I don't know why I'm getting sad. 

Seiji shakes his head. "I would like to, but... it would be nice if we could have sex without either of us getting upset afterwards. Don't misunderstand." He leans his hand back slightly and places it over mine. I stiffen a little and take in a deep breath. "I'm only saying that we should slow down."

O-oh. His expression has softened, his usually cool eyes almost warm. I'm a little confused, and my stomach is flipping in my gut - isn't "slowing down" the exact opposite of what fuck buddies do? - but... I'm happy. The impulse to kiss him is intense, but I need to learn to think with my head and not my stomach or dick. The thing I should probably do, that is benign enough, is clear, but it's still a little scary. I look down at our hands, and slowly flip my hand palm side up and lock fingers with Seiji. I look up at him, nervous, and I see a flicker of surprise or excitement dart across his face before he smiles at me. I gulp, trying hard to keep his gaze. "I don't really know how to do 'slow'... you know me, Seiji." His smile disappears, but he's listening to me, as if his entire being is focused on me. He squeezes my thumb between this thumb and index finger. I'm anxious. "But... okay. I think you're right. Um..." I am dancing around the words that I'm calling us in my head so maybe I can be delusional a bit longer. "I don't know what I'm doing, exactly, but I'll go slow." 

Seiji sighs in relief and squeezes my hand. Before I realize it's happening, he's leaning on my shoulder, the weight of his body always heavier than I expect but pleasantly firm. The butterflies in my stomach are multiplying and I - I want to kiss him and tell him I love him, but that's way too fast, especially after saying that I'd slow down. I can't afford to be stupid. I know this is dangerous. Seiji's my best friend, and we're playing Russian Roulette with our friendship by doing... whatever this is. But, if he wants to have sex with me that bad, even if it's not immediately, then... okay. I want to make Seiji happy, and I think I'm okay in bed, my first girlfriend be damned. And Seiji turns me on, and I'm proud of him, and he's really the best friend a guy could ask for. More that last bit than anything else. I love him, but I'm happy to be by his side no matter what happens. 

My head is running a million kilometers a minute when Seiji clears his throat. He wants to say something. "Hm?" I let go of his hand and move mine over to his shoulder, where I gently squeeze in reassurance. "What is it?"

He hesitates, before finally speaking. "I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully." He sighs through his nose, the way he does when he's embarrassed. The way his voice quivers would be very cute if not for the words he speaks. "You can kiss me, you know." 

"Huh?" I don't think I heard correctly. 

Seiji gets up off of me and glares at me. It's really funny that it looks more adorable than intimidating with his glasses off. Or maybe that's just the mood, and he doesn't mean to be scary. "I told you that I won't say it again." He is blushing a little, though. I guess I heard him right? 

I'm smirking. "So... is that your way of asking me to kiss you?" Jeez, Seiji. I know you're herbivorous, but you can be a little more forward! I can't be smart all the time.

He pouts and looks off to the side. Bingo! "That's not what I said." 

I laugh. I can't help it. Seiji's stubborn even in times like this, I guess. That makes him who he is. I kind of love it. "Okay, okay." 

I look him over and I feel the smile melting off of my face. He's anxious, but I don't think in a bad way. Seiji is really handsome, his hair still tousled from sleep and his face bright with wakefulness. He's scrutinizing me, and I think now that he sees that I want to, too, that he is being more open with his body language. He really, really wants to be kissed, and I can tell from the way he's staring at my lips and parting his own, looking into my eyes with a look that's half-hungry. I don't think it's sexual, necessarily, but he wants it. Me too. 

So, putting one hand on his knee and the other on the small of his back, I kiss him. I test with a peck, and he shivers against my touch. I pull away to check on him and his face looks - blissful. Oh man... my heart can't stop pounding. I want to die. "Is this okay?" I squeeze his knee gently. 

He nods silently and takes my hand off his knee. I'm confused for a moment, but then I feel him place it on his side as he leans in to give me a kiss in return. I can't stop myself from making a pleased murmur, which makes Seiji kiss me more meaningfully, one of his arms wrapping around me and his other hand reaching up to stroke my face. He cradles my cheek and I can't help but to lean into the touch as I kiss him back, moving my lips languidly against his. This is a weird feeling - I feel so relaxed and at ease, but also like I want to run a marathon. Have I ever felt this way with a girl before? No... I think I've only ever felt this way with Seiji. His lips press into mine a little harder before he pulls away, looking me over while rubbing my cheek with his thumb, as if to assess his work. I close my eyes and nuzzle into his hand. That's probably a bit much, but I can't help it. Being touched by him feels so good. I think his sigh is happy. He rubs my back and I hum as he kisses the corner of my lips, then outward to my cheeks and jawline. I really don't think I've ever been treated this tenderly by someone - someone I've slept with. I mean, it's Seiji. Of course he's going to be nice. That's just who he is. I gasp as his lips reach lower, his lips pressing lightly but deliberately on the side of my neck. He stops after two lingering kisses and pulls away just enough so I can feel his breath on my skin. "Too much?" 

I hate that I have to answer this way, but I need to be honest. I nod, trying to steady my breathing. "Yeah... don't want to get too horny." 

Seiji nods in return and straightens up, leaning his face in dangerously close to mine. "Do we need to stop?" 

I shake my head, and as he gives me a quiet smile, I kiss him again. I want to smile as I feel him kissing me back, and maybe I do, a little, but I mostly touch his face like he's touching mine. It feels good. I take a quick peek at him and he looks serene. He's kissing me. He seems happy. I don't know, do fuck buddies do this? I close my eyes and open my mouth slightly, poking the tip of my tongue out and licking Seiji's lip. Immediately he opens his mouth for me, and the kiss deepens with a gentle groan as his hand abandons my face and he holds me closer. My head is spinning. It's like the dam that I had built in my head has been broken, because whenever he touches me, I can't stop thinking that I love him, I love Seiji, I love my best friend, I love that he's touching me, I love how his lips feel against mine and I love his strong embrace. I lean into him and he leans back, and before I realize it I've tipped him over against the mattress and I bonk my forehead against his. "Oww..." I groan and rub my head, sitting back on my knees with Seiji beneath me. He doesn't look like he's been hurt, but I want to make sure. "Sorry. Hope I didn't hurt you."

Seiji's laugh is so enchanting. He better stop that or I'm going to do something really stupid, like ask him to elope with me. "Didn't hurt," he confirms. He looks like an angel, with his hair spread out over the blankets and his smile warm and inviting. I lean over him, making sure my hips are to the side of his, and continue where we left off. His tongue is really hot as it meets mine, and it feels really good. I shiver as Seiji wraps his arms around me and I open my mouth more, wanting to kiss him deeper, wanting him to kiss me deeper. He rubs my back and opens his mouth, too, stroking my tongue for a moment before pulling away. I take this opportunity to suck his lower lip and run my fingers through his silky hair. His moan - a reaction to my touch - drives me wild and I want to touch him more, make him feel even better, but I know this isn't the time. 

Finally, I pull away, placing a dozen centimeters between us. I barely realize I'm panting before I ask, "Need to take a breather?" I know I need to take a breather. 

He looks regretful as he closes his eyes. "We need to stop." I know I shouldn't, but I'm curious, so I peek at his crotch. Like I suspected. He's a little hard. Me too, but I'm trying to ignore it as much as possible. I feel... weirdly proud that I can get him hard just by kissing him, but I shouldn't because we need to be avoiding that for a while. This is a really weird thought, but for a moment I wish I could pull down his pants and suck him off, but not today, Daichi. Not today. 

I sit up and rub his shoulder. "That's okay." I hesitate. "Is it okay if I hug you?" 

Seiji opens his eyes and blinks, raising his eyebrows. "You don't need to ask," he says plainly, as if it was obvious. 

So, I pull him up into my arms and hug him. He hugs me back, his face buried in my chest and fingers digging into the back of my shirt. The thought enters my head again. I love him. I need to be careful, or I will actually say it out loud sometime soon. That's probably even more dangerous than having sex with him, for some reason, because sex can mean anything. Obviously I liked everybody who I've had sex with, but I'm not completely stupid. I know that a lot of them just thought I was a piece of ass to use until they found someone better. Maybe this is what Seiji thinks of me? I wouldn't hate him if he did. 

After a minute of squeezing me, he pats my back and rests his head against me a little harder. "We should get up," he tells me. I love holding him, but he's probably right. I don't know what time it is, because I didn't bother to look at the clock when I woke up, but it's definitely at least mid-morning. Slowly, savoring every last inch of contact that I have, I pull away from him as he sits up more sturdily. He's not smiling anymore, but he doesn't look angry or sad. 

His eyes drift over to the clock, and I follow his gaze. 9:57. I guess we were kissing for a while, huh... "Do you want to take your shower first?" 

Seiji nods. As expected. "I think Mom is out doing something today, and Dad is abroad, so I believe it's just us in the house. Feel free to eat any leftovers or make something yourself, if you'd like." 

I nod. "Okay." He stands, picks out an outfit from his closet, and leaves for the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. 

I lie back down on the bed, head spinning. If I'm honest, I never expected this morning to go like this. My stomach growls, but I try to ignore it, trying to remember what Seiji's lips feel like for just another moment. Can I look forward to this from now on? I touch my lips absentmindedly and groan. Ughhh, Daichi, don't be weird. Agitated and filled with nervous energy, I go downstairs to make breakfast.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry about the long wait, I was having some personal issues and couldn't find it in me to write. Updates should be more regular from now on as they have (for the most part) resolved themselves! Thank you for your patience. 
> 
> I may have to do some retconning because I realized some major canonical conflict issues that I overlooked as I'm replaying after updating the game with the new patch (unless I... totally read something wrong, haha), but I'm probably going to update a few more times before tackling that project. If you see some inconsistencies, know that what I'm posting in the future is correct, not what I posted in the past.

Thank God for Seiji's mom. The fridge is full (not jam-packed), and has all the ingredients that I need to make fried rice. I take out everything I think I need - fresh vegetables, some leftover rice and pork, dashi... After a moment of thought, I realize I should probably keep it vegetarian so Seiji doesn't complain, so I put back the pork and dashi. (I might grab some pork later if I'm really hungry, but we'll see.) There's some reduced vegetable broth in the pantry, so I'll just use that and an extra egg instead. Maybe add some extra mushrooms. I survey the ingredients I've laid out on the counter. Good, looks like that's everything. I know it's not something special, but I think my fried rice is pretty good, and I'd rather make something for Seiji than just rely on whatever his mom made the night before, even if her cooking is way better than mine ever will be. 

The nice thing about cooking is that you can focus on it and not think about anything else. For a few minutes, all there is in the world is the repetitive motion of chopping vegetables, the clack of the knife against the cutting board and the cool feel of metal against skin as I brush it clean with my fingers. It's soothing, I think to myself as I finish chopping the carrots. Cutting up the green onion is practically second-nature at this point, but I still pay attention because I don't want to get distracted and accidentally cut off my finger or something. A dark thought seeps through my mind like evil fog, so I put down the knife, breathe in deeply, and feel the pressure of my feet on the floor. I'm here and in Seiji's kitchen. I breathe out, reminding myself that I'm wearing long-sleeved pajamas, reminding myself of anything that's different that I can look at and feel as quickly as possible, and look back down at the knife. I think I'm okay. I pick it up, feeling its weight in my palm, and continue chopping, finely dicing the mushrooms this time. It's a preference thing, but I can't stand when mushrooms aren't cut up beyond slices. Plus, they cook faster this way, and Seiji likes delicate things, anyway. Need to watch them a little more closely, but that's alright. 

Once everything is cut up and ready, I whisk the eggs in a bowl. Seiji's mom taught me how to do this when I was a teenager trying to learn how to cook for myself - she taught me how to make omurice, but I like my fried rice a little better. My omurice is okay, but both Seiji and his mom make the eggs fluffier than I can while still having them contain everything in a neat package. My egg ends up being kind of... thin, somehow, when I'm making it, and sometimes it's not formed properly and some rice gets out. It's a little disappointing, but the filling is so good that usually it doesn't matter. Still, I should make the best thing I can for Seiji this morning. 

I guess the thought spilled out. I stop whisking and sigh, my stomach flipping. It's not that I'm making something for us, even, as friends - I'm doing this, picking out the ingredients and figuring out how to cook them thinking of Seiji specifically. That's probably more on the romantic side, isn't it? Normally Seiji scrunches his nose but accepts it if there's some dashi, or fishes out any meat that he doesn't want to eat, but I'm making sure he doesn't have to do that. I want him to enjoy it as much as I do. I want him to smile as he eats something that I made with him in mind. 

I touch my face. It's hot. I'm embarrassed in myself. 

Shaking my head, I frown and pour oil in the wok. It heats up fairly quickly, and I pour in the eggs, making sure they don't cook completely. I wonder what Seiji looked like when he made the rice porridge for me. Was he making the same face I'm making? No, probably not. He doesn't show his heart on his sleeve like I do - or, at least, not in the same way. He probably was serious and stern, checking over his shoulder every minute to make sure I was still asleep, dicing all the vegetables perfectly and measuring meticulously, making sure the meniscus was not even slightly above or below the mark before adding the water. I chuckle. Seiji is precise to the point of being persnickety sometimes, but I can't say that I hate it. I just kind of eyeball it at this point and it usually comes out about right. I can always adjust later if I'm wrong. 

Ah, shit! I let my mind wander. The egg looks okay, though, because it was only a few seconds. I mix it quickly (it's still fluffy, good) and place it on a plate to the side. Time to cook the veggies. I add some fresh oil, and then the carrots, green onions, and some crushed garlic. I stir them, making sure they're evenly coated in oil, and add the mushrooms, too. Mushrooms are best when they're tender and not overly-cooked, I think. I don't think Seiji is as picky with his mushroom as I am, but I've always been more of a meat guy, and mushrooms sometimes just don't taste right if they're too soft. Maybe I'm weird. And maybe I don't need to worry so much, because this is more for Seiji than it is for me. 

That thought makes me both worry more and less. I toss the vegetables, and they seem mostly done. I add the rice and break it apart with the spatula, making sure it's not in clumps and able to be evenly coated with oil. Okay... why am I sweating? This is the one meal I'm pretty confident in. Ugh. Everything's looking good, despite my nervousness, so I add the egg back in, breaking it up as I toss it. It smells good... so, at least there's that. 

I realize that the water has stopped running upstairs. My heart starts racing. Quickly, I add salt, pepper, some soy sauce and some broth and toss the wok a few more times, making sure everything's incorporated evenly. It's been - actually, I can't remember the last time I made vegetarian fried rice, so I'm hoping that this tastes okay. I grab the spatula and have a little taste. Hm. I think it's okay, but it needs a little extra... something, not sure what. It hits me. Oh, duh, I forgot the sake. I add it, try again, and smile. Okay, that's perfect. 

Before I can get the rice into bowls, I sense a presence in the doorway. I turn behind me and Seiji is standing there, a few feet in front of me, watching me. I wish I could calm down my thoughts, but, holy wow, he is so handsome right now. He's so handsome... all the time, and it's hitting me more and more every time I've seen him lately, and it's making me want to do really stupid things. He's not wearing anything super special for him - just long V-neck shirt and some slacks with short socks in addition to his watch - but Seiji can make any clothes look good. Or maybe he just wears clothes that he knows suit him, and I guess he does always buy the good brands... but he looks so good. Really good. I - want to drop the wok on the floor and hug and kiss him, I admit to myself, and I can't help but gulp. That's embarrassing, thinking that about Seiji, but I can't help it, and - I really, really want to. Seiji tilts his head at me curiously before looking down at the wok in my hands. "Breakfast?" 

I snap back to reality. "Ah! Yeah, I made enough for both of us. Sit down and I'll get you some." I'm frozen in place as he nods and sits down at the table, crossing his legs. Ugh... this is so awkward. I am so awkward. I spin around and scoop the rice into two bowls, trying to breathe in as deeply and quietly as I can to stop my hands from trembling. I've never gotten this nervous around girls. What's up with me? Fuck, Daichi, it's just Seiji. Who cares if you've been having sex with him? So what if he's a really good kisser? He's still your friend, like he told you, and you need to stop thinking so hard. I turn back around and he's bouncing his leg up and down slightly, looking off to the side and biting his lip. Huh. I clear my throat as I put the bowl down in front of him, and his leg stops as he focuses on me. "Do you want something to drink?" 

"Orange juice... but I can get it." He uncrosses his legs and moves forward in his seat. "It's my house, and you're the guest. Plus, you made breakfast... I can do that much, at least." 

I shake my head and walk over to the fridge myself. "I'm already up, and I am doing this because I'm the guest. I need to repay you for letting me stay over in your nice house." 

Seiji's frowning when I turn around with two glasses of orange juice, his arms crossed as he leans back in his chair. "You don't need to pay me for anything." 

"I want to," I say frankly, and he uncrosses his arms and gives me a look. I think... he's both confused and happy, but it's kind of hard to tell. After I place down his glass, I sit down across from him and look at the food. It's still steaming and looks delicious. I'm starving. "Let's eat." 

I start shoveling down the food immediately because I'm really really hungry, but Seiji hesitates a moment after picking up some rice with his spoon. "This doesn't have any meat in it," he says, like a question without the question mark. 

"Nope," I confirm, mouth half-full with food. "No meat. Wanted to try something different."

"It's impolite to talk with your mouth full." He lifts the spoon to his mouth and takes a delicate bite, chewing thoroughly before swallowing.

I, on the other hand, gulp down what's in my mouth and pout. "You asked me a question!" 

Seiji laughs, closing his eyes and lowering his head, and then slowly opens his eyes, tilting his head and smiling at me. Woah... "Thank you," he says, his smile becoming slightly wider as his eyes narrow. "It's very good." 

I'm happy! My plan worked! "Ah, it's nothing! I just know that sometimes you pick out the meat and I wanted to make something that you would want to eat, too." 

He is trying not to show it, but he's definitely touched. My heart feels - like spiky fuzz, soft but tingly as it thuds in my chest. "You could have added meat. That would have been completely fine," he says. 

I shake my head. "Nah, I don't eat enough veggies anyway, according to you." Seiji closes his eyes and nods in agreement. "It's just, nice to be able to share a meal with you that's something made just for us, and you don't have to pick out anything you don't like, or force yourself to eat it." The way he's looking at me - slight amazement, and something else, something deeper - makes me feel shy again. "Um... I'm glad you like it. I wanted to try hard for you." 

Seiji blinks, nods, and goes back to eating, staring hard at the rice as he eats. Just as well. I'm really hungry, too, even though my stomach is turning in excitement and - maybe another thing, but I can't admit that now, only when we're in bed together. I'm panicking a little. What the fuck, Daichi... He crosses his legs and pokes at the rice, making sure everything is evenly incorporated. "The mushrooms are perfect," he says without looking up at me. Oh... oh god... am I getting sick? I almost want to throw up and my face feels so hot, my entire body feels so hot and I'm sweating. I gulp so loudly that Seiji looks up, and his expression shifts from contentment to concern. "Are you okay?" 

"I dunno," I answer honestly. He frowns, and I try to fix it. "I'll be fine, though! I just have work tonight and I can sleep in tomorrow morning before going back in to work tomorrow afternoon. It's okay, don't worry about me." 

Something crosses Seiji's mind, because his expression opens in recollection. "Oh, speaking of illness..." Huh? Seiji looks off to the side of me, just past my ear. I look behind me. There's nothing there. Oh... I guess he's thinking? 

I spin back around and look at him, and he is both looking at me and someplace far away at the same time, trying to recall something. "What's up?" 

Embarrassed, he coughs and closes his eyes. "I know you don't always take care of yourself, so... it's not that I don't trust you, but back in September, I got tested." Got... tested? I mean, I know that Seiji is undergoing thorough testing, but that's kind of weird to bring it up all of a sudden... "Thoroughly." Is he stressed out and needs to take a break? He shouldn't push himself so hard! Seiji looks back up at me, pouting, and continues. "I... know we didn't use protection last night, and I'm sorry, but the results came back clean and I... I haven't slept with anybody else since then." 

I drop my spoon. I really might throw up now. I feel like an idiot for not realizing what he was talking about, and that sudden info-dump was not something I think I could handle this morning. 

Even as I'm dumbfounded, Seiji sighs and looks at me - I think he's trying to glare, but he seems more nervous than anything. He's blushing, a little, which doesn't make him look any scarier. "You?" 

"N-no," I manage, "but don't say stuff like that so casually over breakfast!" 

"When else was I supposed to say it? Was I supposed to make an announcement, making you worry?" He takes a sip of his orange juice. "It's something you needed to hear. I didn't want you to worry about catching a disease from me, or passing it on to someone else." 

Come to think of it, it probably was dumb that I never got tested. I mean, I always used condoms when I was with girls, but... this summer was kind of risky, on multiple levels, and I - trust Seiji, too, but, yeah... I should have done that. I feel kind of sad for making Seiji do it himself - I know that he's really rich and everything, but that was probably a big waste of time and resources that could have been spent in better ways. "Sorry," I say. I feel stupid because I know he wouldn't have worried so much if I had kept my dick in my pants more often. 

He shakes his head. "It's fine." We make eye contact for a few seconds, and my pulse thuds in my ears before he looks down into his orange juice. It's weird having Seiji think to himself in such an obvious way - usually he keeps it to himself, but I can tell he's thinking about something by the way that he's tapping his finger against the side of the cup and tilting his head as he watches the ripples on the glass. He stops and says, "I'm glad you've stopped seeking out women that hurt you." 

I don't know why, because that's a weird thing to say, but I'm a little happy that he told me that. Still, need to keep up appearances. "That's a weird thing to say suddenly." Shit, I'm smiling. 

"Is it?" He's smiling back. "Guess I'm weird." 

"You?? Weird?? What does that make me then?" 

Seiji chuckles to himself. The way his eyes crinkle and his slightly crooked smile make me feel bright and awake, and - even though I'm nervous - I feel the nausea and fear peeling away from me. He looks like he's about to say something, but the words die a quiet death in his throat, and instead he narrows his eyes and puts his hand on the table. "A person who has no issues consorting with someone who is weird, considering you made me a delicious breakfast that I want to eat." It looks really inviting. I think he did that on purpose. Hesitantly, I put my hand over his, and he continues. "So, either you are very kind, or perhaps you are weirder than me." Slowly, he lifts his fingers and entwines them with mine, pulling my hand in closer and squeezing. "Or a little of each." 

"Probably just weirder." I was trying to joke, but my voice sounds soft and warm as I say that, and, even though I'm trying to not show it, I know that I'm making this face at Seiji that shows him exactly how I'm feeling. Which is... embarrassing, and I shouldn't, and I've been trying to force myself to not show it for years now, but his smile is nothing if not fond and he's squeezing my hand and I keep feeling like I want to run away but I shouldn't, because it's Seiji. He's seen me through everything, through losing my parents, through all my exes dumping me, through nightmares and screaming and crying and - and everything, and still he's here, still he wants to hang out with me, still he wants to be my friend. Still, he wants to have sex with me. Maybe not right now, but... again. His smile is so fond and I want to hug him even more than I want to eat, even if it doesn't lead to sex, even if it doesn't lead to kissing. I just want to be near him. 

"Hmm. I wonder." 

The thought that I've eventually fallen in love with everybody that I've had sex with more than once bubbles to the top of my head before I forcibly push it back down. That's - a really stupid thought, especially considering what happened earlier this morning. Calm down, Daichi. 

Seiji continues eating, and, my stomach settling, I join him. The grip has loosened, but we're still holding hands, fingers barely overlapping, and that contact is enough to relax my nerves enough to regain my appetite. It's kinda hard to eat with my left hand, but it's better this way - I'd rather be slightly inconvenienced than to ruin Seiji's breakfast in any way. Even though we're both focused on our food, I think it's honestly mostly because we're hungry, and not because we're trying to avoid each other or conversation, or something. I do notice when Seiji looks up at me, barely peeks, before returning to his food, but I'm not able to understand the emotion on his face before it returns to a concentrated voraciousness. 

Somehow, I finish first. I put my spoon in the bowl, take a gulp of juice, and suddenly am not sure what to do with myself, because - maybe I'm being stubborn, but I don't want to let go of Seiji's hand. He still has a bit left. Almost subconsciously, I put my elbow on the table and lean against my left hand, watching him eat. The rhythmic, repetitive movements of his hand to the bowl and back, the smoothness of his spoon when he pulls it away from his mouth (not a grain of rice left on it), the way he chews and swallows - all of it is relaxing, familiar even though I feel like this is the first time I've actually paid attention to it in a real way. I think that, unless Seiji was upset, or angry, or distressed, anything he would do would be calm and familiar to me, an oasis. 

After a minute, he swallows the last of his rice, and dabs his face with a napkin. "I won't disappear," he tells me firmly, and I realize that he must have noticed that I was staring at him and only decided to say something now. Well... of course he noticed, I was pretty blatant about it. He doesn't seem mad, though. 

I try putting my thoughts into words. "Mmm, it's not that I think you will... it's just nice to see you." 

He smiles and squeezes my hand lightly before we finally part. "It's nice to see you too. Always." He stands up and picks up his bowl, then mine. "You should finish your juice and take a shower. You have work in a few hours, right?" 

"Ah, right." I pull out my phone. It's almost 11 now, so I really should be getting ready if I want to get to work on time. "Thank you." 

I gulp down my juice and Seiji takes the glass away. "I'll clean up here. You clean yourself up." 

"Got it. Thank you again." I start to walk out of the kitchen, but hesitate. I think I feel Seiji's eyes on my back. I turn around, but he's scrubbing down dishes in the sink, staring hard at them, so maybe I was just imagining things. I shouldn't think about it more, so I zoom upstairs, skipping every other step, and rush into the shower. 

This shower is very different from last night - cold, because I don't want to do anything stupid or waste time, and very fast. I don't use Seiji's shampoo, and I definitely don't touch myself. The water feels warm, anyway, by the time it's trickling down my legs - even without an erection, or really being horny at all, I feel warm, and it's overpowering my body, radiating out from my core and now that I've calmed down my nerves, I feel elated. I can do anything. 

Words pop into my head that I want to say aloud, and I realize maybe not anything. Most anything. Yeah. That's good enough for now. Just being by Seiji's side is fine - more than fine, now that he's expecting me to kiss him most times that we see each other. How can I not be happy with that? As much as I want to, I shouldn't get greedy. Nobody's home, so I just walk out of the bathroom wearing a towel around my waist, and sneak into Seiji's room, making sure to not leave a water trail behind me. 

Without much fuss, I get dressed, pack up my pajamas, and double-check for anything I might have left behind in Seiji's room. Satisfied, I zip up my bag and sling it over my shoulder as I head downstairs. 

Seiji's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs, leaned against the wall, hunched over. It's very him. He's trying to look like he wasn't waiting, but he totally was. You can't fool me, Seiji! Unless you're waiting for a delivery or something, but what sort of delivery would you be waiting for on Christmas Eve? Kind of late to get any presents by mail today! And you don't have a girlfriend to give them to, either. You haven't even had sex with a girl for almost six months now, if not longer. He can't fool me. 

I'm pretty sure he's trying to look casual... and failing. I cringe inwardly. Is this what I have been looking like? That's embarrassing if that's true... but... I'm kind of happy that Seiji is trying to look cool for me. "It's time for you to leave, isn't it." 

"Yeah, it'd be better if I could drop off my things at home and have time to get into my work clothes." Seiji looks weirdly sullen, eyes focused on the stairs, as if they were the one that were talking to him. "Hey." He focuses his gaze on me and I gulp. "Um... thank you for inviting me over." This sounds awful both in my head and out loud but I feel like I have to add it: "I had fun." 

His response surprises me - even though he gets up off of the wall slowly, looking me over as if to gauge my reaction, I still am slightly startled when he hugs me, leaning his weight into my chest and squeezing me tight. "I had fun, too," he whispers, stroking my hair with one hand as he holds me close. "I loved breakfast." 

The words dance in my head again, but I don't say them. "I'm glad," I murmur, and squeeze him back. We don't part for at least a minute, this full-body embrace warming every inch of me, before I finally sigh and smile at him. The look on Seiji's face isn't sadness, but he looks - almost a little lonely. I hug him more briefly, quickly patting his back, and brush my fingers against his hand. "It's okay. Work's going to be busy, but if you need someone to talk to tonight, or if you ever wake up in the middle of the night, I'll try to be here for you, alright?" 

Seiji stares at the wall and makes a complex face. "I wasn't thinking about that. ...But, thank you." Maybe I'm going crazy, but I think he wants me to kiss him. And it'd be a lie if I said that I didn't think that the prospect was unappealing, but I told him that I'd slow down, and also, I don't want either of us to get the wrong idea. We're just friends that fuck, right? I'm glad he's cool with all the special touching that comes with that, but we need to keep it that way if we want to remain friends. And, more than anything, I want to be Seiji's friend. 

"I'll see you soon?" 

He looks embarrassed. "Daichi... I was thinking, did you want to spend New Year's with me? Sorry for the short notice." 

"Huh?" I blink. That was meant to be a goodbye, not a proposition, though I don't think I hate it... It's not like this is the first time we've done that, but... the past few years, I've always spent it with a girlfriend. Kind of weird for two guy friends who are dating age to hang out together on that day. That said... what about our relationship isn't weird right now?

Unusually, Seiji is losing confidence. "You do not have to say yes, but I thought you might want to." 

I shake my head. "No, I do." I squeeze his hand one last time before letting go of him completely. "I really need to get to work, but we can figure out the details later, okay?" 

He sighs in relief as he pulls my coat off the coat rack and hands it to me. "Okay." I'm pretty sure I don't need to put on my coat, with his smile warming my heart, but I do anyway, because I know that, logically, I'd probably catch a cold without one. "I'll message you later." 

"Alright." I don't, but I really do want to kiss him goodbye. That would be too much, though. I didn't even kiss a lot of my girlfriends goodbye - not for lack of trying, though, I guess, but I thought they wouldn't like it. If I couldn't do it with them, it'd definitely be weird to do it with Seiji, a guy that I'm not dating. "Well... I'm off. I'll see you in a week, then." 

"Yeah. See you next week." 

I close the door on Seiji's wistful face, and all I want to do is turn back and hold him.

*~*

The night is busy in the store and I can barely catch my breath, but Yamamoto is all over me, because I'm awful at lying and it's obvious that I've gotten laid. I tell him that today is not the day to pester me, so he eventually quits it, but I know I'm going to have to cross that bridge at some point. Ugh. Why is my coworker like this.

When I get home, I collapse on my bed and curl up in a ball. I ate on the way home from work already and I figure I can change and shower in the morning. I'm about to fall asleep when I hear my phone ping. Curious, I pick it up and check my messages. 

>I hope tonight wasn't too hard on you. Merry Christmas.

It's a simple message from Seiji, but it's enough to make me shiver. I type my response. 

>Merry Christmas. It wasn't too bad. 

I hesitate.

>Sweet dreams, Seiji. 

His reply is immediate. 

>Of course. You too. 

I fall asleep holding the phone to my chest.


	10. Chapter 10

"Kobayashi-kun, get your act together!" 

I startle as I feel Yamamoto poking my back, almost tripping over my broom. "Uwah! Hey, that was uncalled for!" 

"What's uncalled for is how dreamy you're looking if you're not - ugh, forget it, but you really need to start cleaning up and helping me restock, dude!" Yamamoto is pouting, his arms filled to the brim with wrapped pastries. "It's not like yesterday, but it's still really busy with all the stragglers trying to pick up shit for _their girls_!" He lays onto the last words a little bit too thick for my liking, so I roll my eyes at him as I finish sweeping the pile of dust into the bin. "What's up with you, anyway?" he asks, his voice filled with anticipation. 

This is definitely not something I want to talk about with Yamamoto. "Nothing," I say, deadpan as I can. 

"Nothing?" He's giving me a shit-eating grin, and I hate it. I know I've given that smile to Seiji in the past, so I hate it even more, knowing that I looked like that when Seiji probably just wanted to be left alone. "Come on, we both know that's a lie." 

"Didn't you say that I need to get my act together? I'm going to do that now," I grumble, snatching some of the pastries from his arms and put them on the shelf, making sure the oldest ones are pushed towards the front. "I'm tired, that's all." 

"Yep. Because you're sick." He leans into me, and I lean back. A few pastries fall out of my arms. "Lovesick." 

"That's weird, don't do that," I reprimand him as I pick them up and restock them properly. "I thought you wanted me to get back to work," I mumble, a little resentful. Why is he pressing this so hard? Why is he the way he is? 

Yamamoto clicks his tongue at me and shakes his head, leaning back and restocking the shelves next to me. "You're an awful liar. I knew you were bullshitting when you said that you didn't have a girlfriend. Hm, or maybe you didn't have a girlfriend on Thursday, but you definitely have one now." I feel my face contort a little, embarrassed, and he snorts. "See, what did I tell you? You've got it bad, Kobayashi-kun. You should just tell me about her, it'll make you feel better." 

I squint my eyes shut and sigh. "Okay, fine." I'm trying to figure out how I'll get out of this one... "Well, she's someone who I've known for a long time... and she's... really beautiful," I manage. I'm not sure if my heart is pounding from the parts that were lies or the parts that were the truth. "We're not dating, though." 

This doesn't satisfy him. Yamamoto looks at me suspiciously as we walk to the back room to grab more stock on sandwiches and drinks. I can't say I'm surprised. "Does she have a name?" 

"Uh..." Shit. I should have thought ahead. He's going to doubt me if I can't say something as obvious as a girl's name...! I'm stumbling, though, because all I want to say is _Seiji_. I don't actually want to say it, but it would be a hell of a lot easier than picking a name out of a hat, and... thinking about Friday is making me feel flustered. "M-Makoto," I say awkwardly, grasping at the first thing that pops into my head. 

"Huh." He scratches his head. "Did you ever mention a Makoto before...?" 

"It's a long story," I say dismissively as I pick up a crate of juice. "Come on, let's get working before the boss gets angry at us for being slow." 

"Yeah, yeah." He picks up a case of soda himself. "You don't need to get pissy at me." 

I don't respond. The repetitive motion of filling the shelves is soothing my nerves a little, and I focus on just that, on how my muscles are moving, how they flex and relax. It's good exercise carrying the heavier boxes, and the drink cases are definitely up there in terms of weight. The actual drinks aren't that heavy, obviously, but it feels nice to move. I want to run. Away, and to burn off some steam. 

In the back of my mind, I know that I'm really worked up from Friday night and Saturday morning. It's Sunday, now, and I should have relaxed, but I haven't. Seiji's text last night didn't help. I didn't see any new texts in the morning, but I woke up with my arms stretched out in front of me with my phone resting on one of them, longing to feel him squeezed against my chest. I wanted to hold him and make sure he had sweet dreams, to protect him from his nightmares and anybody who might want to hurt him. I know that's stupid because there's nobody who can protect me from my own nightmares, but... I want him to feel safe. I want him to feel needed. I want him to feel - jeez, no, don't have this thought here, especially after telling off Yamamoto. And I'd have been perfectly happy cooking him breakfast again, too, even though his mom probably did that... or I'd be happy eating something he made, too... I feel funny and I've felt funny all day, so I guess it's not a surprise that Yamamoto is annoying me extra hard today. I can get him back some other time. 

_Bzz bzzzz bzz._

Yamamoto turns over to me, raising an eyebrow. I'm trying really hard to not lose my cool, but I probably look like a deer in the headlights. "Uh, you know we aren't allowed to have those on the clock, right...?" 

"Yes," I hiss quietly. This has never been a problem before - I always keep my phone on me as a watch, because I don't have one, and normally I'm able to discreetly pull it out and check if I'm unsure what time it is. I silence my apps beforehand, but I always forget about the texts and ringtone, but I almost never get those. Who uses texting in this day and age? 

I swallow, continuing the put away juice, and it happens again, my phone vibrating against my leg and lighting up my pocket. Yamamoto smirks. "Is that a phone in your pocket, or..."

"Haha, nice," I mumble anxiously, because if I was in a movie theater or something I would find that hilarious, but I'm at work and who the hell is texting me? Anybody that has my number probably knows I'm working... unless I'm getting a text from an ex? Why would any of my exes be texting me... classmates? I'm going down the list in my head of the few who I gave my number out to... can't think of anyone, and the syllabus is online anyway so I don't get why they would be texting me. I swallow. "Um, Yamamoto-kun, do you mind covering for me while I run to the bathroom? I promise I'll be quick!" 

Yamamoto gives me a lecherous grin. "If it's nudes from your girlfriend, show me too!" 

I don't hide my disgust. "Gross. I'll be right back." That said, he's still is going to make up an excuse for me if the boss notices I'm gone, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him. I bow to him slightly and put away the last few juice bottles. Hurriedly, as discretely as I can, I sneak into the bathroom, lock the door behind me, and sit on the toilet as I unlock my phone. 

It's Seiji. He started messaging me on RHINE a few minutes after I punched in, and sent me two texts. In an instant, my anxiety and annoyance melts away. This is still a problem, but... it's Seiji. Despite everything, I feel my hand touch my face as I scroll through the RHINE messages with my thumb. 

>Good morning, Daichi. How are you?   
>It's very chilly out. I hope that you dress appropriately to get to work.   
>If you forgot an umbrella, you should buy one. It may snow tonight.   
>Funny, isn't it? I don't think I've ever seen a White Christmas before. 

I chuckle fondly and lean my cheek against my hand. Seiji's nervous. It's really cute. There's a lapse in time between messages, maybe an hour or so, before he started messaging me again. 

>I keep attempting to study for finals but I can't concentrate.  
>I miss you.

Was my face always this hot? With difficulty, I swallow. There's a lapse of about fifteen minutes between that message and the next one.

>Sorry, I hope I'm not bothering you. Perhaps you're already at work?   
>You can ignore that last message.   
>I was just thinking, I miss the old days, back when we would study together in the library.  
>Seeing you work hard made me want to work hard, too.   
>You're really amazing. Then, and now. 

I have to put down my phone for a minute. Normally, I'd try to brush it off and tell him he's being weird, but... wow, my heart is pounding. I clutch my chest and scroll down to see the last two messages. 

>You can do anything, Daichi.   
>I don't think I've ever said it, but I'm cheering for you. 

It's a good thing I decided to read these in the bathroom, because it'd be totally obvious that I'm reading messages that are making me flustered if I was out in the store, even if I was subtle about my phone placement. I'm burning up. I want to kiss my phone, but that would be weird, so I don't. He's... I sigh. Seiji is such a great guy. I'm so lucky that I managed to score a best friend as kind and considerate as him. 

I check my texts next. There are only two, but they're also both from Seiji. 

>Hello.   
>Sorry to bother you. Hope you aren't working. 

I can't help but laugh. I can feel his regret in between messages, so I can't be too angry at him. I type out my response. 

>I am, but it's okay. Hello.   
>I read your messages.   
My heart flips in my chest. Seiji's embarrassed, so I'm going to take a risk.   
>I miss you too. 

I really need to piss. I guess it's good that I came in here. I shake my head, sliding my phone into my pocket as I stand up to use the urinal. As I'm peeing, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket again. Ugh, need to remember to turn that off before I leave here. I shake a few times, flush, and wash my hands. I splash some water on my face, too, for good measure. I need to cool off and be alert. My heart feels fluttery and bright. Exhale, reach into my pocket, and check Seiji's text. 

>Can I call you when you get off of work? 

I lean against the door. 

>Yeah. I should be home in seven hours. I'll talk to you then, okay? I'm going to silence my phone now.   
>Talk to you soon.

Words that I should not be thinking at work are at the tips of my fingers, but I delete and don't hit send.

~*~

It's a little past midnight when Seiji calls. I actually thought that he forgot to call, or that it would be too late for him, and was a bit resigned to it and ready to fall asleep. My phone buzzing by my face is enough to wake me up, though. (Hey, I needed to make sure that I'd hear if he did call. There was no way I'd miss that, after he waited for me all day. I wanted to wait for him, in return.)

"Hello?" 

His relieved sigh relaxes me. "Hi. You're still awake." 

"Yeah, I'm winding down. Today was a long day." 

I can practically hear his smile through the phone. "I'm so glad I caught you." 

It's winter, so I should get warm, but I think I'm pulling the blanket over my head and curling up on my side underneath it because talking to Seiji like this reminds me of when we were kids, or at least the feeling of awe and adoration I felt back then. I feel... a little shy, but I can't let that change things. "I didn't know we were playing tag... does that mean I get to catch you next? You're it!" I squeeze onto a pillow, as if I'm tagging him in a full-body tackle. Seiji's laugh is warm. I cover the receiver with my hand and lean into the pillow as I sigh. I wish I was cuddling Seiji, feeling his body, letting his laugh tickle my hair or my shirt, or my neck. As his laughter fades, I think about what his face must look like, and I realize that I'm desiring his lips, pressed against mine, if only for a minute. I'd ask for more, but I'm afraid to. "Was there something you wanted to talk about? You sounded kind of... I dunno, tense earlier." 

His soft sigh confuses me. I don't know if he's embarrassed, or...? "I don't know. I wanted to hear your voice." He pauses for a few seconds. "That's all." 

"Huh? Why?" His silence is thick, but I can tell because he's preparing his words carefully. My heart is pounding - if he's thinking this hard, he's probably going to say something... really nice. "Um, if that's a dumb question, it's okay, there's-"

"No, it's not dumb," he interrupts. 

I can tell he's still thinking, even though his voice is firm, so I continue. "I just don't get it. Your voice is so nice and smooth and calm, and it always seems like you know what you're doing. Anybody would trust a voice like yours." I rub my face against my pillow. "You're going to make a great civil servant. Everybody is going to want to listen to you. I bet someday you're going to be an ambassador or something." 

He sighs through his nose, and it's kind of hard to tell over the phone, but I think he sounds... amused? "Daichi, I'm not charming like you." 

"I'm a dumbass and get people to laugh at me, that doesn't make me charming." 

"No, you are." His praise is making me feel warm. "People like you because of who you are, and they can see it in how you act. It's... why I wanted to be friends with you in the first place. You're... a really great guy, hardworking and kind. We may have had different birthrights, but I won't be surprised when you change the world more with your teaching than I ever will. You have a direction in life." 

Maybe I should stop fighting his praise, like I usually do. "You're probably overestimating me. But... thank you." I can't help but smile, something understated and small, but my heartbeat is racing. "And please don't forget that you helped me. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, and I didn't think I could do anything. There's no way I'd be here without you helping me through middle school. I'd be trash, or..."

"You're not trash, so let's not think about it."

"Right." I breathe deeply. "But, really... thank you. You say I'm great, but I could have never even dreamed of being here if it wasn't for you." 

Seiji inhales sharply. Is he okay...? "Me too." He exhales... he's okay. 

There's a silence between us, but it doesn't feel awkward, even though it should. It feels more pregnant than anything - if I was there with him, I'd probably be kissing him, or holding him, or he would hold me. My heart is rapid in my throat. I wish I was there with him, or he was here with me. This is a mistake, but I have to say it. "I miss you." 

He laughs, a little sad. "When did this start happening, I wonder." 

I stroke the back of my pillow and hug it close to me. "What do you mean?" 

"Even when we weren't talking much... seeing your posts online, on Faithbook and RHINE, the pictures you took with your girlfriends, posts you made about your jobs and about school. Jokes you'd send me when you were distracted from assignments. They made me happy." His chuckle is nervous, but kind and filled with caring. "When did I start missing you so much?" I'd drop my phone, if it wasn't already pressed between the pillow below my cheek and my face. I honestly have no idea what to say. Seiji sighs. "Sorry." 

"N-no, don't be. I said that I miss you." I clutch my chest and close my eyes, trying to steady myself, even though I'm lying down. Steady my heart, steady my wobbling mind. "I've been thinking about you too." I cough. "Um, a lot." Seiji exhales, like he had been holding in his breath for a minute. I want to tell him. I can't tell him. Even if this was the right time, I can't tell him over the phone. 

There's a pause, before Seiji says something. It's a statement, but it sounds more like a question. "I wish we could have spent Christmas together. It would have been really nice, spending time with you instead of doing homework." 

I close my eyes and smile wistfully. "Yeah, that could have been fun. Two guys hanging out on Christmas, going ice-skating and eating hot food in cold weather... hot chocolate and cake." 

" _Coffee_ and cake. Hot chocolate is too sweet." 

"I guess you'd know better, rich kid. I've only drank the canned shit and it doesn't taste very good..." 

"No, it doesn't. Coffee is a drink that you need to take time preparing. It simply doesn't taste the same canned." 

"Hmm...~ And I'm sure you know the best way to do it, huh?" 

"I drink tea more often, but french press coffee is very good. You often don't need to add anything to it, as it tastes rich on its own."

I scrunch my nose. "I don't know about that. Coffee is bitter." 

"Well, your taste buds have been destroyed by fast food. Though perhaps not all is lost..." Seiji trails off. 

"Hm?"

"I was thinking about next week. If it isn't too much, I made reservations somewhere. I wanted to treat you because you've been doing so well at school." 

Reservations? That worries me a bit. "Don't spend too much money on me. It's not like you have a job like I do. We can go to the izakaya like normal." 

"We could, or we could go to this restaurant. It has steak. My brother says it's very good." Dammit, Seiji. Got me by the stomach. 

"Well... okay, if you've already made reservations. But don't spend too much money on me! I'm not a girl." 

"No, you're my best friend." My heart stops. I don't think he's ever actually said that before. I don't think I've ever said it either. I hear him swallow on the other line. "So..." 

"You're my best friend, too," I blurt out. Seiji makes a small noise on the other end, slightly startled. It's... pretty cute. "Really, I don't care what we do as long as I'm with you. Because being with you makes me happy." Regret fills me deeply after I finish talking, especially when Seiji starts laughing. "Sorry, that was weird to say." 

"Don't worry. I feel the same way." 

I put my hand over the receiver and try to calm my breathing. Seiji, please don't be like this. I'm really going to ask him to marry me if he keeps doing this, and I don't know if I can play it off as a joke anymore. I don't know if he can, either. The thought of him, eyes wide, as I hold his hand and ask him, maybe under the stars, someplace quiet... it's making me go crazy. But that's crazy. It's all crazy. I can't do that. I can't force that on him, can't put him in a situation where he feels pressured to say yes. And I want him to get married to someone who he really loves, and can give him the sort of life that he deserves. I'm just going to be a school teacher, and I'm going to be poor for a long time. It's fine to just be best friends. 

"Daichi, are you okay?" 

I pull my hand away and smile. "Yeah, I'm fine! I'm a little surprised, that's all." 

"Me too." That surprises me more. "Are you getting tired? You must have work in the morning." 

"Mm, a little... but I don't want to stop talking to you," I say, way more honest than I should be. 

Seiji sighs. "I'm getting tired. I should sleep. But..." 

"But?" 

"I don't want to hang up, either." 

My heart softens. "Then don't." 

I imagine my voice as hands, pulling Seiji close to me and rubbing his back. Seiji must feel it too, because he sighs in a way that sounds like a lot of tension is leaving his body. "Are you sure? I don't want you to have to worry about your phone at work tomorrow. You can always hang up if I don't talk for a while." 

"I'll just charge it in the break room. Don't worry. I want you to sleep well." 

I almost hear Seiji nod. "Then... will you stay on the line with me until I fall asleep?" He sounds uncertain, but I feel more uncertain than him. I've never done this before, for anyone. But if I was going to do it for anyone, I'd want to do it for Seiji. 

"Yeah." 

Seiji sighs and I hear him shift in his bed, probably getting into a more comfortable position. "Okay." He takes in a breath. "Good night." 

"Good night. If you can't sleep, we can always start talking again, okay?" 

"Okay." It sounds like Seiji wants to say something for a minute, but I hear him give up and close his eyes, his breath steadying and becoming slowly deeper. My body starts becoming heavy, too...

I don't know which one of us falls asleep first, but I wake up to my phone pressed hot against my ear a few hours later. I quickly plug it into my charger and fall back asleep. And, in my dreams, Seiji is with me, too, holding me the way that I was imagining as I fell asleep. 

Seiji is everywhere that I look, but I can't say that I'm complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daichi is an awful liar. His "girlfriend's" name is 誠.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today, but I'm going to try to post another before the weekend is over! Thank you for your patience~

_I'm sitting on my bed, reading my messages from last night that I missed, and checking to see if there are important updates from my friends on Faithbook. Or if they posted a funny cat video, because for some reason I feel like I could use a good laugh. Either way. I scroll with my thumb while drinking a bottle of water, taking in everything my mind can process. The words are squiggly and it's hard to make out what exactly they say, but I can tell that nothing really interesting happened. Out of curiosity, I check Seiji's page. He doesn't really log into Faithbook that much, but I want to see if he's been doing anything, or if he uploaded the selfies that I took with his phone. I feel my face light up as I see that, for once, he did. Not all of them are up there, but he got a few of us at the train station, and another of us hanging outside of the convenience store that I work at. They've all got some likes on them. I smile, leaning against my hand, and press "love"._

_To my surprise, I see a notification at the top of the screen. Seiji just messaged me. Curious, I open it up._  
> _Good morning._  
_Attached is an image. I don't have to open it to tell what it is. My eyes widen and my jaw drops. He... he sent me a dick pic. Without thinking, I open it up to take a closer look. His cock is hard and looks delicious, pink and beautiful, the foreskin completely pulled off the glans, waiting patiently. I gulp, feeling myself salivate. Fuck, why does Seiji have to be so hot? I never wanted to suck dick before this! But, really... it's not so bad as long as he doesn't come inside my mouth..._

_"Daichi, look up." I blink and obey to see Seiji leaning against the door frame, casually tossing an onion in the air and catching it. He's fully clothed, so now I'm doubting the intent of the picture he sent. Maybe he meant for it to go to someone else? I'm nervous. After what seems like at least a minute, Seiji catches the onion, holds it in his fist, and stands up, making sure that his weight is supported. Slowly, taking his time, he takes a bite out of the onion, raw. I gasp at the vivid image of it, of his teeth breaking the raw skin to expose layers underneath. He tilts his head, unfazed, as he folds his arms and continues eating. "Is something the matter?" I can hear him chewing - he's trying to be quiet, but there's nothing quiet about eating a raw onion. It's loud and its taste is strong and I'm not sure how he can be okay with this._

_I take in a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm doing." I can't avert his gaze, although if he has a reaction to my anxiety, it's very minor, so minor that I don't detect it. "Um..." I'm staring at the way he's chewing, his soft tongue running over his lips after every bite, as if to take in the juices. It's a really fresh onion. ...Maybe I'm the one who is weird for not wanting to eat it, with the way that he's savoring it._

_Seiji stands up and walks over to me. The sun filters through the branches of the tree that I'm sitting over, dappling his skin as he walks across the field we're in. He sits next to me, without pressuring me, and, as if it is completely normal, offers the onion to me. "Trust me," he says softly. I can tell he's serious and firm, but there's a hint of a plea inside his voice, too. He wants me to eat the onion. I don't know. I stare at him, then at the onion, then back at him. Seiji's trying to hide it, but he looks a little sad. "Please." I take it in my hands, marveling at the size and weight of it. It feels bigger than I thought it was, although it doesn't smell bad, or particularly onion-y, I guess. Cooked onions are fine - I like their caramelly taste - but I don't know about raw ones. Questioningly, I sniff it. Still doesn't smell bad, just vaguely of vegetables and chlorophyll. Seiji is looking at me expectantly, so I pull gently at the layers that he bit through but didn't complete eating. There are a lot - he only was able to get through about a third of them on his own. I notice that the bite marks are even and perfect, and it makes me smile a little, because of course they would be. Not really understanding what I'm doing myself, I lick it. It's a little salty, for some reason, and pretty juicy. Seiji gasps, looking at me expectantly, and I finally bite in, staring him in the eyes, letting the astringent taste hit my tongue. Oof, there's the flavor. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, though... in fact, I kind of like it. Sure, it's astringent at first, but it there's a real sweetness that lies underneath. Not like sugar, but still intense and memorable. I want more of it. More enthusiastically, I take another bite. As I'm chewing, I give it back to Seiji. He's beaming at me, his crooked grin warming every part of me. As I swallow, he takes another bite himself and hands it back to me. We must eat like this for a few minutes, but we don't manage to get to the core of it._

_Slowly... it occurs to me that I'm indirectly making out with Seiji through this onion. It disappears, and I find myself staring at him, my heart beating low and hard. Seiji must feel it, too, because he leans over me and kisses me. The kiss is brief, but I can feel how much he wants me, and I think he knows that I want him, too. The blanket I'm lying on is tantalizingly fluffy as I kiss him back, pulling him down with me as I lay on my back. I almost feel like I'm drifting away, and it does seem like the field is melting from my view, but his body against mine is achingly real, his skin hot and as ready as mine is. I yelp softly as I feel his hard dick pressing against me as we kiss, his hands cupping my face tenderly. The texture of his skin is smooth and hard, his muscles strong and warm underneath as they tense and flex. He tastes like onions and mint, invigorating and refreshing. Pulling away just a bit, he smiles at me, cocking his head. "I'm glad you trusted me," he tells me. Not a secret, not a whisper. Something he wants to tell everyone. I trusted him. I still trust him. I feel so close to him, like we are joining together, even though we're not having sex yet. The intimacy is intense, but I want even more._

_Words want to come out of my throat, but even here, with Seiji on top of me, ready and willing, I am not ready to say them. Instead, I shiver and kiss him again, hugging him against me as I spread my legs. Taking my cue, he repositions himself between them, not to fuck me but to grind against me, and kisses me deeper, sliding his tongue between my lips. This is - entirely too hot and intense, and I want him badly. I start moving, gyrating my hips upwards as I open my mouth. I want to touch him, taste him, make him feel as good as I'm feeling. He groans and pushes down against me, the pressure making me want to gasp for air. Instead, I hold him closer. I want every inch of him, from his forehead to his feet. My fingers run through his hair, silky and soft, and trace the musculature of his back, and I slowly lick his tongue as he's kissing me. His bare skin is making my head dizzy, especially as he moves against me, pushing my body against the blanket as he thrusts. Unable to bear it, I break from his kiss and pant, shaking. Seiji's touch is reassuring and sturdy, and there is no place I'd rather be, even when I'm uncertain. I am certain of this, though. "I want you inside me," I tell him._

_Seiji doesn't respond to me with words, but with actions. His smile is tender, warm, and I think I see tears on the edges of his eyes. Please don't cry, Seiji. I love you. It's like he knows, because he kisses me, softly, and positions himself against me. I feel ready for him, even though logically I know that I shouldn't be. I'm not prepped and I didn't masturbate last night. But, it's Seiji, and I know he's going to be gentle, and I'm relaxed, so it's okay. He's pretty wet from us frotting, anyway, so there is no hesitation as I lift my legs and spread them further, making it easier for him. Slowly, carefully... lovingly, he pushes inside of me._

_There is no pain, only overwhelming pleasure. "Seiji," I moan, and he closes my mouth with his lips, sliding his dick in to the hilt. His raw masculinity, the taste of his mouth and the firmness of his body all make me feel safe and cared for. I always thought, I don't know, maybe deep in my mind, that doing something like this would make you more feminine, but Seiji is not feminine at all as he looks at me, calculated but concerned, trying to make me comfortable, trying to get me to feel good, and then starts slowly thrusting inside of me, rubbing against my prostate. I throw back my head and moan and there is nothing girly about the way that he kisses my neck, and, as if knowing what I want instinctively, bites just enough so I can feel his teeth against my veins. He's a man, and I'm a man. My cock is pressed firmly between our stomachs, the friction of his thrusts moving me forward, too, slowly but surely. My mind starts going blank as soon as he leans up and starts kissing me again, vigorously with his tongue._

_It's hard to describe this coherently, because it really feels like we have melted together and become one, his body and mine. We are connected through our mouths, his dick inside of me, and... our hearts. That sounds overly sentimental, but I really mean it. I feel his heart beating against my chest, and our hearts are thudding in unison, towards the same goal together. This feels like more than sex, more than pressing him against the wall in the shower or me getting pressed against the wall, either. It feels like a promise, of something beyond tonight, even as he pulls away from our kiss to catch his breath. I look at him and whimper. Looking at me in this way that makes my heart feel itchy, he leans down and kisses me, briefly, a soft and dry kiss, and links his fingers with mine as he starts thrusting harder. Fuck, this feels really good. I want more. I lock my legs, trapping him against me. Seiji's moan is like music to me as he thrusts deeper. The pressure of his body, close, even of his hands as our palms are pressing together, is intensely pleasurable. It's full-body sex. I feel like I'm truly accepting Seiji as a part of me. Without any warning, he starts fucking me vigorously, my body sliding back a little against the blanket. I am about to call out his name, because the thrusting is so intense that my dick is twitching with his movements, precum making our stomachs slick, when he says something himself. "I love you, Daichi."_

_I feel my face turn red. I don't know why - he said that, right now, right when we're in the middle of having sex, but he can't expect me to say anything in return in the heat of passion. That just doesn't feel right. I want to say it when he knows that I mean it. I'm about to tell him that it feels really good when he kisses me, hard, ramming against my prostate so forcefully that I can only see white. I feel my toes curl and I moan into his mouth. Seiji taking me forcefully like this is - really erotic, and I'm having issues coming up with words. Fuck. I know I'm close to coming now, because how could I not be, when it's Seiji who's on top of me and he's having sex with me like this, with our bodies connected and touching at every possible place? "Seiji, I'm — "_

" — coming!" I wake up to the sound of my own voice and the electricity of orgasm, hot jizz shooting out of my dick and into my boxers before I'm able to realize what I'm doing. It lasts a pretty long time, considering, and I'm panting, sitting up and trying to catch my breath as I take in what just happened. I just had a wet dream for the first time since I was a young teenager. About Seiji having sex with me... 

...I don't want to think about this right now. I have something more important to take care of. Slightly disgusted in myself, I lift up the covers and check myself. Thank god, looks like I was lucky and it stayed in my boxers. I get up before the sensation can get too gross and toss my undies in the hamper. Sighing, I go to the bathroom to wipe myself off, and then I change into a clean pair of underpants. Well, now that that's over with, hopefully it won't happen again. It just happened because I haven't fapped this past week... right? Come to think of it, the thought hasn't really crossed my mind that much. Seiji and I have called each other every night the past few days, and that hasn't left much room to jerk it. And all my thoughts of Seiji... I mean, he's hot, obviously, but I've been thinking about holding him, kissing him, hugging him, comforting him. Telling him that... he's a good friend of mine, because anything else would be scary. Having sex would be nice, too, but I've been pushing it aside. I glare at my dick through my boxers. You stay quiet! I promise you'll get a lot of use when we're ready! 

I realize that I'm cursing my dick and snort to myself. What has my life become if I'm getting pissed off at my own erections. I check the clock on my phone. It's almost five in the morning, on December 29th. Ugh, I have so much stuff to do today. I rub my temples. 

Seiji gave me the name of the restaurant with some prodding, and my jaw dropped when I looked at the prices online. He told me to forget about it, but I don't know if I can. What I do know is that I don't have anything suitable to wear to it - it's a really classy joint, better than anything I've ever been in before. I wonder if the food tastes better than the stuff those bad guys made us... I shake my head. Anyway, I have one suit that I wear for interviews and stuff, but it's not very nice, and I think I'd stick out. I know I'll never be able to look as good as him, or be someone who can look like an equal partner to him, but I should at least try to look respectable. I'm a dumbass, but I'm not _that_ stupid. I know that I'll have to wear something nice if we're going to look like we belong in the restaurant together - hell, if I want to look like I belong in the restaurant at all. I'm probably going to feel really nervous either way, but I want to try. I hate this, but I might have to let Seiji treat me this time. I want to be able to split the difference with him, but... I wasn't expecting to have to buy a suit, either. I don't know if he realized that when making this arrangement. 

Well, it's fine. I probably needed at least one more suit, anyway, if I'm going to be a teacher in a few months. It's probably better that I'm buying it now, because I do have some money saved up, but I shouldn't spend much more than that because I want to have money on hand in case of emergencies. Well, I don't know if I can go through anything worse than I've already been through, really, but it'd be nice to have some sort of safety net. I don't want to go back to the place where I woke up hungry every day and the electricity was shut off. 

I'm still so tired. Sighing, I pull up my blankets and curl underneath them, letting sleep take me for a few hours. I can worry about everything else when I wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

I wake up the morning of the 31st agitated, filled with nervous energy that won't stop bursting at the seams. Seiji couldn't talk to me on the phone last night, probably because he was studying or something. It seemed like he was going to stay up later than me, but... to be honest, I spent a long time staring up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of my heart. I'm really anxious about today. I want tonight to be perfect, even though he invited me to dinner and not the other way around... I just want him to be happy and not regret spending so much money on me. I probably shouldn't worry so much, because he clearly wants to do this for some reason, but... I don't know. 

I sigh, tossing and turning in bed. I don't want to get up yet. The crew at work is thin the next few days, since so many people aren't in the city right now and won't want to go out anyway, so (thank goodness) I managed to get today off. I gotta work tomorrow night, but that's okay. I just want to worry about today and not think about anything else, not have to worry about going to and from work and then to the restaurant that Seiji picked out and... I don't know if we're doing anything afterwards, Seiji said to expect to spend most of the night together but I have no idea what he has in mind. It's funny - he hasn't kept stuff that we're going to do together a secret in a really long time. I think the last time was when we were back in high school and he planned a surprise party for me for my birthday... I touch my lips and latch onto a pillow. Seiji's always been so considerate of me. I wonder what he's got planned. 

The thoughts in my head are so jumbled, as they've been the past few weeks, because even though I'm nervous, I wish that Seiji was in my arms and not a pillow. I want to kiss him, touch him, make him feel like he's the most important man in the world (because he is, at least to me). Almost angrily, I squeeze the pillow so hard that it kind of hurts. Why am I like this? I want to be greedy, I want to accept every kind thing he does for me and repay the favor twice over, I want to hold his hand even when everybody is watching, I want to do all of that and then tell him that I love him. This is the worst. I can't do that, because he's my best friend. It's nice that he is okay with having sex with me, because... honestly, I don't think I want to have sex with anybody else anymore, but this is the downfall of becoming fuckbuddies with a friend. You start to fall for them. Not that it's Seiji's fault that he's so perfect - and it's not his fault that I feel this way, because... maybe I've felt this way for a long time, but only started realizing it when we started hanging out so much again. It's bad. Even a few of my old friends from high school have noticed that I'm acting weird - _You've been hanging out with Azumi a lot and posting about him on Faithbook. It's nice to see you hanging out so much again,_ they tell me, but I can hear the curious implications in their words. I don't know what to tell them - what do they want to hear, that I'm in love with him? 

What even is love, anyway? I sit up and stretch. I don't think I've ever really thought about it that hard... I just assumed I'd know when the time was right when it was a good idea to ask the woman I was dating to marry me. I really liked a few of my ex-girlfriends, a lot, and could have been happier dating them for a longer period of time... but I don't think I was ever extremely broken up over any of those relationships ending. I thought I loved them at the time, I don't know. But I always rushed head-first into relationships... or, uh, maybe dick first, as Seiji reprimanded me for a few times. I slap my forehead. Jeez, I hope I'm not doing that again. Seiji deserves someone who can love and care for him for who he is, make him laugh and be happy and show him how truly special he is, to support him on his path to becoming a great man. Ha, or I guess he's pretty much almost there, isn't he... he's already taken his second round of exams for civil service, and he'll be getting those results back soon. I'm really happy for him, because I know that he did extremely well. He seems unsure himself, but he always tests excellently. 

There was one time back in middle school where I was really far behind on math, back when we first started studying together, and Seiji helped me work through everything, drilling me on problems for hours. I didn't realize it at the time, but he didn't have any time to study for Japanese, which I had already caught up on. The morning of the test, I could see signs that he was nervous - he chewed on his lip and bounced his leg up and down. Of course, he got the highest score in the class. I knew he didn't need to worry, but I thanked him all the same. The relief on his face made me feel relieved, too. 

It felt really good being friends with Seiji back then, I realize. Looking back, he was the only positive influence I had throughout most of school. I think things got a little better during college, but most of my friends weren't good, and I could have easily gotten into trouble if Seiji hadn't been looking out for me, and if I didn't want to hang out with Seiji so much. I stand up, drink some water, and go to take a shower while reflecting on this. I invited him to do stuff at first, mostly, eating together at lunch and goofing off after school, but he started insisting on our study sessions and we'd occasionally go to the arcade or the movies or his house, sometimes for sleepovers, sometimes just for as long as whoever was fostering me at the time would let me stay over. I swallow, turning on the water, letting myself go on auto-pilot as I'm thinking. There were a few times where I really wanted to run away, not just because I could tell that they barely tolerated me, but because I wanted to be with Seiji. I thought about how cool that would be, if we could hang out every night, eat all of our meals together, study together until it was time to go to bed (I didn't even care if Seiji went to bed earlier than I did). And I wanted to study hard so we could go to the same high school together, after a while. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. 

...Shit. My hands stop scrubbing my hair mid-shampoo. I'm a little embarrassed... was it really that long? Man... no wonder why so many girlfriends thought I was fooling around when I thought I was putting everything I had into it. I frown. I kind of wish I was normal and could have treated them right, because I did really want to. My girlfriends were hot, and some of them were decent women, I guess... okay, maybe not if we're talking about wife material. Shaking my head, I finish up in the shower, rinsing myself and turning off the water. Maybe it was for the best. Seiji did say that I had to raise my standards, and I enjoyed having sex with them and I think the feeling was mutual, so maybe that's all that both of us needed to get out of it. I roll my head in circles, stretching before grabbing a towel and drying off. 

I still want to get married and have kids, and that's not something I can do with Seiji. So... eventually I'm probably going to have to settle down with a nice woman, get married, and get her pregnant. I'm 22, so I still have plenty of time to fall in love, but the time is probably coming soon if I want to have a cute wife on the same page as me and still be able to have kids at a reasonable age. I consider, making sure that my thoughts haven't changed despite the past few months. Yep, it's still an appealing idea. There's no woman that I'm interested in right now, but I still love women, and I love being with them. Dating them, joking around with them, romancing them, having sex with them. I love how soft they are, and they smell good, and I like to imagine that, somewhere out there, there's an angel who will care about me as much as I care about her, and we can love and protect each other and make babies together. How can I not smile imagining that? It's a great thought, and it's still something I want, and get a little dreamy imagining. I am realizing though, coming down off that high, that my choices in women before really weren't that great if that's something that I want to do. Eh, the follies of youth? If I get married, however... that means that I will find a woman that I love more than Seiji. The thought makes me excited and sad at the same time and I don't understand why. 

In the mirror, I look confused and a little tired. Maybe I should take a nap and exercise before going to see Seiji tonight. Blow off some steam (and the fog that's clouding my mind) and get rested.

~*~

I am a little amazed that Seiji was able to get a reservation to someplace so fancy on New Year's Eve. First off, most restaurants are closed, and secondly, it's not like the place that he reserved has a lot of seats. I don't think I've ever been to a place even a tenth as fancy as this... it's a well known ritzy restaurant with French inspired food. I fidget with the sleeves of my overcoat as I wait for Seiji at the train station. It's only a few blocks away, but I'm not going to go in without him. I think I look okay, but it's a little intimidating going into a place like that when I have no idea what the etiquette is. I mean, I have a vague idea, but I don't get the whole fancy rich people food thing. It's not that I think that it's _bad_ \- I loved the food that I've eaten that was above me - but I'm not that familiar with it is all. I just hope that if I look out of place, he'll tell me and we can figure something out. I know that there's probably a cancellation fee, but I could always treat him to soba instead if I look awful!

He's here. I see him as he walks out of the gate and I can't help but smile immediately. Shit. He looks really good. He's wearing the same black pea coat as before, but his overall look is different - he's wearing a dark grey suit that perfectly compliments his hair and complexion. Seiji always stands out in the crowd, but he looks absolutely radiant today, his monochrome color scheme drawing a lot of looks from men and women alike. It's just - perfect. I feel a little more self-conscious about what I'm wearing now, but I'm going to try to not show it. I wave at him, because I don't think he sees me. "Azumi-kun, I'm over here!" 

The way Seiji's face lights up when he sees me, making him seem even more like an angel than before, is making my heart pound. "Daichi, I'm glad you're here." He looks me over. "You look good. Have I seen this suit before?" 

"No, I got it a few days ago. I wasn't sure if my other suit would be good enough, so..." 

Seiji frowns just a little. "It probably would have been fine. The dress code is casual elegance, not semi-formal."

"There's a difference?" Seiji shrugs, as if to say _Obviously, but I should have told you._ "Oh well. We match, so it's okay! I needed a new suit, anyway. Can't go teaching every day wearing the same suit!" I'm trying to act casual, but I'm really fucking nervous. I clap an arm around Seiji's shoulders and rub my head against his. "It's fine~."

"Don't do that. You'll tousle your hair." Oh yeah. I forgot that I slicked my hair back today. I never do that, but I thought it would help me look the part of fancy rich guy that I totally am not but I want to help Seiji pretend that I belong in the restaurant with him. 

"Ah, sorry." I pull away and Seiji, instead of frowning at me like I thought he would, looks like he's going to laugh. His hair is a little messed up, so I brush any stray strands of hair back in place before I realize what I'm doing. His eyes widen in slight surprise, and he raises his hand tentatively - only to put it back down after a second, darting his eyes away. I'm a little embarrassed, too, my palms damp from sweat. Probably doesn't help my nerves that I'm hungry. "Anyway, how early do we need to be there? I don't know anything about rich people stuff." 

He puts his hand to his mouth and checks his watch. "We still have about a half hour before we should head over. Would you like to sit somewhere, maybe get coffee?" 

"I'd kind of like to walk," I tell him honestly. I think sitting down would just make me more anxious, especially because we'll probably be sitting down for a few hours at the restaurant at least. "Need to work up an appetite!" 

Seiji's eyes crinkle. "I've never seen you not hungry, especially when steak is involved." 

"You're right, but I might not eat food this good ever again so I want to make sure that I really enjoy it." 

"Hmm..." Seiji looks like he wants to say something, but he changes his mind at the last minute. "Was there anything nearby that you want to see?" 

_You,_ the voice in my head says, but I calm it down. "Not really. I just thought it'd be nice to walk around." 

He nods. "Alright. Lead the way. I'll let you know if we're getting too far away from the hotel." 

The city feels emptier than normal, with most people gone back to their hometowns, but this is my hometown. Seiji's, too. Maybe it doesn't have the same feeling of "home" like other, smaller towns do, but I wouldn't take it any other way. I really like it here, and I hope that I can find a job around here, too. I want to stay as close to Seiji as long as I can, before we both get married and have kids, and I know that if he becomes a civil servant, then he's definitely going to be staying around here for at least a while. Let me enjoy this while it lasts, before our friendship trickles between our fingers and turns into something less intimate. Seiji will always be the most important person to me, but it's okay if I am not his anymore. 

There are more tourists than usual, or maybe it just seems that way because of the holiday. A couple that's slightly older than us huddles together over their smartphone in the street, looking very confused. I stop walking. "Hmm... do you think we should help them?" By that I mean _Do you think you can help them, because my spoken English is extremely goofy?_ and Seiji knows it. 

Seiji nods and we walk over. I definitely get lost as they talk (Seiji knows much more vocabulary than was ever taught in school...! So cool,) but I understand the gist of the conversation. "Daichi, what stop is the aquarium at again?" 

"They got off at the wrong stop?" He nods. "Hmm... I think they got off two stops too early? That's a bummer." Seiji translates for me and explains, showing the girl on her phone what stop they need to go to. She frets anxiously, and he explains a few more things, attempting to make it more clear. The boyfriend folds his arms and leans in, listening closely. She finally calms down and they both smile at us. "Thanks very much," the boyfriend says, giving a small bow. I nod, and we part ways. I hope their date goes okay tonight.

"You didn't need to do that," Seiji says. It's a surprisingly neutral statement. 

"I wanted to. They looked confused. Sorry for dragging you into it." 

He folds his arms. I don't think he's judging me, but I know I'm about to get reprimanded. "It can be dangerous engaging with people when you don't know what their intentions are. You should be more careful." Seiji looks down and checks his watch. "We should probably get going back to the hotel." 

I think about how firm and steady his hand felt that first summer as I follow his lead. "Then why did you help me?" 

A shrug, not even bothering to turn around. "They were probably harmless. It would be a shame if their date was ruined." 

"That's not what I meant." He stops and spins on his heel. Seiji clearly doesn't understand what I mean, so I clarify. "At the convenience store." He raises his eyebrows, at a loss for words. "I'm just saying... yeah, it's good to be careful, but people aren't as bad as you think they are, sometimes." 

Closing his eyes, Seiji puffs out his cheeks before sighing. "It's amazing that you can think that." It isn't at all. I think I'd go crazy if I thought that everybody I met was evil. Maybe it sets me up for trouble a lot of the time, but I don't think I could function if I was constantly looking over my shoulder for bad guys. I do that enough anyway after Okinawa - I can't start suspecting normal looking people. The bad guys probably are normal looking people too, I guess, now that I'm thinking about it, but in my head, they are these big bulky men in black suits, so that's the way they'll stay. 

I'm not going to say all of that out loud. "Not really. I trusted you, so I want to return the favor." The face Seiji makes is complex, and before I can completely read it, he pulls his fancy scarf up over his mouth and the tip of his nose. I snort. It doesn't really suit him to act so childishly when he looks so put-together otherwise. "You're the amazing one. You were able to help them out when I don't think I could have, even though I wanted to." 

"I probably wouldn't have gone over there if you hadn't nudged me." 

I smile warmly at him. "Then I'm glad that we're a team." Shit, did I just do that? I immediately regret it, and start scrambling for words to amend or take back what I just said, before I see from the look in his eyes that Seiji is probably smiling just as widely as I just was. 

"Me too." He looks around, and when he's confident that there's nobody looking, he grasps onto my hand and squeezes it. I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate, but in a good way. I squeeze his hand back and close my eyes, trying to center myself. Holding hands turns into a hug before I realize it, and I hold Seiji tight, leaning hard against his shoulder. I feel his breath on my ear, tickling a few loose strands of hair, and his hands rub my back. I love this. We shouldn't be doing this in public, but I love this. I would probably love it more if we kissed, but that's really something we shouldn't do in public. With a shaky sigh, he pulls away from me. His eyes are a little wet, but he doesn't look particularly sad. I'll let it go so I don't embarrass him, but I'm going to make sure that I keep an eye on him tonight. "Let's get going." 

"Yeah." I follow behind him for the rest of the walk, slowing my pace to a few steps behind him as we enter the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last chapter I post for the year because of the holidays - I could sneak in one more but I wouldn't count on a new update until the first or second. Fret not though! I have something festive planned in celebration the New Year, so keep your eyes peeled on the 26th for a new miniseries. I have half of it written already so hopefully all goes well (crosses fingers)
> 
> Thank you all for reading, it means so much to me that you guys are keeping up with this, truly.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, sorry again about the wait, hopefully the length makes up for it. Regular schedule should resume after this update. I'm sorry if I fucked up any details about restaurant etiquette in Japan, I'm mostly going off of what I know from North American/western European stuff so please correct me and I'll fix things if needed! Sorry if there are more errors than usual this chapter, I kind of got overwhelmed by the length and just wanted to post it so I'll fix syntax mistakes and polish later this week.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for the 200 hits!! Wow, it snuck up on me, but it means a lot to me that y'all are reading.

Seiji wipes his feet and dusts himself off after he walks through the spinning doors. Monkey see, monkey do, so I try to copy him as best I can, rubbing the soles of my shoes against the welcome mat. He unbuttons his coat and unravels his scarf, I unbutton mine. I can see his suit a little more clearly now, and, jeez... it fits him really well, and he looks amazing. I thought he'd go for something a little more classic, but he's wearing a black shirt as opposed to the traditional white, and his tie is silver with thin stripes of black and white going through it. Wow. He looks really sharp. My palms are clammy from nerves and from looking at him, and Seiji turns to me, quickly sizing me up. "Hold on, your tie is a little crooked." He's not directly touching my skin, but I can tell that his hands are cold as he tightens my tie just a little (not enough to constrict my breathing or hurt my neck) and lays it flat against the buttons of my shirt. "There. You look more tidy, now." 

I'm trying to not get too flustered, especially before dinner. "Need to look my best, huh?" 

"Yes." He smiles. "You did a good job. You look quite put-together." 

I feel happy! "Ahh, I'm glad! I thought about wearing a red tie or something, but... I wanted to blend in, I guess." I smirk. "I saw a red suit in the store and thought 'Oh man, that is definitely my style! But Seiji would probably frown and think I'm a weirdo!' I mean, I love the color red... so, I tried it on anyway. Maybe you saw the pic I took wearing it that I posted on Faithbook? It was all shiny and made out of this squeaky material, I felt so awesome wearing it. It didn't really look good on me though, and I figured I can't go wrong with a black suit with a black tie, so, here I am!" I laugh self-consciously, realizing that I can't stop talking even though I want to, and, judging by the expression on Seiji's face, that I interrupted his train of thought. I feel bad, because it looks like that thought is going to remain in Seiji's heart, too. I wish I knew what he was going to say. "So, what do you think? What would you have said if I had come to the restaurant wearing a red suit?"

Seiji shakes his head, eyebrows upturned. "You would have definitely stood out then." 

I don't get high fashion, but I know that it'd look garish if I did that. "Can't upstage you!" Seiji looks embarrassed for a split second, his shoulders hunching forward slightly, so I try to fix it. "Ah, I mean that you look really good and it'd be a shame if my ugly mug was dressed more flashy than you." 

He sighs. "A red suit would not be a good fashion statement, and you aren't ugly at all." After all the breath leaves his lungs, his expression softens just slightly. "However, if someone was to pull of something like that, it would be you. You have the confidence for it. It's good that you didn't wear it, but I'd like to see you in something like that, someday." I almost forgot that he was extremely close to me, but he takes a step back and looks me over again. "You're very handsome. Especially tonight." 

...Shit. Who needs a red suit or accessories when you can just blush like an idiot instead? My face and neck feel tingly. "Nah, don't be silly, Seiji." What does that mean...? My mind is racing. What does he mean, I'm handsome tonight? I cough, trying anything to help both of us ignore how hard my heart is beating. "So, uh. Where do we go to check in?" 

Seiji's eyes start scanning the hotel lobby. "The restaurant is upstairs. I called ahead to remind them of our reservation, and they gave me more detailed instructions on how to get there." He gestures with his head to a corner of the room. "Let's take the elevator. It's pretty far up." 

"Okay." I trail behind Seiji just by one or two steps, uncertain, because this isn't my domain. Seiji feels like he's the one in control tonight, which is... weird, but nice. Normally, we plan what we're doing together, and split stuff evenly. Seiji really seemed like he wanted to make the plans and take over everything, so I let him. I don't think I've ever hung out with someone like this, come to think of it... I usually footed the bill and made plans where to go with my girlfriends, and my friends and I all try to come to a consensus together, sharing responsibility of where to go and what to do and we all paid for our own food. Even on birthdays and stuff, I would always pay my own way. The only exception was that one birthday I had in middle school, where Seiji took me out someplace that was not this nice but still pretty nice... but I was so bothered that I couldn't pay him back that I told him to not do that again. Maybe I can sneak Seiji something, at least, even if I can't pay for the full cost of the meal... I fully admit that this is a bit over my head, but I'm kind of excited too. As the doors to the elevator close, Seiji becomes a little more openly nervous, straightening out all of his clothing again and refusing to look at me. I try to not look at him, either, but it's hard when we're the only two people in it. The elevator doesn't even jerk as it starts moving upward, gliding with ease, despite the rapid ascent. "So, um..." Seiji's eyes widen and he flicks his gaze over to me in the middle of him tugging at his sleeves, making sure that his overcoat, suit, and shirt sleeves are all perfectly aligned. "What are you going to eat? I saw that there wasn't a lot of vegetarian food on the menu." 

His eyebrows knit together as he frowns. "I thought I told you to not worry about the menu and pricing so much." 

"Yeah, but I wanted to see what you would want to eat, and it didn't look like there was much..." 

"Don't worry. I called ahead about that, too." He stares at the door, as if anxiously awaiting its opening. "Daichi, please don't be nervous. I will take care of everything tonight." 

I know he's trying to be nice, but I can't help but make a face. Plus, isn't he more nervous than I am? Jeez. "You really don't need to, I'm okay with paying for my own food!" I am, and I think I have enough money to pay for tonight if I'm extremely careful with my meals for the rest of the the week, so I don't know why Seiji is so insistent on this. 

Seiji shakes his head. "Taken care of already." 

"Huh??" 

"Don't worry about it." The door opens, to Seiji's immediate relief. "Come on, let's go." 

"Um... okay." He steps out of the elevator and I follow, confused, but... I guess Seiji will explain later? 

We walk down the hallway in silence. There aren't any people, and it's very quiet. It feels extremely different than going out to the izakaya, with the hum of people talking behind us at all times, in the streets and in the pub itself. Right now, it's only Seiji and me. Nobody else, not even hotel staff walking around. I feel increasingly insecure. Seiji stops, turning back to look at me, and I freeze in place, wondering if something is wrong. Instinctively, I look him over, trying to find any clues as to why. He crosses his arms and looks slightly to the side. "Is something wrong?" he asks me. 

I blink. "No. Why?" 

He fidgets with his undone scarf. "You seem anxious." 

"You more than me," I can't help but laugh. With a frown, he looks back at me. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell that he's unhappy about that. Let's try to make him feel a little better. "You don't have to be so scared. It makes me even more nervous about eating fancy rich people food if you, a guy who eats fancy rich people food all the time, is anxious about it." I raise an eyebrow. "Are they going to bite our heads off or something in there if I pick up the wrong fork? I kind of liked having mine..."

Finally, Seiji smiles. Okay. Good. "No, it's fine. I'm not anxious about that. You'll fit right in, I promise." 

"Hmm..." What's he nervous about then? He looks the part, he knows the part, he should have no problems... he said everything was taken care of...

I don't have time to think about it. "It's right around this corner. Let's go." Nodding, I trail behind him. 

Before I can even take a good look around, a guy maybe a few years older than I walks up to me. "Your coat?" I blink, completely dumbfounded, and look over at Seiji to see him taking off his coat and scarf. Oh, I guess this is a coat check, or something. I take off my coat and give it to the man in front of me, as does Seiji. He nods and disappears into a room in the corner without any further conflict, giving me the opportunity to look around. The first thing that I notice in the slightly dimmed light is that the restaurant is fairly small, with only ten tables. Most of them looks like they're only suited for two people, too. Wow... I guess this isn't a place meant for a big social gathering or work meeting, huh. The tables are, for the most part, occupied - and, while there are three women who are eating together, and what appears to be a father and son just because they look so much alike... it's mostly couples here tonight. I feel myself start sweating. Huh, I guess we're the only... guy friends hanging out together? I hope that doesn't make us stick out. I guess I'm dressed the part, though, or at least I could have done worse - I see a few guys that are wearing a blazer and slacks instead of suits, and one or two aren't wearing ties. Not that anybody's really looking at us aside from one of the wait staff, but... I don't know, I just want to sit down and have a drink so I can relax and enjoy myself. 

The waitress smiles at us without a hint of judgement, which makes me feel a little better. Having a cute girl smile at you always makes you feel better. "Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you for choosing our establishment tonight. Do you have a reservation?" 

"Yes, Azumi for two. I talked to the owner ahead of time about special accommodations." 

Eh...? She nods. "Yes, of course. Welcome. Come this way." Without any fanfare, she leads us to a table in the corner, by the window. She places down our menus and bows slightly. "I hope you enjoy this evening. I will be over with water shortly, if you wish to place a drink order then." Seiji nods back at her in understanding, and she smiles and walks elegantly into the kitchen. 

Curiously, I look down at the menu... and frown. "Seiji, where's the food? I only see alcohol on here... did you get a food menu?" At that, all the labels are in... I think French, so I'm pretty sure I'd butcher the pronunciation if I tried ordering anything. 

He shakes his head. "No, I ordered the food in advance. They prepared a special menu for us in advance after I told them about my diet. I promise you will like what I ordered for you." 

I don't know why, but I feel flustered. "Ahh, you really didn't need to do that! I would have been happy eating an entree and maybe a dessert, or something..." 

Seiji laughs, quiet, good-natured. "This is special, Daichi. Please don't worry." He looks over his own alcohol menu, tilting his head. "Was there anything you were thinking about tonight? You will mostly be having red meat tonight, although there are a few vegetable sides as well." 

"Mmm, I mostly drink cocktails," I tell him honestly. "I don't know a lot about wine and stuff. What do you think?" 

He considers. "I was going to get champagne for myself, as it compliments my meal, and you are welcome to some as well because it does fit both of our appetizers... but red wine most likely suits your meal better." 

"Hmm." Seiji, drinking? I wasn't expecting that. I thought he'd just stick to water, or something... I didn't think a place like this would exactly be selling orange juice or iced tea with a fancy dinner, but I didn't consider the fact that Seiji might be drinking with me. This night just keeps getting more interesting. "How about we share the champagne, then? I can drink it slowly so you don't have to get me anything else, okay?" 

Seiji purses his lips, looking at me for a moment, and then looks down at the menu, running his finger over some options. "We will start with that, then." I sigh. That sounds like we're going to be having more than one bottle. Can Seiji really handle that? "The point of wine is to compliment the flavors of the food that you are eating. This is going to be a long dinner, so it's completely fine to have more than one bottle." 

"Don't overdo it," I remind him. "I don't want you to feel like you have to keep up with me." 

His smile is soft as he closes his menu. "I know that I won't. It's okay, Daichi. We can take our time." Before I can formulate a response, the waitress comes back over with empty glasses and fills them up with ice water from a pitcher. Expectantly, she looks at me, then at Seiji. Seiji opens up the menu again and says something in French to her. Woah. He sounds so cool and elegant, especially when he's dressed up like this, like some fancy aristocrat come to sweep someone of their feet. "This is for both of us," he clarifies, even before she turns to look at me again. 

"Absolutely, sir. Your first course and champagne will be out shortly." After a moment, I realize that I have no idea what champagne he picked... crap, I hope it wasn't one of the more expensive ones. They're more than what I make in a week sometimes... 

"So, um." Seiji unfolds his napkin and places it neatly on his lap, peeking up at me as I nervously stammer out what I'm about to say. "You said the meal was long... how long, exactly?" 

"There are seven courses." I wasn't really expecting that - I was just expecting to get maybe two, honestly. I guess Seiji really did want to make this special, for some reason... "It's hardly unusual. I made sure you're getting steak, so don't worry." 

"That's a lot of food." He shrugs in response and stares at the beads of sweat trickling down his water. I'd be lying if I said that my stomach wasn't grumbling... and I did smell steak coming from another table. It smelled delicious, and I think I'll be excited to eat once I see the food in front of me, but... something else is bugging me. I just am realizing, now that there's nothing left for me to do, what the ambiance of the restaurant feels like. I think I was trying to ignore it earlier, but... there's definitely a mood. Or maybe it's just me. But regardless, there's something unspoken between Seiji and I, something that neither of us are addressing directly. There are candles at every table, and flowers, and the dim light illuminates his handsome face, making his fluffy hair shine slightly. He looks glossy, like a movie star in a magazine. I keep wanting to look away, but I can't. I feel like I think this way too often, but I really don't think I've ever seen him look so stunning - his clothes fit really well, he looks extremely put together, and he is in an elegant restaurant, speaking French, and he smelled really good when we hugged earlier. What was he thinking, taking his fuckbuddy to a place like this. He should be taking somebody he really cares about to something this ritzy, somebody who he would be proud to take home with him. There are butterflies in my stomach, and they seem to flutter more forcefully whenever I look over at Seiji, his legs crossed as he delicately picks up his glass of water and takes a sip. As he puts his glass down, he glances at me over his glasses, making direct eye contact. Oh, shit. I was staring. I look away, out the window, embarrassed. The skyline is beautiful tonight, the clear air hiding none of the bright lights of the city. 

I'm so lost in thought that I startle when the waitress puts a dish in front of me. She was so quiet that I didn't hear her coming. A waiter carries over a bucket of ice with champagne in it. He shows the label to Seiji, making sure any water stays inside of the bucket, and he says "Yes, that's correct" in confirmation. With that, the waiter pops the bottle and pours a little in Seiji's glass. He sniffs it, swirls it around, and takes a sip, before nodding to the waiter, who nods in return and steps back. "Please enjoy, gentlemen," she says while smiling, and she and her coworker head back to take care of other patrons. 

On my plate is crab sitting atop some pasta, and there's some sort of weird condiment that I don't really know what it could be drizzled on it. The portion isn't big, although I guess that's to be expected, considering there's a lot of food. Seiji got some Brussels sprouts for himself; I don't know if I'm a huge fan, but they don't look bad from over here. I'm kind of hungry and I'm eager to do something to relieve this tension, so I pick up my fork and get ready to start eating - "Daichi." - before I realize that Seiji is looking at me with his glass raised, head cocked to the side, giving me a slight, but distinct, crooked smile. "A toast." 

Returning the smile as confidently as I can, I put down my fork and raise my own glass. "To you, for taking me out to a place like this. It feels really special." 

Seiji shakes his head. "No... to us, for the year going forward. To our future as adults, and to you finally realizing your dream." I don't know if I'm imagining it, but it looks like his eyes are sparkling. "That's what's really special." Oh man. Don't do this before dinner, Seiji. 

I don't want him to say anything that would make my heart beat any faster than it is now, so I decide to accept it, clinking my glass against his. "Cheers." 

"Cheers." He sips slowly, but deeply, on the champagne, and I follow suit. It liquid bubbles against my heart as it goes down, the familiar taste of alcohol mixing with a more unfamiliar flavor... I've never had champagne before, but it tastes like dry grape juice, kind of. It's not awful. I don't know if I'd drink it on a daily basis, but it's definitely not bad. Seiji doesn't look disgusted, either, but I should keep an eye on him. I don't want him to get too drunk... the last time I saw him drunk, we were still both in high school, and that was a pretty bad experience for him, so he decided he wouldn't drink very much from then on. Ugh. Can't say I blame him, because both of us discovered that beer is nasty that night. Before I'm able to pick up my silverware, Seiji interrupts. "Use your silverware from the outside in, if you're trying to make a good impression." 

"Hey...!" There's a slightly... competitive (I think) glint in his eyes, but that wasn't an order, nor was it mean, exactly. 

He cuts one of his Brussels sprouts in half and stabs it with his fork. "I know that I have more experience in this realm, so I wanted to even the playing field. You can look very refined, too, if you try." 

"I never said that I was trying to be." 

He nods. "That is true. You didn't say it." He takes a bite, chewing slowly, while raising an eyebrow. I pout. Jeez, Seiji... I decide to take his advice, even if he is being kind of a butt. 

I take a bite of the crab in front of me. "Wow..." I say with my mouth full, forgetting where I am. It's really good! The crab is flaky and buttery, and the pasta is really good, too... the sauce is kind of creamy but it has this tang to it, maybe some kind of citrus? Well, whatever it is, it's delicious, and the flavor is complex, but... it's clean, it doesn't feel muddled at all. I really like it. 

"Don't talk with food in your mouth," Seiji says quietly, about twenty seconds delayed, as he wipes the corners of his mouth. I guess it'd be hypocritical if he didn't follow his own advice, huh. "Do you like it?" Taking another bite, I nod enthusiastically, and I think Seiji's smile is warming me more than the food or the alcohol ever could. "I'm glad." 

Swallowing and putting my fork down for a minute, I ask, "Did you pick out everything?" 

Seiji shakes his head. "No, only a few ingredients and some other requests. Some chefs will make a special meal for you if you request it far enough in advance and are willing to give them compensation." 

I raise my eyebrows. "Uh, you didn't pay a ridiculous amount extra for that, did you?" The look that Seiji gives me I think is intentionally ambiguous, but I decide that I should finish eating before the next course comes, or my food gets cold. Wait... There's another question, that actually might be more important. "How long have you been planning this?" This actually might be the best meal of my life, if the rest of the food is this good. 

To my chagrin, Seiji doesn't answer me right away, at least not with words. Instead, he looks out the window, thinking and swirling the glass in his hand, before taking another sip of his champagne. Well. Okay. I take a sip myself, smaller than his, but I should try to keep roughly at pace with him. I don't get drunk nearly as fast, so it should be alright. Outside, the winter night is beautiful, even if it is cold. That said, I'm glad to be inside with Seiji, enjoying this delicious food with him. I feel warm. I feel safe, even if I'm a little anxious. As I start to grow more comfortable with the silence between us, Seiji says something. "Two months." 

It takes me a minute to realize that it was a severely delayed reaction. Questioningly, I turn my eyes back over to Seiji, who is looking a little pink after finishing most of his glass. His plate is empty, too. His eyes are still fixed out the window, looking beyond the skyline, beyond the horizon, at something that I can't see. I wish I could see it with him, see the thing that maybe only exists in our dreams. Something that can never be, but something he yearns for as much as I do. Ah, shit. Maybe the alcohol is making me sentimental. "That's a long time," I say, and I don't think I could hold back my wistful expression if I tried. 

Seiji chuckles very quietly, so quietly that I can barely hear, and slowly turns back to me. "Maybe." The waitress takes our plates and puts down the next round, a soup that we both are eating. "Thank you," Seiji says, not looking away from me for an instant. I ignore it for a minute and stare at Seiji instead. He's staring back at me, his hands folded underneath his chin with a lazy, catlike smile on his face. Screw the food. I'll let it go cold if I can get to look at Seiji more, the way his hair is falling on his face, the glint of the candlelight off his glasses, his beautiful fingers resting underneath his chin. As his eyelids flutter shut, I catch a glimpse of his mouth, lips closed and curled upwards slightly. I want to kiss it, but that's - really dumb, especially right now, so I turn away out of embarrassment. He notices, and sighs softly. "Come on, or the soup will get cold." 

"Mmm." I nod, and take a small spoonful into my mouth. It's... kind of sweet, but savory, too. It's good. I don't taste any meat in it, so that must be why we're having the same thing. "What is it?" 

"It's a cauliflower bisque. I believe it has coconut milk and allspice in it as well... I am unsure of all the ingredients, but it's pleasant, isn't it?" I nod and finish my bowl in another dozen or so bites. Seiji is taking his time, sniffing it carefully and taking graceful spoonfuls into his mouth, not spilling a drop. I have to look away, staring at my empty bowl, trying to scrape up any stray drops with my spoon as quietly as I can, because I don't want to draw unwanted attention to our table by being loud and causing a scene. It'd be embarrassing if I stared at him more, because I've already looked at him way too much, even if we are fucking. Kind of fucking. He laughs. "Daichi." I peek back, just with my eyes. "It's okay." 

"I thought you just said it was pleasant... is that just 'okay' now?" Nervously, I take a sip of my champagne. Glass is half empty. I don't even really feel buzzed yet, but Seiji's acting a little funny. I know I'm probably being a little obtuse on purpose, but I don't want Seiji to embarrass himself. I'm already embarrassing enough tonight. 

"You know that's not what I meant." Both of our bowls are clean. His fingers trace the rim of his glass and he tilts his head. "You're the only one truly paying attention to me, right now, and I to you. You don't need to worry." 

I can feel my face heat up as I say, "You're not exactly making me feel better." 

He purses his lips, leaning his elbow against the table and resting his face against his palm. Is this proper table manners at a fancy restaurant? It doesn't seem like it, but when I glance around, nobody is staring at us, and nobody is calling the fancy-manners-police, so I guess it's okay. "We've been friends for ten years. What is left to be self-conscious about?" 

I'm about to answer, but I see the waitress come out of the kitchen. "Seiji, elbow." I have to remind him, just in case. I don't want anything bad to happen. 

It takes a few seconds for him to register what I said, but when he does, he sits up almost comically straight, just in time for the waitress to take our bowls and put down something new for each of us. "Is everything to your expectations tonight, gentlemen?" Her smile is serene, but it's one that I'm familiar with making. I hope that Seiji tips her well - it can't be fun working on a night like this, even though it doesn't seem like anybody in the restaurant is being a dick. 

"Yes, thank you," I answer before Seiji can. "Everything is delicious." 

Seiji doesn't need to answer with words. His smile is enough. Nobody is looking at him except for the waitress or me, but I'm pretty sure that anybody would be stricken breathless. "Thank you," she says. "Please let me know if there is anything you need." She seems unaffected, but her heart must be pounding underneath her skin, right? Right? It's not just me? Seiji is really handsome and I'm not going crazy? ...She turns around and doesn't seem to have a major reaction beyond being glad that we are enjoying ourselves. Oh my God. Am I actually going crazy? She didn't stare at Seiji the way I am, the way I've seen lots of other girls stare at Seiji. Fuck. Did I just admit that I'm staring at Seiji like girls do? Stop being such a hot mess, Daichi! Ugh. Moments like that make me remember that maybe half of this is in my head and not in the land of reality, even though I wish it was real. 

Where's the other half? 

Seiji is already eating. He has some sort of risotto... I think, made from wild rice, with mushrooms and a small green salad on the side. My plate has some sort of roasted fish on it... I think it's cod, although I get my fish mixed up sometimes. There's some broccoli too. I take a bite and chew. Man... how is it that every bite that I have seems better than the last one?! It's delicate, but there's substance to it, too. Kind of hard to describe, but I feel both nourished and excited by this food. "This is really good," I say after swallowing. "Do you want a bite?" 

I was teasing, but Seiji raises an eyebrow. "Maybe. Is it that good?" 

Okay, well, guess I can't back out if it. I nod, grinning triumphantly, and cut him off a piece and stab it with my fork. "Come on, try it!" 

To my surprise, Seiji shrugs and takes my fork, putting the morsel in his mouth. Seiji has never willingly eaten meat in front of me before if there was a vegetable option to be had, and he went out of his way to make sure that he had an all vegetarian diet tonight. Now I feel kind of bad for ruining it. Just for a moment, though, because Seiji smiles at me as he hands back the fork. "It is very good. The chef did a great job tonight, didn't he?" 

"Yeah, but he wouldn't have made stuff like this if you hadn't picked out the menu... two months in advance." I don't think I can let Seiji live that one down. 

Seiji looks off to the side shyly, wiping a grain of rice from his mouth. "I just guessed at what you would like. It's nothing special." Oh, come on Seiji. We both know better than that. 

...On the other hand, that kind of confirms something I'd been suspecting, but am a little bewildered by. "You had been wanting to take me here for two months...? Me in particular." Seiji stares into his rice as he shovels it into his face, not chewing as thoroughly as he usually does. "You weren't going to invite a girl who you were talking to and then just used me as a backup, or was that really what happened? Honestly, I'd be kind of happy if you were talking to a girl, because you deserve someone who will be able to stand by your side for the rest of your life." I say that, but I know that even as I'm smiling, there's a hint of sadness, too. Something about alcohol loosens the grasp on my true feelings, I guess.

"I chose you," Seiji tells me. That's all he says, and the look on his face shows that he thought it as obvious, and that of course he wasn't going to invite a girl, that it had to be me, that it was always going to _be_ me. I don't get it, but it'd be a lie if I said that it made me completely unhappy. I'm just worried about him, I guess. We can do this for as long as he needs, but there's going to come a day where he can't use me as his plaything anymore, when he becomes a real self-sufficient adult and is living on his own and has a job. He's going to need someone who can be with him... well, maybe he's gay, I keep forgetting about that. Keep forgetting about the images I saw on his computer. Maybe he'd just need a guy as handsome as him by his side who is able to support his dream and vision, whatever he decides it's going to be, then. It'd be kind of cool if he also worked in civl service, so they would be able to talk about it all the time. I wonder what a boyfriend of his would look like. It was always easy for me to picture a girl by his side, because so many good-looking girls wanted to date him, but a guy... hm. Maybe it's because I haven't ever seen him hanging around guys except for his brother and me much that it's hard for me to imagine. In due time. When he wants to tell me, if he wants to tell me. 

_I hope he tells me._ The voice in my heart is small, but loud enough to make me blush a little. "You don't need to take me out places like this to prove that we're friends. I do appreciate it, but..." 

"I did it because I wanted to." Seiji echoes words that keep me up at night, but not in painful ways - in ways that make me wonder, think too hard, make my heart flutter and ache in excitement. I'm pretty sure it was intentional, because Seiji narrows his eyes and makes direct eye contact while taking a sip of his champagne, finishing his glass. 

I don't understand this game. Is this some sort of weird fancy dining ritual, trying to make the other person as turned on and/or uncomfortable as possible until they break? Seiji had told me in the past that going out to formal dinners with his father made him want to die, but I didn't imagine it was anywhere near this bad. (And good. But I don't get this part.) I take a sip too. I'm not quite done, but almost. Before I realize it, the waitress is over. I'm not exactly sure how Seiji got her attention, but man, that as fast. "Is there anything I can help you with, sir?" 

"Yes. The fourth course is coming out soon, right?"

"Right. It is almost ready, sorry if this is a problem."

He shakes his head. "Not at all. I realize that a red might suit my friend's meal a little better. Do you have any recommendations?" 

The waitress gets excited, as if it's her calling. "Yes!" She turns to me. "I know what the rest of your meal is, and I have an idea about what would go best with it. Perhaps - "

She rattles off about five different suggestions, but I'm completely lost. I just know red versus white... barely... help. She appears to understand my confusion, and Seiji sighs softly. "Um, I'm sorry, I don't really get wine," I tell her. "I'm fine with whatever you think is best?" 

She looks a bit ashamed that she let herself get carried away, although she's trying to hide it. "Of course, that is not an issue. I believe that ... would be acceptable. Do you agree?" 

Searching, she looks at Seiji, who nods. "A half-bottle, thank you." Before she leaves, she fills his glass with more champagne. Alright. I guess I better finish this off then. I take one last sip and put down my glass. 

Now that we're alone, I can look at Seiji a little more clearly again. Okay... he probably shouldn't have more than what's in his glass, maybe one more of the meal drags out for a while, at absolute most, but he seems mostly okay still. I should still watch out. "What are we going to do after dinner tonight?" I ask out of nowhere. It's something I've been wondering, and something that Seiji has refused to tell me, but... we're only a few hours from the new year, so he has to tell me sooner than later, right? 

He shakes his head, as if reading my thoughts. "You can wait another couple of hours. Please enjoy what we're eating right now." I'm about to point out that neither of us are eating, but the waitress comes back with the waiter, carrying my wine and a spare glass. The same ritual as before is carried out, Seiji testing for me (probably because everybody knows that I'd have no idea what I'd be doing), and nodding when he seems satisfied. The dish in front of me isn't steak yet... but that's just making me more excited for when the steak actually comes. It's roasted duck with mustard greens and mandarin orange. I can actually tell what it is, for once, but that just makes me more pumped up to put it in my mouth. Seiji is still looking over his dish, which appears to be one leafy green (kale?) done four different ways, as I start digging in. "Don't forget your wine," Seiji reminds me. Oh, yeah. I look around for a glass, but... there must have been a misunderstanding. The only glass on the table with red wine in it is the one that Seiji drank from. I inwardly cringe at myself. Daichi, you just gave Seiji a mouthful of fish using your fork a few minutes ago. Technically, you've already swapped saliva tonight. Way to go. I was trying to avoid that, but I guess I forgot in the heat of the moment. Oh well. It's done, so might as well go all out, right? 

After I swallow the first bite of duck, I chase it down with some of the wine. This wine is heavier, but it still some fruity flavor. Black currant? It's more complex, though. I almost want to say it's vanilla-y. Can wine taste that way? I guess maybe it can. It's not bad. Anyway, it really brings out some of the more subtle flavors of the duck, cutting through the fattiness of the dark meat, and makes everything taste much richer. "This food is really amazing! I don't think I've had duck cooked like this before." 

"You probably haven't. I'm... very glad that you seem to be enjoying yourself." Seiji looks a little bit relieved. I guess I have been keeping more quiet than usual, now that I think about it... but I really, really don't want to fuck this up. 

Maybe I should express my gratitude more. "You don't need to worry so much, Seiji. You fit right in here and you know all the right things to do and say... how could I have a bad time? You're doing a really good job making me feel cared for. I feel really lucky, being here with you." Shit. Did I say too much? I take a drink and stare into my wineglass before looking up at him again. "Thank you." 

He shakes his head. "Thank you for coming. It would have been sad eating out alone tonight." 

"Mm...?" I think Seiji regrets saying that. "You wouldn't have eaten out alone, I'm sure you could've found someone to go with you. I mean, a handsome guy like you, alone on New Year's Eve? That's just not right." 

Seiji bites his lip and looks out the window. "What would you have done tonight, if I hadn't invited you out?" 

"Hmm..." Seiji's embarrassed, but I'm also embarrassed. "Probably ask you to do something with me." 

Some anxiousness melts off of him. "That so." Carefully, he picks up his fork. "Then I wouldn't have eaten out alone." He starts eating his veggies again, and I realize that I should probably eat my duck before it gets cold. It's hard for me to decide whether I should look at my food or look at my best friend, as I'm taking bites and chewing slowly, trying to savor everything. I'm paying more attention to how he's eating, making sure every piece of greens that he puts on his fork is perfectly bite-sized and lifting his fork elegantly to his mouth, more than I am. I try to copy him. I don't know how well it's working, but Seiji picks up on it. With a slightly challenging smile, he exaggerates his movements, making it more easy for me to copy him. I pout, but follow his lead. Towards the end, I'm swooping my arm up and down every time I take a bite, and Seiji laughs, quiet but real because I see tears forming at the corners of his eyes. I'm glad my dumb ass can make him laugh. It makes me feel really good. It might be the alcohol, but he probably wouldn't have hated it if he was sober, either... I think.

"It's interesting seeing you like this." I lean forward. "Both in your natural habitat, and a little tipsy." 

"I'd hardly call this my natural habitat." Seiji shifts a little in his seat and presses down his cuticles without even looking at them. "I understand the etiquette, but it always feels a little strange. Perhaps not as strange as it feels for you, but it's much more comfortable going out to the izakaya or eating in." 

"It's kinda like a whole new world, huh..." 

Seiji shrugs. "A little, although the rules are easier to figure out than if we were actually on-board an alien spaceship." 

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" 

A snort. "Sometimes. I would have preferred that more when I was a teenager and not on as good terms with my father." 

Something comes floating up to the top of my head. "That reminds me... you seem to be getting along pretty well with your father, these days." 

"That's right." Seiji finishes eating and directs his attention fully to me. 

"Well... I know you didn't like to talk about him a lot when we were in school together, and you said that you picked up smoking because you were rebelling against him?" He closes his eyes and nods. "Why? That seems a little extreme, especially for you... honestly, I thought you were smoking because you liked it." 

Seiji takes a sip of champagne. "It was a misunderstanding, and I believe we have worked everything. He did not like something that I was doing at the time, and I wanted to make clear that it was none of his business." Huh. Kind of ballsy. I don't think I would have ever stood up to my parents like that. He frowns into his glass. "Of course, he did stop me from continuing down that path when I was in school, so that was another contributing factor for smoking." With a raised eyebrow, he adds, "And it had to be smoking. You remember how my stint with underage drinking went." 

I can't help but laugh. "I'm kind of surprised you're drinking tonight." 

"You can't have a sophisticated European meal without alcohol. Or a celebratory dinner without champagne." 

"I'm pretty sure you can, and only rich people do those things... Uh, not that I mind." I look at his glass. "Maybe you should slow down a little." 

"Maybe." He puts it down and taps his finger on the table, daydreaming. I'm content sneaking glaces at him from the corner of my eye, taking small sips of my wine to wet my dry mouth. Not for long, because within a few minutes, the waitress comes over with plates that are slightly bigger than the past few. It looks like Seiji got this roasted vegetable dish, with lots of thin slices fanned out across a sauce on the bottom of the plate. It doesn't have any meat, but I'd eat that as a main course, I think. And...! 

"Steak!" I can't help but quietly exclaim to myself, clapping my hands. Seiji chuckles and takes a bite of his food, gesturing for me to do the same. Oh man. I can't just do that though. I take out my phone and take a picture of it, laying beautifully atop mashed potatoes, and it has some sort of wine reduction on it, I think. I bet people on Faithbook are going to love this...! 

"Normally you don't do that in a restaurant like this," Seiji admonishes me. 

"I want to remember this forever, though! Maybe I'll forget what the steak looks like someday." Hmm. My phone is out... Before I can chicken out, I quickly snap a picture of Seiji, too, who looks a little surprised in the photo. I don't care. He still looks really handsome, even with food in his mouth. "Okay, I'll be good now." Seiji raises an eyebrow at me, but then shrugs and continues eating with relish. He must really like it, because he's eating without commenting on it, but he seems to be chewing the right amount of times, too, not like when he's angry or anxious. Alright, steak time...!

Woah. It's so tender that I'm able to cut it with my fork. My mouth is watering. Ahhh, this was completely worth the wait! It's heaven! "This is so goooood," I can't help but say out loud while still chewing. It's cooked perfectly, the outside still hot and the inside just slightly warm. It's falling apart in my mouth, so tender and juicy...! 

"Don't chew with your mouth open." Seiji is smiling really wide, his white teeth showing. Could I be any happier, with this delicious food in my mouth and the most handsome man on the planet smiling at me like that? I don't think it's possible. Maybe I'm a man of simple pleasures, but I don't feel like I need much. I probably would have been happy even if Seiji took me to a cheap divebar somewhere and ordered me the grodiest stake of all time, but... I know it probably doesn't mean a lot to him, because he's rich, but it means a lot to me that he decided to take me out here, I'm slowly admitting to myself. He wants me to fit in here and be comfortable. Maybe I can be. It's a shame it took me over half the meal to realize it, but at least now I can enjoy this steak and dessert in peace. 

I wipe my mouth with my napkin. "Sorry, it's super delicious! I couldn't help myself. What kind of beef is it? Do you know?" 

"Wagyu tenderloin." Before I can remark on that, Seiji adds, "I requested it." 

Shit. I take a long sip of wine to try to hide how flustered that made me. "You didn't need to spoil me like that." 

"Must I repeat myself?" I know what he means. _I wanted to._

"No... Thank you." 

We eat in silence for a few minutes, occasionally smiling at each other across the table. It's weird being quiet, but... I wasn't imagining the feeling that I thought I felt earlier. I don't get it, but something is happening between is. Seiji looks so soft in the candle light, and I want to touch him. It's funny, eating like this, in silence. I always felt like I had to fill it or it'd be awkward, and this is different, and it'd be a lie to say that I'm comfortable and used to it, but this really isn't bad at all. It's good. It's great. I want to do this more. I want to see Seiji like this more, in suits, at a classy dinner. It makes me think about his future. Hm. Soon, this will probably be the norm for him to do this on his own, not with his father and brother like he had been doing in the past, going out to diplomatic dinners and hobnobbing with other fancy types. I don't think I ever forget that this is the world that Seiji lives in, exactly, but he's never acted like it mattered to him what his social class was or what mine was in relation to his. 

I'm the one to break the silence. "So... how's your thesis going? Sorry I forgot to ask earlier. I know you've been working hard this week." 

Seiji nods and wipes his face. "It's going well. I am growing increasingly confident in what I have to say. I picked the subject at first because it was something that felt topical at the time, but I'm a bit surprised by how passionate I've been getting about it." 

"What is it?" 

"It's about the foster care system, and the need for more foster parents." My eyes widen. "It's a problem, as you know." 

"Yeah... honestly, I feel lucky that I got out as good as I did." He frowns. I don't get it. Really, I did get out pretty lucky. I didn't end up in an institution, despite being kind of a shithead teenager sometimes, and while, sure, I was peddled around a bit, I still was able to stay in the same area with Seiji. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. "I didn't realize that it meant that much to you." 

Seiji nods solemnly. "Of course it does. How could it not?" He pauses. "I've been thinking about it, and..." His eyebrows are knitted. "I still don't know what I want to do when I graduate. I am taking the civil service exams because it seems like the path of least resistance, but I'm a bit jealous of you." 

"Why?"

"Because you know what you want and you go after it." He folds his hands and puts them down in his lap. "I know that there is little that I can truly do. I am not charismatic like you and cannot move people directly. But... if I could make even a few children not have to suffer... then maybe that would be enough." 

I'm surprised. Seiji never really seemed like he had a direction, but I knew that he would put his entire being into whatever he eventually chose. "If that's what you want to do, then I know that hundreds of children won't suffer anymore. Maybe thousands. It won't happen overnight, but you're good, and kind. I'm behind you all the way, if you decide to follow that path, wherever it leads you." I put my hand on the table, and Seiji takes it, with only a moment's hesitation. "I believe in you." 

This probably looks more than friendly, and both of us realize it, so we part and look away, him out the window and me into the dining room. I don't think anybody saw us, but his skin was very warm, slight condensation on his wrist. I wish I could keep holding it, but there's a time and place for everything... and I'm starting to think that Seiji maybe implied that we'd be spending the night together, especially because of the bedroom eyes he keeps giving me. I gulp. Involuntarily, an image of Seiji gasping beneath me with his tie half-undone and hair strewn crosses my mind - and I banish it immediately, because getting a boner right now would be absolutely the worst. 

Dinner is winding down now. All that's left is cheese and dessert... I think? I think that's what the menu said when I read it online. There are lots of different kinds of cheeses, hard and soft, with a fresh mustard and a different chutney on the side. It's kind of funny, because Seiji and I are sharing a plate for this course, we sometimes try to grab the same piece. Seiji, being Seiji, always moves his fork away when he sees me going for the piece that he aimed for. After the third time that this happens, I aim for a piece of cheese that I don't really want to try, but figure that maybe I should anyway. Blech. I don't like it, it's too strong, but at least now I know. I swallow some wine to chase down the flavor. 

"This was nice, seeing you try something new," Seiji tells me after our dessert comes. He ordered black coffee to go with his, and he suggested that I have a mocha. I thought only girls drank that, but the waitress didn't seem to have any problems with me ordering one. We each have a small pot of chocolate mousse with orange zest on top, and poached pear covered in jelly. 

I poke at it with my fork. "You could definitely call this new... I don't think I'd ever order this myself, but it looks good." I take a bite of the pear. It's sweeter than I was expecting, but not unpleasantly so - it's just right, and it's slightly warm. "It is good." I try the mousse. "This too!" Seiji shakes his head and chuckles, sipping his coffee while watching me. He's having fun, watching me having fun. I guess tonight wasn't so bad and I didn't need to worry so much. The mocha is not as bitter as I thought it would be, but it's still definitely coffee... but I guess coffee in the best way possible. I feel like it's making my reaction time a little bit better, and the flavor isn't bad - the sweetness of the chocolate tempers it a lot, and there's just a hint of milk, too. "Do rich people eat like this all the time?" 

"Do you eat fast food every night?" 

I rub the back of my neck. "Only when I'm lazy."

"Same with us." 

Pfft. Seiji is smirking at his own joke, and it's kind of adorable, really. "This was really fun." 

"I think so too. I'm looking forward to the rest of our night together." 

Fuck. His smile is giving me heart palpitations as the waitress comes over to give Seiji the check.

~*~

"Just two more stops."

I'm pretty sure I know where Seiji is taking me at this point, and not just because he's having me be the "designated driver" because the alcohol hit him a little slow. He didn't get that drunk, so he's mostly just sleepy, but I keep on having to make sure he doesn't completely slump against me and fall asleep on the train. He still smells like cologne, but he smells faintly like champagne and chocolate, too. Part of me wants to kiss him, because he smells so good to me and because I'm happy and because I want him to know that I had a good time tonight, but not while he's almost asleep, and definitely not in public. The train is fairly full, because everybody's going to the same place, probably. 

Sure enough, when we reach our stop, most of the car empties along with us. We get swept up in it, following the mass of people as we follow the ringing of bells. I thought this might be a possibility, so I have my good luck charm from this year in my coat pocket. 

The air is cold, our breath condensing as we stand side by side in the temple's courtyard. The bells ring rhythmically, drawing the year to a close. We stand, in the middle of the crowd, silently in prayer. I've never gone to a temple for hatsumode before, but the idea was always kind of appealing to me. 

Seiji checks his watch, and quietly points at it to me. Five more minutes. I look around me. There are a few hundred other people in the yard with us, all gathered to wash away any desires and doubts for the old year. Seiji, too. With me. 

He doesn't ever do anything by accident. I know he's a little drunk right now, but he wasn't when he planned this. He wanted to come here with me. My hands are cold, but my face feels really warm. I look over at Seiji, and he's already looking at me. For once, we don't look away. We stare at each other, knowingly. I think. I think I know what he was trying to tell me by doing this. I will need to eventually hear him telling me outright, or I won't believe it, especially when I'm sober, but... this is okay. Right now, this is okay. Without breaking his gaze, he reaches for my hand and holds it, squeezing. I squeeze back. I don't know if anybody sees us, but I don't care if they do. They probably don't, because there's so many people here and they are paying more attention to themselves than us, but fuck them if they want to ruin this moment. Thankfully, if anybody notices, they do not say anything or interrupt us. Good, because I need to know that this is real, that Seiji is real and that he's with me and that this is actually happening. I spread my fingers apart and tilt my hand slightly, so I can press my palm closer to his. My gaze remains on our hands as our fingers lock together. I close my eyes and sigh. 

The bell rings the 108th time and every bad thing from last year is washed away, with Seiji's hand in mine.


	14. Chapter 14

"Daichi..."

Seiji's voice startles me a little as we enter my apartment, making me stop unbuttoning my overcoat halfway down. He's been awfully quiet since we left the temple - even at the temple, come to think of it. He didn't say a word about the omikuji he got, and didn't tell me about his prayer. I guess that's fair. I didn't tell him about mine, either, because it was kind of embarrassing - I wished for Seiji to have the best luck he could in attaining his dream, and that he would find someone he'd want to marry in the upcoming year. I thought about praying for myself for just a moment, but I think I'm okay - interviews will start soon, which is scary, but I've worked hard in school and have a pretty decent reputation for being reliable. It's funny, thinking about Seiji in a slightly more unknown position than I am... but I believe in him, and I want to support him. As for my omikuji... I didn't really get it. "Half-blessing... the person you seek awaits you, too, but be careful. The obstacles in your way are in clear sight. Heed your friends' warnings, as they can see things that you cannot, and do not make any rash decisions with money until you have finally united." I made a face when I read it out loud, and Seiji gave me a look that I didn't understand... it was almost disgust, but not really? It was weird, but I tried not to think about it too much. I didn't see what those had to do with each other, if anything, so I tied mine up and didn't take it with me. Seiji kept his, though... I wonder what was on it. Something really good, I guess. 

That said, we didn't linger too long at the temple. He seemed pretty anxious to leave, for some reason. I thought maybe because he was tired. So, we did everything as fast as we could, considering the crowds, and without saying anything, he followed me back home. Not that I'm particularly surprised... even without our arrangement, it's 1:15 in the morning, and I wouldn't want to go home alone then, either. It's crowded, and he's a guy, so it's not like anything bad would happen to him, probably, but I can't help but worry about anything bad happening to my best friend... He was more awake going home than he was coming back from the restaurant, but I think he's still a little tipsy, and I wanted to make sure he didn't get lost or into any trouble because of the alcohol. He really is a lightweight. 

But enough of that. He's safe, and with me, so there's nothing for me to worry about. I turn around as Seiji closes the door behind us, and his intention is incredibly clear. Eyes half-lidded, he's staring right at my lips, and gently leaning back against the door. Well. I can't exactly argue with that body language, because I've been thinking about doing this since I saw him come off of the train this afternoon. Without saying a word, I pin him against the door, my hands on his chest, and kiss him. He gasps under me as I pull away and grabs onto my tie, pulling me in again for another kiss, firm and intense. Fuck. Frantic, I pull off his scarf and take off his coat, the wool scratching my hands a little but man do I not care at all right now. Still holding onto my tie with one hand, Seiji finishes what I started with my own coat, and both of them drop to the floor within a few seconds. Oh... jeez. I break away from the kiss for a second and pant, trying to gauge Seiji's reaction. 

He looks... to be blunt, he looks really horny. I could get used to him looking like this. As I lean in to kiss him again, he closes his eyes and breathes, "I've waited for this all day." I pause before sealing the deal. Seiji. Do you realize what you're saying, and do you realize how I'm going to react to that? I was going to try to take it slow, but knowing that he's as raring for this as I am... I can't help but kiss him harder, licking and nibbling his lip as I unbutton his jacket, and, after that easy task is done, start working on his shirt. His reaction is perfect - he moans and opens his mouth for me, trembling in what I think is both anticipation and pleasure. Lightly flicking my tongue against his a few times, I get up to the last few buttons and stop, which makes him whimper questioningly, before I slide my hands underneath his shirt and cup his pecs. 

The contrast of his dark shirt against his pale skin looks really enticing. The contours of his firm chest, the way his muscle curves over his rib cage, the thin layer of sweat on his skin... it's beautiful. I smile at him, and Seiji swallows, his Adam's apple slowly raising and lowering. "You're so handsome," I tell him, tracing the shape of his chest. I don't think there's much, if any, alcohol left in my system at this point, but I feel like I should tell him, even if I'm not drunk. Maybe someday I can say it to him without him being drunk, either... but today's not that day. "I've wanted to do this all day, too," I murmur, kissing his cheek and pressing my thumbs against his half-hard nipples, rubbing slowly. The groan in his throat is unbearably sexy, so I suck gently on his Adam's apple as I apply more pressure to his chest. Good, his nipples are stiffening. I want him to feel good, and cared for, and spoiled, because he did such a good job taking care of me tonight. I want to take care of him, too, make him feel as loved as possible and like he's the most important and attractive person in the world. I can take care of him. 

Following my lead, he leans his full weight against the door and pants softly, squeezing his eyes shut as I touch him. "Feels so good..." I can tell - he didn't need to tell me, but I'm a little glad he did, because my heart starts racing. He's feeling it, his face flushing pink and breath growing heavier, more dense. I want to make him feel even better. I close my eyes and meet his lips again, one sweet kiss before it turns lusty, our tongues entwining and stroking each other as I rub his nipples harder, my thumbs pressing into his soft areolas. The texture is really pleasant... I'm more used to playing with boobs bigger than this, but Seiji's reaction makes this completely worth it. Maybe better. Whimpering, he grasps onto my arms, and I feel his knees shaking. Alright. I try to make sure that I'm pressing against him so he won't fall, trying to figure out how much force I need to use. I don't want to hurt him by holding his body too firmly, but I don't want him to hurt himself by falling over, either. 

He's trembling, like an overly-excited dog, so I decide that I can slow down just a bit. I forgo long, passionate kisses with shorter ones, quickly pressing my lips against his in rapid succession, lightly licking or nibbling every few passes, to tease him, to excite him. He whines, opening his eyes slightly, gazing at me like he's begging. I chuckle, because it's really cute. As a reward, I kiss him, solid, closed mouth but trying to emphasize my fondness nonetheless, and run my hands up and down his sides a few times before resting them back on his smooth pecs again. I rest my forehead against his and smile at him. 

I'm not sure what got into Seiji, but he leans into me and nuzzles me, pulling my body a few centimeters closer. Our bodies aren't touching, but I can feel heat from the arousal that must be surging through his blood. It's a little sexual, obviously, but... it feels more affectionate than anything else. Instinctively, I move my hands to his back and pull his chest against mine, squeezing. He hugs me back, the space between our waists obvious and a little awkward, but I'm putting it there purposefully. Seiji really seems to want it, want _me_ , but... is this okay? I want to make sure before doing anything. Before I can think about that too deeply, I feel Seiji's teeth gently bite down on my earlobe. Shit. Instant reaction - now I'm the one weak in the knees. "Please continue," he whispers, and pulls back, moving my hands off of his back. 

"Okay." Seiji's mouth is slightly parted. Kissing him feels amazing, I think as we meet again, his tongue moving languidly against mine as I play with his chest. It's growing increasingly hard to not press him up against the wall and start grinding into him with all I've got, but I need to be patient. Seiji deserves someone who can be patient with him, and I don't want him to feel rushed into anything he's not ready for. That said, I need some way to relieve some of my frustration while still making Seiji feel good. Without any warning, I kiss him deep, licking the back of his upper teeth and pinch his nipples firmly. Seiji doesn't kiss me back, instead moaning loudly and beautifully into my mouth. Something inside of me, something feral, takes over for an instant. I break away from the kiss and look him over, hungry. His tie is still on. I quickly undo it, hearing it snake its way to the floor, and pull off his jacket and shirt after undoing the last few buttons. I know what I want to do, but... I should probably ask, first. I'm not that far gone. Without raising my head, I watch Seiji's face. "Can I bite you?" 

Seiji nods, excitement gleaming in his eyes in a way that I know is real and he's not faking. I turn my eyes back to his neck and shoulders. Okay, good. It's glistening slightly with sweat. There are so many good places that I could sink my teeth into, so many places that I want to mark him. How about... there. Putting my face against the crook of his neck, I breathe in, smelling him. It smells like a mixture of sweat and cologne, but it's not a very strong scent of sweat. Seiji doesn't smell like much. I kind of like that about him, but I'd love him even if he smelled bad, I think. Hard to imagine, but all the same... Slowly, I lick and kiss him there, rubbing his stiff and probably slightly aching nipples. I made the mistake of doing this once when a girl wasn't ready, and I want this to feel good for him. I mean... peeking down, I'm pretty sure he feels at least a little good right now, but I want to be sure. He moans, gripping into my back with one hand and running his fingers through my hair with the other. "Do it," he orders softly. Alright. With his word, I kiss his neck, once, twice, and then suck on his skin. I love the way it tastes - mostly like nothing, but there's a hint of a sort of masculine sweetness to his sweat. Seiji whimpers, hugging my head so I can't leave. I guess that answers if it's good pain or bad pain. After about a minute, I pull away, kissing the light pink mark gently a few times before nibbling at it. I don't leave any other marks than the hickey, but I can tell it's going to be one that's going to last a while if I can already see color before I've even stopped working on it. I'm mostly supporting Seiji at this point, letting him rest against me as he pants and shakes. He's so worked up... it's hard to not get as worked up in return. I feel light-headed, more drunk on Seiji than the alcohol for sure. 

Now's a very bad time, but I almost tell him that I love him. I'm glad there's a part of me that has some self-control, because... if I ever tell him, I want it to be not during sex, or fooling around. I want to tell him when he knows that I mean it, at the perfect moment, where neither of us are rushed. I probably won't ever say anything, but. Sometimes the thought is nice, even though I know that there's no way that this can last forever. I look up at him, smiling. "Done. You're always handsome, but you look even better now. You did a great job!" 

Shivering, Seiji closes his eyes and touches the mark. "Nnn." He's biting his lower lip, and I'm worried for a moment... before I realize that he unzipped his pants stealthily while I was focusing on his neck, and the shape of his dick is apparent in his briefs, a distinct wet spot spreading over a significant portion of the head. The slightly salty and sweet scent hits my nostrils. Oh man. My heart is thudding against my ribs, and I am suddenly very aware of how clothed I am. I still haven't taken off any of my suit except for my shoes, and the pants I'm wearing are growing more and more uncomfortable. It's hot wearing a tie, too. I loosen it just a little, gulping, and try to decide what to do, folding my arms as I look Seiji over. After a few seconds, I decide, pulling down Seiji's pants while keeping his underpants intact. He steps out of them and stares at me, pupils dilated. "Daichi... please." 

He doesn't need to tell me twice. Quickly, chastely, I kiss him, squeezing his waist with my hands, before moving my lips outward, towards his cheek, then his ear, and move down, past the mark I just put on him... lower, lower. He gasps, and I can't help but smile. He's so adorable, so handsome. How did a guy like me manage to get a friend like this, and also somehow get lucky enough to be someone that he wants to have sex with, too? Finally, I get to my destination. Looking up at him, I say, "You know you have a really nice looking chest, right? I don't think I've ever seen a guy with a chest as good looking as yours... any girl would be lucky to be able to wake up with her face in this every morning. Some of them are probably jealous, because your nipples are adorable. Such a pretty shade of pink. Has anybody told you that?" Before he can respond (beyond his slightly confused and agitated sigh), I lick his nipple, flicking it with my tongue as I rub the other with my fingertips, cupping the small of his back with my bare hand. He arches into my touch and moans, cupping my head, and I take this cue to start sucking, pinching his other nipple in time with my mouth. 

"Daichi...!" Seiji almost sounds like he's crying, his voice high and sweet. I worry for a moment that it might be too much, so I take my mouth off of him and resume licking, listening to his breathing. It sounds normal, hitched but not in pain or upset. Nodding to myself, I continue, sucking harder and humming softly. Tension is radiating off of Seiji's body, but not the negative kind - the kind that you feel when someone is having a really good time having sex. Knowing that he's feeling good is - making it difficult for me to want to keep my pants on, but I need to, if just for a while longer. I want him to relax, so I slow down a little, focusing on tracing circles on his back. Gently, absentmindedly, I nip at his chest and pinch it, and he cries my name louder. 

Fuck. My cock is throbbing painfully against my zipper now. "You're gorgeous when you moan," I tell him, and he shakes, whimpering, probably slightly in embarrassment. "It's okay," I tell him, standing up and stroking his face. He turns to me, red-faced and bleary-eyed. "I like you this way." _I like you always._ I keep that to myself, but my heart says it out loud as I kiss him. He kisses back, emitting a high pitched whine as I continue playing with his chest. Unable to take it anymore, he finally tries to reciprocate my actions, taking off my tie with one quick movement and unbuttoning the top few buttons. He stops when he gets to my chest, pulling at my arms. I chuckle and stop playing with his chest long enough to let him take off my jacket, then get back to work, nibbling his lips as I pinch his nipples. He whimpers quietly, but is determined in doing what he wants to do. I gasp as I feel him undo the button of my pants, and then, effortlessly, glide down my zipper, making sure to not touch me. I'll admit that I feel a lot more comfortable now, but... wow, I guess he actually does want something. I pull away and look at him, cocking my head. I want to take things at his pace, so I'll wait for him to give me a signal. 

And he does. Satisfied with what he's done, he brings my hand up to his mouth. My head is spinning as he kisses it, the back of it, my palm... my fingers. I think I know where this is going. I gulp. Sure enough, he takes two fingers into his mouth, looking straight at me, and closes his mouth, sucking gently. 

I'm mesmerized. "Ahh..." He closes his eyes and sighs, running his soft tongue around my fingers, tracing the tips and moaning. I can't help it. I put my other hand up to my mouth, blushing profusely. Holy shit, Seiji. You sure know how to put a vivid image in a guy's head, huh. There's no way I can't get funny ideas from this - he's sucking my fingers, making sure to not use teeth, rubbing his tongue against the underside of my fingers as he moves his head back and forth slightly. I feel dizzy... Still, he continues, moving my fingers around with his tongue, pushing them off to the sides into his cheek. The inside of his mouth is slimy and soft, and, imagining something other than my fingers in there... "Seiji." He doesn't stop, giving me a quick, curious glance and, satisfied with the look on my face, swirls his tongue around my fingers and takes them deeper into his mouth. The suction of my fingers going far back against his tongue, moving just by his movements alone, is making a wet and incredibly lewd sound. My dick twitches in my boxers. 

Finally, after what seems like ages, he lets go, opening his mouth and letting my fingers hang limply on his tongue. It occurs to me that I probably could have pulled my fingers from his mouth at any time, but... uh, I didn't. Ashamed of myself, I do now. Before I can apologize, Seiji speaks. "Is that okay?" he asks, sultry and low. 

I really want to nod. I really, really want to nod. I really want to do the same for Seiji, honestly - I want more than anything for him to feel good, and I'd be happy if the last thing I ever did was suck off my best friend while he calls my name. However... I can't. I don't know how drunk Seiji is, and, while I'm pretty sure that he would have been okay with everything we just did sober... I don't know about anything else. Turning something good into something bad and traumatizing is the last thing I want to do tonight. I shake my head. "No good. Let's wait until later, if you really want to do it." 

Seiji frowns. "You did so much for me just now, I want to do something for you..." 

I shake my head again. "You treated me for dinner and spent hatsumode with me. Isn't that enough?" I try to calm my boner. It isn't working, so maybe I should just ignore it. Alright, method two. I focus on Seiji instead, ignoring what's going on with my body. Even as I'm saying this, he looks really, really sexy, with evidence that I've been playing with him all over his torso - erect nipples, drying trails of saliva, and a darkening bruise on his neck. A flush on his skin, redder on his face, his chest heaving slightly as he pants. "If you insist on doing it later, we can wait until tomorrow. It's late. Okay?" Seiji closes his eyes, grimacing. I can tell that he's still really turned on, probably thinking about what he wants to do tomorrow. "Uh..." I look away, suddenly embarrassed, aware of all the clothes on my body - for some reason, it makes me feel more naked than he is. "If it's a problem... you can use my shower," I say helpfully. 

It takes a minute to register, but he understands what I mean. Probably a really good thing that I insisted on this. "I'll be going then." Without another word, he straightens himself up and walks past me, knees wobbling a little. I can't believe I got him that worked up without even touching his dick. I don't look back, and within a minute, I hear water running. Seems louder than normal... I turn around.

The door is open. 

I groan softly, biting my lip, but I keep my self-control. Seiji's taking care of his problem... I should take care of mine. I look around the room, and I see something that catches my attention. Seiji's tie, the silver streaks shining in the light from the lamp, lies underneath something even better - Seiji's shirt, crumpled as it's discarded on the ground. I gulp. Hmm... should I? I probably shouldn't, but I need to get off, fast, if I want to have a normal night. Seiji is thorough, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was able to get off within a minute or two, and I think I need slightly longer than that. 

I crouch down and pick it up. Because I'm not frantically trying to pull it off of Seiji's body, or remove it just enough so I have access to his chest, I am able to feel the texture of it. It feels really nice and not overly tacky - feels like cotton, but softer. Slowly, I bring it up to my nose. It smells like him. It smells just like him, like his cologne, like his sweat, even slightly like his arousal. I grunt as I feel my cock bounce in my boxers, twitching involuntarily. I haven't touched myself at all, but I feel precum dribbling out of my dick. Okay. That's probably a good thing. I sit down on the floor and palm my dick through my underwear as I take in another deep whiff, and have to suppress a loud moan. It's easy to imagine picking up where we left off... 

_Seiji reaches down after I nod and strokes my cock, not pulling down my boxers yet. Panting, I look at him, begging for more with my eyes. He shakes his head, smiling at me with a slightly mischievous grin, and kisses my neck. His hair smells like his shampoo. I greedily find his lips, just for a moment, as he continues stroking me off, tracing my shape through my underwear. "It's your turn to feel good," he whispers in my ear. The scent of his body is overwhelming, sweet and slightly musky. I nod, whimpering as he finishes unbuttoning my shirt, running his hands up and down my body. "You're so cute, Daichi." He laughs at the facial expression I make, satisfied with my reaction, and he kisses and licks my neck as his hands go lower, slowly rubbing my stomach. It feels satisfied from eating our meal together earlier, and Seiji seems satisfied with what I've done to him, too. The image of him sucking off my fingers floats to the front of my mind, and thinking about my dick in there instead..._

_Soon. He drops to his knees and nuzzles my stomach, clinging onto my thighs with his hands. He starts with his tongue flat against my lower abdomen, licking upwards, staring at me. He's not at my dick yet, but... damn, that's really hot. Happily, he leans his cheek against my tummy and squeezes my butt with both of his hands. "Daichi... I always knew you had a nice butt, but I didn't realize how good it was until I fucked it last week," he murmurs. "It was so tight..." My cock is ready at attention and almost painfully throbbing. He goes back to rubbing it, this time with his face, letting it prod against his smooth cheek through the fabric. "Ahh," he sighs, and I see his dick twitching in his briefs. My eyes widen. Is he... going to come just from sucking me off, maybe?! I didn't know that was possible, but he really seems horny enough. After he steadies his breathing, he kisses it, up and down, from my balls to the tip of the head, giving me small licks in all the right places._

_"Shit," I whimper, clutching onto his hair. He takes this as encouragement and makes his licks wetter, soaking through my boxers, focusing on the head. He smells so good. He smells so good. I thrust against his mouth a little and he takes it happily, swirling his tongue around me -_

"Seiji...!" I clutch hard onto the shirt as I come, feeling a sticky warmth spread through my boxers as I press it against my nose. I'm doubled over, clutching my stomach and buckling, my hips jerking involuntarily as I ruin my undies with rhythmic spurts. I imagine coming on Seiji's face, cum landing on his cheeks and nose, and... fuck. Him smiling at me and licking his lips. Fuck. All the tension floats from my body with my orgasm, with only afterglow remaining as I slump over, trying to catch my breath. 

I wasn't touching myself when I came. 

As I pant, coming down off of it, I can't believe I just did that. Coming without touching myself, sniffing my best friend's shirt. Daichi... that's really too much. I shake my head, but what's done is done. I need to clean up after everything that just happened. 

I take care of Seiji's stuff first, because that matters more - he cares more if his clothing is messed up, and I care about making him happy. Making sure to position everything as neatly as possible, I put his pants, shirt, tie, and jacket all on one of my spare hangers and hang it up in my closet. Some of it is a little crumpled, but it can't be helped. That tends to happen after long nights out, anyway. I hope Seiji's not too mad about it in the morning. Sighing, I take off my pants and hang up my suit, dangling my tie over the hanger for good measure. I can put it in its proper place later. I wipe down my boxers as best I can and wrap them up in my shirt, which is probably kind of gross but this shirt doesn't need to be dry-cleaned so it's okay, I think. It got mostly on the inside, anyway. Regardless, I put my wadded up clothes in the laundry hamper. I was planning on cleaning tomorrow, so it's all good. Finally, I pick up both of our overcoats and Seiji's scarf and put them on my coat's hanger, putting Seiji's things over mine, so it'll be easier for him to grab when he leaves. 

Man. I probably need a shower after that. I grab a towel out of the laundry that's mostly clean and wrap it around my waist, patiently waiting for Seiji to come out. I don't have to wait long. After a minute, the water shuts off, and Seiji walks out, flicking his wet hair out of his eyes. He left his glasses in the bathroom, I guess. I'm not getting horny again, but my heart pounds a little at how cool Seiji looks while doing something so small, so natural. And... I feel a little privileged having seen it, because I know not many people have seen him do that. He's wearing a towel, too, and it looks like he's cooled off, the flush on his body mostly faded. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "Is there a second shower I don't know about?" 

"No... I need to take one, too. Don't want you to get too grossed out by me." 

Seiji nods and walks over to the futon, sitting down on it. "I won't go anywhere." 

I raise my eyebrows. "I'd be worried if you did." He chuckles, because it was a joke, and I know it was a joke, but imagining Seiji going out by himself right now is a little scary. "It's not funny, I don't want you to get hurt." Seiji stops laughing and... why does he keep making these unreadable faces at me lately? I feel awkward. "Wait a moment. I'll be right back and we can figure out how we're going to bed after that." 

Shrugging, Seiji pulls the towel out from underneath him and dries off his hair. I avert my gaze and walk into the bathroom. 

The shower is pretty brief for what it is - the water is already warm, so I don't have to wait, and I try to not distract myself with any unnecessary thoughts. I scrub my pits and my parts, making sure I don't smell, and wash my hair. I shave, too - I shaved this morning, but I figure I shouldn't risk giving Seiji any bumply kisses that he wouldn't like. 

Hmm. Is it really okay to kiss him when we aren't having sex? I wonder. But it seems like he wants it, too... And, we pretty much did have sex tonight. One, maybe two steps away from it, but we didn't. I sigh. I'm glad that I was able to maintain my self-control, because I really, really wanted to fuck him, or give him a blowjob, I didn't care. Maybe I am learning to stop thinking with my dick so much, if I had to tell Seiji to stop for once. Kind of funny. He always told me to stop thinking with my dick and take things seriously, but tonight... I sigh. Don't think troublesome things, Daichi.

Alright, that's enough. As I step out of the shower, I notice something I missed before - Seiji's briefs are on the floor. I don't know what to do. After thinking for a moment, I decide that the best course of action is to ignore them and let Seiji take care of them in the morning, when he's for sure sober. I dry myself off and walk back into the main room. 

Seiji is curled up on the bed over the covers, scrolling through something on his phone. When he hears me walk in, he sits up and puts it down. "Hello." 

"Hi there." Seiji's naked, but he's not hard at all, so maybe this is okay...? "What do you want to do?" 

"Turn off the lights and I'll show you." 

I pout. "I know I've been a player, but you can't fool me! We're not having sex!" 

He laughs. "I know, I wasn't intending on it. Please trust me." 

I know it, too, but I needed to make sure that he knew that I'm absolutely serious about no sex tonight. I turn off the lights, the only light the light from the street outside filtering through the blinds. "Now what?" 

Instead of using his words, Seiji does something that surprises me - I hear him get up, the sheets and blankets rustling, and before I know what he's doing, I feel his lips press against the back of my neck. I tremble, but steady myself as I feel Seiji's hands rest against my stomach, pulling me against him. His body is warm and skin slightly soft and damp, the way skin is when you come out of a hot shower. I want to lean back against him. "I want to sleep like this," he whispers. "I don't care how or where." 

"Mm." I nod, holding onto one of his hands with my own. That doesn't sound half-bad to me, either. I guide him over to the futon, the path familiar even in the dark (good, because it would have been embarrassing to trip over something while we were trying to get into bed) and lay down with him, the feeling of skin against skin soothing me in ways that I wasn't expecting. Despite the number of girls that I've been with, I haven't gone to bed like this before - I always put on pajamas for modesty, but I suppose I don't have much to hide from Seiji. Except that one thing, but... when he holds me like this, I wonder if it's even a secret. 

We grasp the blanket at the same time and pull it up over our naked bodies. I'm a little surprised that Seiji is okay with sleeping naked, but I'm definitely not complaining. Part of me thinks that it might make having sex in the morning easier, if he still wants that... but I allow that thought to go in and out of my head and don't linger on it. I close my eyes and lean back against Seiji as he strokes my arm and nuzzles the back of my hair. "I had a lot of fun tonight. Thank you... for indulging me," Seiji whispers, half-suggestively. 

"I had fun, too." I'm getting sleepy, but I want him to know that I reciprocate. Lazily, I lift up a hand to hold the one that is touching my arm. "You did a good job making me feel... special." I'm having problems settling on the right word, but that is close enough to what I mean, I guess. He squeezes me and yawns. I guess he's tired too. "You don't have to hug me if it's uncomfortable... if it's easier for you, you can fall asleep on your back or not touching me." Without hesitation, he grips onto me tighter, wrapping his arms around my waist. I guess he really does want to sleep this way. I've only been the little spoon a few other times in my life, but if it's Seiji protectively cradling me, I can't say that I mind. I nod and put my hands over his. His fingers are so long and delicate... his limbs feel sturdy... 

Seiji kisses my hair, and murmurs some words I don't understand, in French. It wasn't something that even I know, like "je t'aime" (could you imagine) or "bonne nuit", so I really don't know what he said. I want to ask what he is trying to tell me, but my consciousness drifts and fades, words starting to form in my head but they melt before they can reach my mouth. I'm already half-asleep, and that final touch is enough to relax me enough to sink me into a dark, comfortable slumber, uninterrupted and safe. I sleep the best I have in months.


	15. Chapter 15

I really need to pee. 

Blinking slowly in the morning light, I try to stretch and get up, only to be reminded that I'm in bed with someone. Seiji's strong arms are wrapped around my waist, not extremely tightly but heavy enough that I can't wiggle out of them easily. He seems to be sleeping very soundly, his breath steady and low. Before getting out of his grasp, I decide to turn around and face him. 

The sunlight hits his hair through the window just slightly, making it shine brilliantly. Or maybe that's my heart speaking... but, all the same, he looks like an angel, even if he is drooling a little on my pillow. My neck doesn't feel wet and he's only drooling _a little_ , so it's cute and not gross. Would I even be grossed out if he drooled all over me, actually? Probably not - people have done way grosser things to me, and Seiji is the opposite of gross. Anyway, he looks completely relaxed and seems fast asleep still. I don't think he knows that I'm watching him. I almost want to be a little mean and tweak the tip of his nose, but I don't. Instead, trying to not think about it too hard, I kiss it lightly and smile at him, running one of my hands lightly up and down his side. He sighs in his sleep and his lips twitch upwards. Ah. My heart feels funny. I should stop this and pee before I get any more weird ideas. Carefully, I lean back and peel his arm off of my waist and place it in front of me as I stand up. Seiji grunts, but he's still asleep. I don't want him to get cold, so I pull the blankets over him. Something catches in my throat when I notice the hickey on his neck, remembering the noises he made as I gave it to him, and I have to avert my eyes. I kind of want to kiss him, I think to myself as I try to calm my heart, but I should... wait, and pee. 

The first thing I notice when I walk into the bathroom are his briefs on the floor again. I frown. Why did I think it was a good idea to leave them there? I'll put them in the laundry when I'm done in here. I do my morning routine - go to the bathroom, brush my teeth. Seiji's glasses stare up at me as I move my toothbrush back and forth. I take a quick shower, too. I try to tell myself that it's because I want to feel refreshed, but - honestly, I feel plenty refreshed already. I think the only way that I might feel more refreshed is if I came inside Seiji last night, but sometimes that makes things worse, not better, and I am really glad we didn't go there. I'm a little anxious, thinking about Seiji waking up. What if he doesn't remember anything and gets mad at me? He didn't seem that bad to me, but... I don't know. I hope I didn't fuck up. Agitated, I try to slough off my worries with soap and hot water. It doesn't completely work, but I do feel a bit better when I walk out of the shower and dry off, putting the towel back on the hook when I'm done. Before I leave the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror. I look really well-rested, actually, and, even though I feel anxious inside... I'm pretty clearly happy. Chuckling to myself, I shake my head. Wow, embarrassing. I pick up Seiji's briefs and go back into my room. 

He's still asleep. Quietly, I put Seiji's underwear in the laundry... and then step back and think. You know, there's no reason to not start on it now. Nodding, I put on some pajamas and start separating my clothes by color, rolling Seiji's socks together so I know that they're his. They're so soft... Shaking my head, I grab the first load and get it started. I think two should be able to get everything done... I shouldn't let my dirty clothes pile up like this. Oh well. 

It's a little past ten, and I'm getting hungry. I think I'll just do leftovers today. I have some eggs, natto, and rice in the fridge, so I'll have that. Just need to cook the eggs and we're golden. I peek over at Seiji. Still conked out, huh... I'll wait until he wakes up to make an egg for him. 

I realize as I'm break open the yolk of my fried egg over my rice that I'm not really paying much attention to what I'm doing at all, now that Seiji and I are sharing a room again - I'm just waiting for Seiji to wake up, glancing over at him every minute or so, looking for any signs of wakefulness. He doesn't show any, but he probably needs the sleep. We had a long night and he isn't used to staying up that late, although... come to think of it, I've probably been messing up his sleep schedule, because he's stayed up late so we can talk on the phone after I get home from work. 

My phone goes off. Curious, I check it. A message from Hino. 

>Heyyyy Daichi! Miwa and a couple of the guys are getting beers tonight, wanna come? 

Still eating, I reply. 

>I'd love to, but I'm working, sorry  
>Is that a euphemism? (￣ω￣)  
>｢(ﾟﾍﾟ) Dude, when have I ever not told you that I'm getting laid?  
>Dunno. You've been acting funny. 

I don't know what to say to that.

>You've been hanging out with Seiji a lot...? Like every time I check RHINE it's like you've posted a new selfie of you two together.  
>I mean, I always thought you guys had some sort of special bond, being best friends for over ten years and all, but...  
>You guys seem really close.  
>It's kind of cool that you have someone that you can be that close with for so long.

I'm sure my silence is suspicious, but how the hell do I deflect this? I've always wanted to brag about my relationships in the past, and I kind of want to brag about Seiji, honestly, but we're not dating. We're just friends, and as much as I love him, and as much as I'm happy that he wants to have sex with me, and despite everything we did last night... that's all we are right now, so...

>Well, whatever. If you're not having buttsex with your best buddy tonight the invite's still open, you know where we'll be hanging out (●ゝω・)ｂ  
>We're not having buttsex!! (；￣Д￣）  
>（ー△ー；）OK... We should meet up soon, though. Have some stuff I'd like to catch up on with you. Hope you do well on your upcoming exams and interviews, man  
>Me too. We'll see each other before then, okay?  
>You got it, Daichi

I rub my forehead. God, this is embarrassing. I need to stop being so obvious. Hino's asked questions before, but even though I denied it, I know that he knows. I wonder who else knows... At least he didn't seem mad that I was lying to him and didn't push me too hard. Hino is strangely considerate in his own way. I don't think he was asking to be mean or to tease me... I mean, he's not like effeminate or anything, but he never really seemed to care much about who people sleep with. I'm pretty sure he's just into chicks himself, but I remember a guy from a different school confessed to him when we were in high school and he was actually kind of flattered. Still turned him down, but he thought he was hot shit for a while having both guys and girls wanting to have sex with him. Truth be told, I think the guy just liked that Hino is so laid back and charming, but I didn't say anything. It's not like Hino's ugly, but he's not Seiji. 

I'm almost done eating, and I look over at the futon again. Seiji rolled over and his breathing is lighter, so he'll probably get up soon. Quietly, I put my dish in the sink, quickly do a once over brushing my teeth again in the bathroom (just in case), and take a water bottle out of the fridge. I sit down on the edge of the bed, turning around to look at Seiji's curved back underneath the blankets. He's hunched slightly in on himself, and his breathing is quiet. If he's not awake, he'll wake up soon. Lightly, I pet his hair with the hand that doesn't have the water bottle in it. It almost seems fluffier from him sleeping on it while it was still a little wet. To my surprise, he lifts his head into my touch, as if asking for more. I give him what he wants - I sit up next to him and stroke his head silently, running my fingers through his hair and lightly touching his forehead. It's cool to the touch, and I'm relieved that he doesn't seem sick after last night, despite the amount of time that he slept. "Mmm." Slowly, he rolls over, not completely on his side facing me, but not on his back, either. "Good morning." 

The lump in my throat is difficult to swallow, because his eyes are clear, even if he's still a little sleepy, and the smile he's giving me is so honest and unassuming that I want to die. I think he notices that I'm hesitating, because he shakes his head and closes his eyes, tacitly giving me permission. Okay. To answer, I lean down and give him a peck on the lips, stroking his cheek. He holds my hand there and is smiling at me when I pull away. "Morning. Did you sleep well?" 

He nods. "I have a little headache... but I'm fine." 

"Here." I present him the water bottle. "This will make you feel better." Sitting up, sheet still pulled up around his waist, he nods and takes it, unscrewing the cap and slowly drinking it. I was suspecting he might be hungover, but he doesn't seem that bad. I guess he was pacing himself better than I thought he was. Which, makes me realize... I want to ask to be sure, but... He wipes his mouth and pauses for a moment, looking at me questioningly. I still don't know how exactly to say it, so I look away. I hear him swallow as he continues drinking. 

"Thank you." He puts the bottle by the side of the bed. 

"Of course." I look back at him. This is awkward. His eyes are slightly narrow, because the light is shining in them, I think, and he seems curious. I'm curious, too. I don't know how to put it into words. "So, um... do you remember everything that happened last night?" 

"Yeah." He seems to be contemplating something. Inwardly, I'm cringing. Ah... he probably acted out a little because he was drunk, but at least he wasn't black-out drunk. "If you were worried, I don't regret anything." He tilts his head, drawing attention to the mark that I placed on his neck provocatively. "None of it." 

"Oh..." Calm down, Daichi! Seiji probably knows what he's doing, but let's not jump on him when we're trying to have a normal conversation! "I'm glad, I just remember the last time we got drunk together I had to cover for you because you got so sick and I wanted to make sure that you didn't do anything you wouldn't want to right now." 

Seiji... blushes, and turns away. "There's a lot I'd like to do right now." His half-erection is apparent through the sheets. I feel my eyes widen and am painfully aware of my heartbeat. Wow. Um. He's going there, I guess, I think to myself as he leans into me and I close the final few centimeters as I kiss him, open mouthed this time. "Mmmf." I don't care that Seiji has morning breath. My heart speeds up as our tongues meet and he grips the back of my hair firmly. There's still a lot of space to speed up and escalate things, but this is definitely off to a... um, very sexual start. I don't know what to do with my hands, because they could go many places, so I decide to play it safe and hold him and rub his back. He sighs into my mouth and I open my eyes slightly to check on him. He's assessing me, too, and then pulls away after seeing the look on my face. "Are you not ready?" 

The frankness of his question surprises me. "I don't know." My honest answer surprises me, too. "I just..." I make a stupid face. "You know how when you fap in the morning and then the rest of the day is shitty because you have brain fog and nothing seems to go right after? I have work today, and..." Seiji sighs, because while this is part of it, we both know that's not the real reason. "I don't want to hurt you." 

He closes his eyes. "That's fine. Don't worry." 

I feel apologetic, because I think Seiji was really expecting to get laid today. "I'm sorry." 

He shakes his head. "No need to apologize. You said you didn't want me to do anything I wasn't ready for, and I feel the same for you." He does look a little surprised, and I feel bad. If Seiji was one of my exes, my dick would probably already be inside of her and I wouldn't be having this conversation. It doesn't feel right to do that with Seiji right now, this morning, though. There's too much that I don't know. 

There's a lot swirling in my mind. "Um..." Seiji tilts his head. "Why did you hold hands with me last night?" 

Confused, Seiji quirks his eyebrows and opens his mouth. "The same reason I took you out for dinner." 

Because we're close friends, and he appreciates me...? I feel flustered. "You know, you don't need to go through all that trouble to just make me feel appreciated. We talk to each other, like, every day, and I feel like you notice the little things that I like and prefer that even I forget sometimes, so... you really don't need to do anything to make me feel special." This line is fucking awful but I feel it deep inside of me so I have to say it. "You're my friend... that makes me feel special enough." 

In response, Seiji smiles at me shyly. It's really hard to not kiss him again, so I look away, rubbing the back of my neck. "It's red." I blink and look at him. "The back of your neck is red." I pull my hand away, embarrassed, and he pecks the nape of my neck. 

I need to get my mind off of this. "Are you hungry? I had natto, rice, and an egg... I can get you some too, if you want. If you need to go to the bathroom, I can probably have it ready for you by the time you come out." 

He shrugs. "I'm not very hungry, but it is probably best if I do eat. Thank you. I will try not to take too long." I get off the bed and move off to the side to give him space, and he walks to the bathroom, his dick bobbing slightly as he walks. (Yes, I'm looking at his dick, but I swear I just took a quick peek.) 

"Wait a second." He turns around, and I toss him a pair of clean boxers. "Here, if you want something when you get out." He nods and turns back, closing the door behind him this time as he enters. 

Phew. I need to calm down. You think that, as I get used to Seiji's naked body, to kissing him, to touching him in all sorts of ways, I'd be able to get desensitized to it, but... I, definitely am not. I... don't want to read too much into things, but I think that maybe he feels the same way about me, just a little. I sigh. I can't disappoint him. I crack an egg on the still slightly-warm frying pan and watch it - Seiji prefers his egg more set than mine, so I wait a little longer than I usually would to flip it. Seems about right. As I put the egg on top of the rice and natto, Seiji comes out of the bathroom, drying his hair with the last towel. He's wearing the boxers. I'm a little relieved, although I will probably still be distracted by other parts of his body. 

"Here." I sit down on the bed this time and gesture for Seiji to eat next to me. He nods and does so, taking the bowl and thanking me before he starts to eat. 

I try to distract myself with my phone, to variable success. A few of my friends are posting pictures on Faithbook of hanging out with their girlfriends or their family. One of my friends from middle school already has a kid, somehow, and is posting pics of her. I really want to have kids, but I can't imagine right now... I look at Seiji. He'll be a really good father someday. I don't think I'll be half-bad either, actually, but Seiji's going to be really amazing. He hasn't ever mentioned wanting kids, but the idea of Seiji as a father has always lingered in a secret place in the back of my head. I hoped, even when we were little, that our kids could get along... maybe if we had a daughter and a son, that they might be able to get together, so Seiji and I can be closer in terms of family... I've always wanted to be close to Seiji. 

Maybe Hino is right. I can't get much closer to him than I am now, sharing the same bed as him, eating breakfast in it together half-naked after spending a night on the town together and almost having sex not once, but twice, before I denied Seiji both times. Why did I say no? I want him to be happy. I... want to make him happy, and I don't want to fuck up. Slowly, I put down my phone. 

Seiji is eating carefully. The yolk doesn't run all over his rice like it did for mine, but he still seems to be enjoying what he's eating. Feeling his eyes on me, he looks up. Misinterpreting my stare, he holds out his bowl for me, half-full. "If this is all that's left, you can have the rest. Like I said, I'm not that hungry." 

I don't know if I can take this anymore. My heart is beating so fast, and... I, I feel nervous, excited, but in a good way. "Seiji." I need to just say it. He's looking at me, seriously, because my voice shook as I said his name. Deep breaths. I stare at his hand, cupping the bowl as he places it on his thigh, and then look up at him, resolving myself. "Seiji... I love you." 

I scrunch my eyes shut. Fuck! Shit! Why the hell did I say that! Regret courses through me immediately. Why did I say that when he's practically naked! He's going to get the wrong idea. But, instead of an irritated sigh, or even a belittling laugh... I don't hear anything at all. When I open my eyes, he looks mildly confused. "Daichi, I know." 

Oh, um... "Really?" 

He shakes his head and sighs. "Yes. You don't need to look like you told me that you killed my family." 

I feel like an idiot. "Sorry... that was dumb." 

"No..." He looks off to the side. "It was dumb of me to not make it clear that I love you, too." He looks back at me, smiling apologetically. "Sorry." 

My heart stops, and then thuds painfully, catching up with the few seconds that it didn't move. Cogs are turning in my head. "Wait..." Suddenly a lot of things make sense. "Last night was a date." 

Seiji laughs, good-natured. "Yes. Last night was a date." He puts his bowl down on the floor. "And so have all of our meetings since two weeks ago... I thought it was as clear as your feelings for me, so I didn't tell you outright." 

Oh my god, my chest aches so much. I was so worried over nothing. Seiji had always been making the first moves, and still I was afraid that he'd reject me, when he... feels the same way. Overcome by intense, conflicting emotions, of happiness and relief and irritation at myself for being so blind and stupid, I press my face against his chest and hug him. He hugs me close, his arms firm and strong. I love how sturdy he is, and I think to myself that maybe it's okay for me to get used to relying on his strength a little, just for now. "I love you," I tell him again, because I don't know what else to say without sounding like a complete idiot. He nods and kisses the top of my head. Still, I feel anxious. "Is this too fast?" 

Seiji rubs my back. "We have known each other for over ten years. I do not see how that is fast in any way." 

"But..." I blink, the fears rushing to the front of my heart now that Seiji knows with certainty that I love him. "I'm... scared. I always want to be friends with you."

"Me too. Always." He tilts my face up. "I appreciate you being cautious. But, Daichi..." 

Whatever words he was going to say die in his throat, and I see him lose confidence in them. Instead, he kisses me. It feels extremely good, knowing that he loves _me_ and not just the act of kissing me, so I let him push me down against the bed and I spread my legs, letting him lie down between them. This is okay. He doesn't have to say everything all at once, and I'm very okay with being kissed. The position that we're in is definitely suggestive, but Seiji doesn't rub against me or do anything more than kiss me, over and over, slow and gentle. Muscle memory kicking in, I move my hands from his back to his nipples, and he whimpers and bites gently on my lip, more of a warning than something sexy. Alright. I put my hands on his back and pull him against me, and the feeling of his body resting on mine, the pressure and weight of his smooth muscles... it's heaven. I love this. 

There's a small thread of saliva between our lips when he pulls away. Embarrassed, he wipes his lips. "Nothing." After a moment of looking at me, he shakes his head. "No. If you don't think this will work... please let me know, and we can stop. I... don't want to make you sad." 

I'm trying to catch my breath. "Do I look sad?" He shakes his head and smiles sheepishly. "Kiss me again." 

He does, and it takes the laundry machine going off to make me realize that I have to get ready for work.


	16. Chapter 16

The city lights look more luminous and shine beautifully as I leave work, groceries in hand. Night has descended, but I feel excited, like it's morning and the sun is shining. Like everything is going right. Thank god Yamamoto wasn't working with me tonight or I wouldn't have heard the end of it. 

Seiji and I cleaned my apartment a little before I left, but I didn't really have time to get everything done because of... distractions. He said that he would finish up for me, because his laundry was drying, anyway, so he probably wouldn't be able to go anywhere. I joked that maybe he should leave a set of clothes here for impromptu overnight sex sessions, and he closed his eyes and nodded in agreement, as if that was a surprisingly practical thing to say. I might still be thinking about that a little... Shaking my head, I walk towards the station. Work is only a few stops from my place, so it shouldn't take too long to get home. Every step that I take is another closer to Seiji, and it's making me more excited than it should. The implication... is that Seiji's staying over again. Absentmindedly, I put my hand up to my mouth, trying to control any images that might be flying through my head as I walk through the turnstile with my subway pass. We didn't do anything more than kiss before work, but, uh. He said those words, didn't he. And so did I. 

I don't really know what's going to happen next. It's not like we said that we're an item or anything. He just... loves me, and took me out on a date? Okay, jeez, that sounds really fucking stupid, and even I realize that. ...Wait. I stand still on the platform, recalling something. He asked if I'd had sex with anyone else not just because he wanted to make sure that he didn't need to get tested again, did he... that's kind of sneaky. Well, I'm still kind of scared to confirm that we're what I think we might be, because what if I'm wrong and misunderstood things, so maybe Seiji's the same way. I just want to be near him, more than anything. I'd like to be closer, but I'm happy to sacrifice that if I can remain by his side after we graduate. Who knows what will happen afterwards? Maybe this is just a temporary thing. I know that Seiji isn't the sort of guy to say something he doesn't mean, and he did say that he loves me, but maybe he's confused. Maybe the hotel confused us both, and we just want to be sure by having sex a few more times that no, we're actually straight and just really good friends. That could be the case. I wouldn't hate it if that was the case. Maybe my heart is racing because it's not something I should do, and because I know that Seiji deserves better... Or maybe because I just like the feeling of being physical with him even if there's nothing romantic there. 

There I go, thinking about having sex again, I realize as I step onto the train. At least it looks like Seiji is on the same page, but it does look like he wants to do nice things, too. Tonight isn't the night, but I should do something nice for Seiji after how great last night was. I can surprise him, too.

~*~

"Honey, I'm home~!"

"Where did you pick that one up." Seiji put on one of my t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants while I was out, but he doesn't look angry, just confused. "Welcome back." 

The apartment looks much cleaner than it was this morning. I look around... Seiji organized all my clothes and school supplies. Everything is tidy and in its place. The apartment smells lightly of disinfectant, too, and there's no trash anywhere. It looks like Seiji was very busy... or very bored. "Thanks. Wow, everything looks great! You're going to be a great husband someday. Man, I'm jealous of your future wife!" 

Seiji frowns and shakes his head, taking one of my bags. "Dinner?" 

"Yeah. Sorry, it's not fancy or anything, but I'd be a pretty shitty host if I didn't have anything for you to eat here." It's some kind of vegetable sandwich, but it didn't look bad to me, and I got him some curry rice, too. Options. (Well, I also felt like curry rice, so maybe I'm a little selfish.) Seiji looks pretty hungry, so we sit down and start eating. He takes the curry rice, so I'm glad that I got a portion for myself, too. The rest of the food goes in the fridge. 

We eat in silence. I keep trying to look at him, and I catch him looking at me, but we keep averting our gazes. I want to look at him, but the way it makes me feel when I do is a little uncomfortable. I don't know how to work around this awkwardness, of finally being open with how I feel about him, or as open as I can be right now. 

"Um." He looks up at me, his mouth half-filled with food. He tilts his head, because he can't talk with his mouth full. "I'm sorry for having you be cooped up in my room all day. That must have been pretty boring." 

Seiji swallows and shakes his head. "It was fine. I did some studying from my phone after I was done cleaning, so it wasn't a problem. Also..." he trails off. "It was good to clean your apartment for you. It made me much more familiar with the space."

"You didn't put my condoms in a weird place, did you?" 

He shakes his head. "You need to get new ones. They won't last much longer." 

"Oh, yeah... forgot about that." 

Suddenly, Seiji is embarrassed. He turns to the side. "Or... you don't need to get any." I stop eating, raising an eyebrow at him. I didn't lose his meaning, I don't think... he wants to have sex without condoms? I mean, I guess we could, if we're exclusive, and having sex without condoms does feel pretty fucking good... but that's kind of funny to say when we're eating. Though I guess I brought it up first. He sighs. "What has gotten into me..." 

This is so, so embarrassing, for both of us. I put my hand over his, looking at him apologetically. "It's okay, Seiji. I have said some really stupid things when I was super into some girls and really wanted to fuck them, so I understand." 

Seiji is still frowning. "I don't understand. I haven't ever said such foolish things to any of the women that I've cared for." 

"That's it, then." I pull my hand away, gesturing between bites of food. "I'm not a woman, I'm your best friend. Of course you'd treat me differently. I hope you know that I'd never judge you for what your dick wants, even if it's gross like you getting turned on by me pooping on your chest or something."

He scrunches up his nose. "Daichi, that's absolutely disgusting. I'm eating." 

"I didn't say I'd do it, because that's too much even for me, I said I wouldn't judge you. There's a difference." Fuck, now we're both making idiots out of ourselves. I stare hard into my curry. A grain of white rice is laying on top of the red sauce, somehow untouched. I poke at it, trying to get it drenched. It slides into its proper place, and I can't even pick out the grain that was a problem anymore. "How did studying go?" 

"Fine. I managed to do some research for my thesis and study." Clearly, he wasn't able to write on his phone, and I forgot to give him the password to my computer, but I guess he got a lot of reading. Man, Seiji's pretty incredible. I don't know if I'd be able to be patient enough to read major passages on my phone. A tablet, sure, but a phone? He looks up at me, smiling warmly to himself. Something melts in the pit of my stomach. "I found it difficult to concentrate, for some reason, but I must do my best." 

"I'm proud of you!" I'm done eating, so I stand up to get rid of the disposable packaging and clap his back. He lurches forward, but doesn't make any noise. "You're really the smartest guy I know, so I bet you absorbed all of that like a sponge!" He shrugs noncommittally. I want to rub my cheek against his forehead. This is the Azumi-kun that I became friends with, so I can't help but feel a little bit affectionate. Seiji is really so cool and so smart and so awesome... I ruffle his hair, and it's so soft. 

To my surprise, he reacts, closing his eyes and leaning into my touch. "Mmm. It wasn't anything, really..." 

I want to keep petting him, but I have trash in my hand, so I stop, untangling my fingers from a few strands so I can walk over to the trash can and get rid of my garbage. "I still think it's pretty cool. It's hard for me to concentrate outside of a few designated places, so it's amazing to me that you can apply yourself and learn anywhere, doing anything. I bet if you were trapped on the moon, you could memorize the entire encyclopedia by yourself!"

Seiji ponders for a moment. "If I was trapped on the moon, then there would be little to do aside from that..." He wipes his face with a napkin and takes a sip of water. All of his food is gone, so I take his trash and throw it away, too. 

"I'd be kind of sad if you went to the moon... it takes a while for messages to get sent back and forth, right? I'd stay up all night waiting for you, if I had to." 

He shakes his head and laughs. "Thank you. I'm glad that I can rely on you, as always." I sit back down, next to him this time. The air feels thicker around him, so many unsaid things despite our confession this morning. Perhaps because of it. "Although... I really am not that much smarter than you. The glasses don't add anything," he jokes. I smile, a little sheepish, and he continues seriously. "You are very smart when you apply yourself. Your students are going to learn a lot from you. I know that I have." 

"That's only because you learn better when you try teaching someone else." I'm embarrassed, but it does feel good to get praised by Seiji. 

"Perhaps." 

We turn to each other at the same time, and then turn away at the same time. There's a lump in my throat, beating in time with my heart. "Um, I'm going to brush my teeth and change." 

Is it my imagination, or is Seiji a little pink...? "Alright." 

It's adorable. I can't help myself. "I'll be right back. It's late, so let's get ready for bed." I kiss his forehead, very quickly, trying to be casual, and beeline for the bathroom. Seiji sighs as I close the door behind me. 

I avoid my own gaze in the mirror. Gah. It's clear that we've both been thinking about sex all day... what am I going to do? I know now that it probably won't hurt him, but... I'm still nervous. I don't want either of us to get upset, I just want it to feel good and I want to feel close to him, and I want him to feel good too, better than whatever I feel, because he deserves only the best. I don't know why he has picked me of all people, but if it's going to be me, then I should use all my skills to their fullest. But... I really don't want to make him cry again. I probably will see him cry again. That's just the reality of it. But I don't want to be the cause of it, whenever I can avoid it. 

I'm still not sure what I should do, exactly, when I rinse my mouth out. Well... I guess I should prepare, just in case. I pull down my pants and wash off my junk so Seiji doesn't complain about any smell, and put on fresh deodorant. We might not do anything, but better safe than sorry. 

Seiji is sitting in bed, his legs folded underneath him, when I get back. The only difference is that now, his glasses are off. Seeing me, he stands up. "I'll go now," he tells me. I nod, letting him pass me. He smells a little bit like me, because he's wearing my clothes... I close my eyes and curse my dick. Calm down, I'm not able to touch him yet, and you're not getting any attention right now. 

As I change, I turn on the TV. There's a show about how the new year was celebrated across the world today, so I keep that on. The last parts of the world celebrated the new year hours ago, so there's nothing new, but I missed most of it because I wasn't home. I wonder if Seiji watched any of it. I always thought that the ball dropping in New York was pretty cool... maybe I can take Seiji at some point. It looks much colder over there than it is over here, but I wouldn't mind. That makes it a little more exciting, in a way. And, so many people kiss as the fireworks go off...

"Did you want to stay up later, or are we going to bed now?" 

I startle out of my thoughts as Seiji sneaks up behind me. I spin around, and he looks only moderately curious. "I don't know, how tired are you?" 

He shrugs. "I wouldn't mind turning off the lights." ...I think he's acting more casual than he feels. I'm a little nervous, too... and a little excited. 

"Okay." As Seiji climbs into bed, I turn off the TV, flick the light switch, and, not having to think about tripping over anything this time, slide in next to him. His back is facing me. "Seiji...?" I start to ask a question, but Seiji answers before I can say anything by reaching behind and pulling one of my arms around him. Alright. 

We lie like that in silence for... I don't know how long. Maybe it's the blankets, maybe it's because I haven't slept with another person aside from Seiji in a while, but my bed seems a lot hotter than usual. Hotter than when I'm by myself... hotter than last night. I think Seiji feels it too, because his breath is coming quicker, not slow like it does from sleep. He is the one who closes the gap between us, pressing his ass against my crotch and grinding against me, once to make sure, and then slowly but rhythmically when he feels that I'm half-hard. I sigh and kiss the side of his neck, because I wanted this, too, carefully moving my hand down from his stomach. I rub my palm against the front of his sweatpants - he's about the same as me. His breath catches in his throat and he whimpers as I slide my hand inside of them and touch him through the thin fabric of the boxers he's borrowing. He reacts immediately to my touch, shivering and pressing against me harder as his dick twitches. 

My hand freezes in place. "Seiji." I'm suddenly not sure. Sensing my apprehension, Seiji turns around. I rest my hand against his hip. It's hard to read his facial features in the dark, but his breath is hot against my cheek. "I... I want to do this, but I'm nervous." 

Seiji tries to kiss me, but he misses. His lips hit the bridge of my nose, but that's okay. I can kiss him later. "We do not need to do everything tonight. I thought, maybe..." He puts his hand inside of my pants. "This." I sigh, slowly, as his fingers wrap around me. I'm not completely hard yet but it probably won't be long - Seiji's hand is soft, but his grip is firm, unyielding when he wants to be. 

My breath is shaky, but I think I can give Seiji an answer. I press my forehead against his nod, rubbing our noses together as I slide my hand underneath two waistbands. My fist doesn't fit very well in there (I know from experience), so I pull down his pants until they do. "Tell me to stop if this is bad, okay?" After making a noise in agreement, he places his left hand on my face. His fingers almost get in my mouth, but he moves them away just in time. Lightly, he strokes my cheek, and that almost feels better than his hand on my dick. As I think that to myself, he starts moving, gently squeezing at the base as he begins to jerk me off. It feels different than when I do it myself, but his touch feels really good... "Ahh," I gasp as I begin on him, too, rubbing my thumb against his urethra when I slide up. 

Confident that he knows where my lips are, Seiji kisses me. Once, sweetly, directly on the lips, as his hand speeds up slightly. My hand chases his, stroking him harder, until I feel him moan against my mouth. I take my opportunity and make out with him as we touch each other, rocking my hips into his hand as I lick the roof of his mouth. He thrusts into my hand in return, urging me to go faster. "Daichi," he sighs between fevered kisses. "Daichi..." 

I'm panting, my voice rising in my throat as Seiji touches me, his fingers gripping me tightly as he moves my foreskin up and down. "Seiji," I whisper, kissing him. God, I want to get between his legs when he moans like that, but I don't want to go there yet. But, maybe... "I want to put you in my mouth," I offer, still moving my hand at a steady and even rhythm, trying to match his as he grinds against my palm. 

He shakes his head. "Just this for now. Stay focused." 

Now, it dawns on me. This is intentional, isn't it? We can work up slowly, trying to forget anything bad by replacing those memories with this instead. I slow down a little. "I just want to make sure... are you okay?" 

"Yeah," he grunts, and then groans when I add pressure to his frenulum with my fingers. 

I hope that my lips on his neck tell him that I love him and that I want him to feel like he can tell me anything, that he doesn't need to hide from me. He shakes and all I want to do is hold him tightly, to stop his shivering and protect him. I know he's feeling good, and I'm feeling good too, but it's moments like these, when he's vulnerable beneath my hands, that I remember how powerful I am, how lucky I am to be able to see Seiji like this. I can't say how long this will last, but I want to make it as good for Seiji as possible until we have to part ways as lovers and go back to being friends. So, for now, I'm being selfish. 

He gasps in surprise when I flip him on his back, without skipping a beat, and twist my hand slightly as I move it up and down, faster and faster. His tongue melts against mine as soon as he understands, and focuses his attention on the head of my dick as I thrust into his hand, trying to rub the ridge of my glans and smear his fingers with my precum as I go. I can't see him super clearly, but my eyes have adjusted to the dark by now, and I can see his knitted eyebrows and tears at the corners of his eyes. I don't have much opportunity to check if he's okay, because he immediately pulls me back down against him with his spare hand, seeking my lips with his greedy tongue until we're entwined again. My head is spinning and my heart is singing something quietly to itself, so glad that I can do this with my best friend, so happy that he's eager to touch me too. Okay with waiting for the day when we can do more. This is fine... this is really good. 

Seiji's dick is twitching hard in my hand. He's going to come. "It's okay," I say between kisses. "Come for me." After a few hard thrusts, he moans against my lips and tenses his entire body, his cum spurting against my palm as I catch it with my hand. Fuck. I rock into his hand too and come maybe five seconds after him, his jizz still collecting in my closed fist as he coaxes mine out of me. He isn't clutching me very hard at this point, so most of my cum lands on his exposed stomach. Despite Seiji having a head start, we finish around the same time. I kind of want to collapse on him, but I also want to admire my handiwork. 

I pull the blinds up about halfway, so the light from the street shines on Seiji's body. My cum glistens on his skin, and his hair is a mess, completely ruffled and sticking out in weird places. It's not like him, but that makes it even more adorable. I'm pretty happy. He's breathless, dazed, caught in the afterglow. 

I have a silly idea that I can't help but want to try. 

Without warning, I let Seiji's cum drip from my hand onto his stomach. This breaks him out of it, slightly. "What are you doing...?" I'm not going to answer him yet. I mix our jism together, the sticky fluid coating my fingers, and then... carefully, probably more carefully than I should or need to be, I draw two big dots and a curved line underneath. Not to toot my own horn, but it is pretty cute, even if it is kind of sloppy. 

"Your tummy is happy now! You should take a look at it, because we were able to do this together." 

I think Seiji's at a loss. His eyes are still out of focus, but he looks down at his stomach in bewilderment. "Why..." 

He doesn't seem angry, just confused. I laugh shyly. "Well... I'm happy that I was able to have sex with you like that." 

Seiji closes his eyes, his breath finally steady. "You could have just told me. You made quite the mess." Instead of grabbing my tissues right away, though, he does something I would have never expected. He scoops up some with his pointer finger, and returns the gesture (on a smaller scale) on the back of my hand. "Now we're even." 

I help wipe him down, and try to clean my hands as best as I can. "Do you want to take a shower?" 

After a moment of thinking, he shakes his head. "No. The sheets are dirty. We should clean them tomorrow, but this is fine for tonight." 

"Okay." I yawn, collapsing down in bed next to him. He laughs softly to himself and holds my hand. This is nerve-wracking, but coming down off of sex makes it easier, for some reason. Might be my tiredness as well. I didn't realize how sleepy I was beforehand... I guess the adrenaline was the only thing keeping me going. "I'm really happy, Seiji." 

"Me too." He leans his face into my shoulder. "Go to sleep. I'll be here with you in the morning." 

There's something about Seiji's voice that makes me want to follow every instruction and every word perfectly. I don't think I stay awake longer than another minute or two before slipping into a deep, comfortable sleep, not even managing to tell him that I love him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The smiley face made out of cum started out as a joke with a friend but I can't... not see Daichi doing that...
> 
> Also, I'm really, really sorry about the delay, guys. I've been very depressed and still am, so updates might be slow for a while. I promise I'm not giving up and abandoning this fic, it's just hard to muster the energy to write at the moment. Thank you for your patience. I'm sure I'll be better soon.


	17. Chapter 17

"Daichi, you listening to me man? You're distracted as hell tonight."

Ah. So I am. My mind keeps wandering, thinking about other things and other times, but I probably should be paying attention to Hino. "Sorry. I'm a little sleepy or something... my teaching job doesn't start for another month and I don't have classes anymore, so I've been working really hard and picked up another temp job." That's not the reason why I'm tired, and definitely not the reason why I'm having trouble concentrating, and I think Hino knows it, but he's being patient with me. Thanks, Hino. I can count on you to be a bro.

He shrugs. "I get that you're paying off loans and shit, but you gotta do it at your own pace."

"My own pace is getting stuff done as soon as possible. I don't get why people would want to have debt over their head for too long."

Hino raises an eyebrow at my first statement, and we both know what that look means, but neither of us say anything about it. "Suit yourself, dude. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but don't work so hard that you can't be there for the kids, you know? I get that it means a lot to you that you were able to snag your dream job after just two interviews, so don't mess it up."

"Yeah, of course. I'm not going to do anything that would make me a bad teacher, and I already told my jobs that I'm stopping work in April." I lean my cheek against my left hand, swirling my lemon sour with my right. "Kinda weird thinking that I'm not going to be working at the convenience store anymore. I've worked there so long... but I guess that phase of my life is over now." My friend looks slightly apprehensive. He's been weirdly attentive tonight. Hino is a good guy, and he picks up on stuff pretty fast, but he's kind of... I don't know, spacey is the wrong word, but he sort of glides through life sometimes. I'm not saying that he's got a cushy life or anything, but he can smile his way out of most of his problems. Tonight, though, he's on edge, trying to read my face and my body language. Too bad I'm thinking about someone else's body - stop that, Daichi. "Were you going to say something?"

With a self-depreciating laugh, Hino shrugs. "I guess a lot is changing. Spring is coming, so lots of things are new again."

—Mmm. I swallow and take a sip of my drink, in hopes that I can focus on my friend in front of me instead of the man underneath me last night, his hot breath on my cheek and the feeling of—ugh, I try to shake my head as subtly as I can. "Yeah. It's kinda scary sometimes, right?"

Hino doesn't say anything. I don't get why he's worried. He's continuing his schooling a little longer, to follow his dream of being a nurse. I think he'd be good at it. He has a good bedside manner, and can tell it like it is when he needs to, but never in a mean way. He still hasn't directly asked me about Seiji, although I'm pretty sure that it's blatantly obvious that something is going on between us at this point. We haven't told anybody, but... It's the middle of March, so I guess that means we've been together for two months now.

Together... we were always together, but now it's different, kind of. In a way, nothing has changed. Seiji and I don't live together, even though he moved. We only see each other a few times a week, and we had more sex before we got together than after the new year. I don't mind. I want Seiji to feel safe. I want him to feel good, and slowing things down is helping me realize some things about him, and making me realize that I can feel close to him without that sort of touch. It's weird. In the past, I thought that sex and staying together longer than a month felt like forever and that we're serious, but I feel like I'm just getting started with Seiji. I'm seeing new sides of him, learning intimately how he keeps his fridge stocked and noticing that he keeps stuff in there just for me. That he turns off the water when he's shampooing. Seeing that he will gladly stay up past when he normally goes to bed so he an spend time with me, and his sleepy, smiling face when he wakes up from hearing my phone alarm going off. Just... my heart feels funny. I was never sick of spending time with him, and I missed him sometimes when we weren't together, but I miss Seiji right now, a little, even though I know that I'm going back to his place after I'm done with Hino. Hino doesn't have to know that, though. He taps his fingers against the side of the glass with a nervous agitation. I haven't seen him like this many time before. He's pretty laid back and doesn't really let things get to him. "Hey, is something bugging you?"

He laughs anxiously. "That's one way to put it. So uh, Daichi." He leans in, a little conspiratorially. "I've been chickening out, but I think now's a good time." I tilt my head. "I think I'm going to ask Aoi to marry me."

"Huh? Really?" I'm a little surprised. Hino's been seeing Aoi for about a year, and I can tell that he's serious about her, but... I don't know, I never expected him to be the first of my close friends to get married. Kind of surprising that he's getting married at all, because he doesn't really seem like the type, but it doesn't look like he's joking. "That's pretty cool! But, you seem nervous? Is something wrong?"

"I'm afraid she'll say no," he says matter-of-factly. "I'm pretty crazy about her, but... who knows, right? Women are so picky these days. Maybe I'm just boyfriend material and not fit to be a husband yet, I'm not even out of school and she's got her own career. I don't know if I can support her like that." 

I shrug. "She is older than you. It's not exactly a bad thing that there's already some income coming in, and with luck, you'll be able to work in the same hospital. You work hard, so I think it's possible." I smile at him and pat his shoulder. "You haven't even asked yet, so you won't know until you do. You should do it if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her." 

An image of Seiji crosses the back of my mind, the way he was on Valentine's Day. We didn't do very couple-y stuff that day, because I think Seiji can tell that I'm nervous about looking like a couple in public still, but he laughed softly to himself as we walked around the city together, and he looked handsome and gentle when we sat across from each other at the izakaya. He smiles more. And he seems more assured, fidgets less. He is bolder than he used to be around me, which is a really welcome surprise. Seiji doesn't do anything lightly. I was slightly startled, when we got back to my apartment, when he pinned me against the door and kissed me, but it was certainly not unwelcome, and the sight of his flushed face in the half-light is something that I'm having issues banishing from my mind, not that I want to, not that I ever want to forget anything about Seiji. Not the warmth and pressure of his lips, or the grip of his hands on my wrists, or how his pupils dilated as he looked at me. Not his teeth on my neck. His heartbeat thrumming against mine when he hugged me. _I wanted to kiss you,_ he told me, and that was enough. He may have wanted more, but we have been restraining ourselves a little. 

When Seiji wanted to touch me and be touched in ways that weren't sexual, I was pretty confused at first. I have always hugged him, but things like... resting his head on my shoulder, placing my hand over his when we watch movies at my apartment, his hands slowly rubbing my back when we lie in bed together. I wasn't really used to these things, from him or even from my girlfriends, really. We touched and talked and had fun, but there wasn't this sort of casual touch, an assurance that we can rely on and trust each other. I didn't know things like that could feel so good. I thought I was always a really horny person or something, but maybe I just wanted to be touched nicely and, well, having sex is nice. But cuddling with Seiji is better than I could have expected, and I actually don't feel like I need to have sex with him as much as I did with my exes. He doesn't always smile broadly when we're holding each other, but I can tell that he's happy. It makes my stomach fluttery, thinking that I make Seiji happy too. I don't know why he'd lie about it, and Seiji is pretty bad at lying anyway, so I know that he means it when he tells me that he's glad that we spent the day together. That he's happy to see me in the morning, when I wake up to him petting my head. That he... We haven't used the words much. Maybe a dozen times, because I think we're still nervous. But... I have no reason to disbelieve him when he tells me that he loves me. 

My heart feels tight and I look back over at Hino. There's a complex look on his face. "I do, I think. It's just weird, you know? It's like, I still feel like a brat because I'm going to school and I'm getting in debt too although I'm trying not to think about it, and on top of that I'm thinking about making it worse by getting married too? What the hell am I doing, man..."

"Your instincts are pretty good, Hino. Just do what your heart tells you, I do the same stuff all the time." Kind of. I'm chickening out too, but he probably half-knows already. 

He nods and looks down at his phone for a second, checking something. "Sorry, I need to reply to this." I stare at the menu boards on the wall and my thoughts rush back to last night —

We were getting ready for bed in Seiji's new apartment, that he's lived in for less than a month, and he said something that surprised me. "I think I'm ready." I looked back at him, not sure what he meant at first, and understanding when he started stripping in front of me, removing his shirt suggestively and pulling his pants only down to his hips. I am not used to this yet, even though I've seen him naked dozens of times... I'm not used to him making those eyes at me, purposefully taking off his clothes in a way that he knows turns me on, and then saying that he's... ready. We'd avoided doing any penetration (except for a couple of bjs, and not to toot my own horn but I've gotten pretty good at swallowing) for while we were getting used to the concept of dating, so... 

"You sure?" I touched his cheek and looked into his eyes, slightly concerned. We'd tried a few times before, but we've both had to tell the other to stop at different times. That was more of a heat of the moment thing, though... and last night, Seiji had come to me, asking for it. And he confirmed, by nodding and kissing my palm. My face felt warm. "Well... tell me if it's bad and I'll stop right away, okay?" 

He shook his head. "I want you," he whispered, and any doubts that he was serious left my mind. 

I got down to my t-shirt and boxers and we laid down on the bed together. For some reason, I couldn't find it in myself to touch him, even though I wanted to. Maybe I was scared of breaking him, or something. So Seiji put my hand on his chest and kissed me, slowly wrapping one of his legs around my hips. Seiji knows how to trigger my instincts, because I pushed him back on the bed and kissed him back, gently stroking his bare chest. It wasn't like we did anything really special last night, just went on a run and then watched some TV together while eating dinner, but Seiji was seriously horny. He poked me as I deepened the kiss, his briefs doing nothing to hide his raging boner as I rubbed and tweaked his nipples. "Daichi..." he whined as I pulled away, his lips wet and slightly parted. Smiling, I leaned my forehead against his. That simple touch, I've learned, grounds him pretty easily when he is starting to lose himself. He sighed and smiled back, nuzzling my face. It's strange being this affectionate with Seiji, but it feels right. 

Carefully, I sat up and pulled down his briefs. His dick was pretty hard, for not being touched at all, and his body warm and inviting. Ah. I really wanted to touch him. I grabbed some lube that I realized Seiji had put by the side of the bed (thank you for thinking ahead, as always) and put it next to him before my hands moved their way down from his chest. I love the way his skin moves over his muscles as he breathes, and how his stomach tightens when I touch him in ways that he likes. I looked up at him, and he narrowed his eyes, analyzing me. I grinned, a little shy but very excited, and pulled down his underwear. His cock sprung to full attention, which was a little funny and very cute. "What did I do to cause this?" I poked it with my finger as I shimmied down between his legs. 

He looked away, slightly embarrassed. "Nothing. Just being yourself." That was pretty cute. I wanted to reward him for being so adorable. Carefully, I looked up at him, not doing anything until our eyes met. He glanced down at me, and I immediately put the first third of his dick in my mouth and started sucking. "Daichi!" His eyebrows scrunched and he started panting, and I could tell by the way he was gritting his teeth that he wanted to start thrusting inside my mouth. I was getting pretty horny myself listening to Seiji call out my name, but I wanted to take my time. 

I pulled off of him, a strand of saliva breaking between my lips and his dick, and smiled. "I'm going to make you feel good. Be patient, okay?" Seiji groaned, covering his face. I'm not sure if it was in frustration or shame, but his boner wasn't letting up and I really did want to make him feel good. Carefully, I coated my fingers with lube, and rubbed some on his asshole, warming it up. He sighed, already pretty relaxed, and sharply inhaled when I slid a finger in. "You alright?" He nodded at me, petting my head in reassurance, and I kissed the side of his cock as I started fucking him with my finger. It twitched under my lips, and I took it as an invitation. Looking up at him, I slid in another finger. It was so hot inside, and really tight at first, and stretching him out made me feel weirdly powerful. Especially as he trembled below me, his adam's apple bobbing up and down as I fingered him. I licked the sweat off his stomach and he whined, low and long, and tried pushing my head down to his dick. "Not yet," I told him, stretching my fingers apart as I thrust in and out. 

The moans Seiji made were exquisite, thick and sweet as honey. So delicious that I could have drank them. 

—"So, uh." Hino looks up from his phone. "I think I'm going to start looking around for rings tonight."

I turn back to him and smile, half-dreamy from last night but understanding what he meant. "Congrats!" I raise my glass and cheer, and, with a shy laugh, Hino does the same. 

"Sorry if I was stupid, I just worry, you know?" 

"Don't worry about it, it's a big deal so of course you're worried. You gotta treat your lady right and I get that you're worried about timing. But, if you put it off too long, she also might not think you're interested." I shrug. "You've been together a year, which isn't unheard of, but it's not weird to wait longer if you need to."

"Yeah, thanks." He leans back and looks at me. "So. How are things with you?" 

I raise an eyebrow. "I told you, I'm good." 

"That's not what I meant." He takes a drink. "I mean, you getting along with Seiji?" 

—I've learned how to take it when Seiji bucks up into my mouth, and try to coordinate my tongue with my fingers. There are three inside of him, spread and opening him, and he can't help himself. I have more restraint than he does, and I think it's a little cute that he's enjoying himself so much that he can't stop from thrusting into my mouth. "Nnn..." His skin is flushed all over, and if I wasn't sucking his dick, I'd be kissing and licking it everywhere I think he'd let me. His arms, calves, insides of his thighs, stomach, right over his chest, his neck, and his face one more time. "I'm gonna come," he gasped, and instead of pulling away so I could come with him, inside of him, I continued, sucking harder and trying to put his dick as deep into my mouth as possible. I gagged lightly when I got down to the base of his dick and pressed hard against his prostate, and he gripped onto my hair as he came. The tugging felt good and I swallowed as fast as I could, because I know how good it feels and it doesn't really taste that bad when he comes in my throat as opposed to my mouth. 

When I was sure he was done, I pulled out my fingers and looked up at him. "Felt good?" 

He nodded, panting. "Your turn." 

I shook my head. "Nah, I think I'm done." It surprised me a little, too, but, even though I was hard, I didn't really feel like coming anymore. Seeing Seiji get off was enough for me. He tried pulling down my boxers, but I repeated no, and he stopped. "It's alright. There's always another day." 

—"I mean, it's not like you guys are hanging out any less or anything, but you always seem to dodge the subject when we hang out. Hell, it's not even just me, it's everybody. You take pictures of Seiji all the time but you don't ever talk to anybody about him. It's weird and super suspicious, dude." 

"What's weird about hanging out with your best friend?"

Hino gave me a complete deadpan look that he saves for when Miwa and me are being extra stupid. "It's weird when he's got hickeys in some of the pictures." 

—Seiji pulled me on top of him and kissed me, fondly, affectionately, and patted my back. "May I do one thing?"

—"...And it's weird that you have hickeys a lot too, lately. I haven't ever heard you talking about any girls, and normally you can't shut up about who you're dating." 

I touch my neck. "It's a bug bite." 

"Uh-huh. And you're definitely going back to your apartment after this, and you're definitely not thinking about sex right now." I shrug, knowing that it looks exactly like how it is, and he sighs. "I think Seiji's a good guy, for what it's worth, but I just. I dunno, it's weird that you're trying to hide it. It makes me worry that he's stringing you along like the rest of your exes have and you deserve better than that." 

—He looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry that I couldn't make you come, too." 

I waved my hand. "Don't worry about it. It's not like this is the last time... I hope." 

I stroked his back and he buried his face against my chest, breathing in and sighing softly. "I don't know what I did to deserve you," he whispered to himself. 

"I don't know why you talk like that. You're the catch, not me." I ruffled his hair. "Mister civil servant." 

He sat up and looked down at me, his eyes serious. "I just went with the flow. You carved out your own path. That is much more admirable." 

I smiled at him and rubbed his arm. "The path I take always has you in it. Always has." The shape of his face was outlined in the light of the streetlamps outside. 

—Sheepishly, I smile, rubbing my neck. There's really only one way I can answer. 

"We're getting along fine, Hino. Everything is going just fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient with me. Updates will be a little more sporadic than they had been before, but the fic is winding down anyway so hopefully you should not be kept in suspense for much longer. I appreciate your comments and kudos that I've received since I last updated, it means a lot to me. 
> 
> I'm also dedicating this chapter to hamu/@daichisnut, because she was one of the people who really encouraged me to write this and it's her birthday today. Happy birthday my friend!


	18. Chapter 18

The click of Seiji's door as it unlocks is music to my ears. He was nice enough to give me a spare key to his apartment, which I'm trying to not read too much into, but... It's nice to be able to stop by whenever and be able to see him. "Seiji, I'm home~." 

He's sitting down at the table, drinking tea and reading something on his tablet. "Hello," he says without looking up. "How was seeing Hino?" 

I sit down next to him and hug him, squeezing tightly and taking in his unique scent. He wears a different cologne every season, rich kid that he is, and he's transitioning to something a little less musky and more... light? Kind of floral, kind of citrusy and peppery. It smells good, and mixes well with his body chemistry. Goes with spring, too. I think he has a matching bar of soap to go with it. Just like Seiji to make sure everything matches and is in its place. Seiji doesn't flinch at my contact, but does lift his eyes from his tablet to slowly blink at me. "It was good. It's always nice to catch up with an old friend, and it had been way too long. I gotta remember to talk to him more." Hm... I didn't realize it at first, but Seiji's blushing a little and his skin is warmer than usual. Is he sick? Truth be told, I think I'm at the point where I'm okay with risking being sick if it means that I get to kiss Seiji. I've been trying out this thing the past two or so weeks where I kiss him on the cheek every time I see him. His skin is really soft and feels nice... He doesn't have a lot of facial hair naturally, so I don't have to deal with the scratchy 5 o'clock shadow that he has to every so often on days that I'm lazy. Plus, he's a lot more fastidious about his appearance than I am anyway. Sorry, Seiji. "You know, there is something special about being able to come home to your best friend, though." With that, I fulfill my internal promise, kissing his cheek and letting go of the hug. 

"...Mm." Seiji sighs softly to himself, scrunching up his eyebrows. 

Something's up. I'm going to try to joke it off. "Did you miss me?" I ask in a sing-song voice, rubbing my face against his neck. 

"Yes," he answers, without missing a beat. A little surprised with the boldness and straightforwardness of his answer, even now, I look up at him. His expression is soft, but there's a quiet hunger in his eyes. Oh. "I was waiting for you." 

I stand up. "I'm, uh, just getting some water." Seiji closes his eyes and shakes his head. I look away. "Um, that was a joke but I missed you too." I grab a water bottle from the fridge. "I... was thinking about you a lot, today." 

"Last night." I inhale, staring at the leftovers in front of me. Here we go. Seiji seems about equally reluctant and overexcited to tell me what he's feeling. Probably wants me to read his mind so he doesn't have to say stuff aloud, but we have told each other that it's probably better to communicate what we want after that final night in Okinawa, and Christmas Eve. His words come slowly, calculated. "It was good, but I want more." I turn around and he's staring up at me. "Please let me make you feel as good as I felt last night."

Seiji... Please don't look at me like that, I just came home and I probably smell not the greatest and need to pee and get hydrated. I'm gonna get hard if you keep staring, your lips slightly parted and your eyes slowly dilating. "Well... Okay, but can we wait a little bit? I want to take a shower and stuff first." 

Rocking gently from side to side, Seiji nods. "That's fine. I would appreciate it if I could do it tonight, but I can absolutely wait if you are not ready yet." 

I shake my head. "No, I'm ready, I just wanna relax a little first and make sure that you won't be grossed out by my dank man stink." It's kind of funny seeing Seiji hornier than me, but... seeing him horny and, knowing that he was thinking about having sex with me all day is making my dick wake up. I'm not exactly sure what he wants to do, but if I'm right, then I definitely want to be physically prepared. "I'm going to check Faithbook and then take a shower, kay?" He nods and goes back to reading, leaning his cheek against his fist as he slowly scrolls. 

When I find myself looking at Seiji more than I am checking up on my friends (carefully watching the minute changes in his facial expression as he reads, mild displeasure and surprise), I finish the bottle of water, quietly put it in recycling, and sneak off into the bathroom. It's bigger than mine, by a little, but a couple dozen centimeters does wonders in small spaces. The larger shower is a definite improvement especially, I note to myself as I undress and turn on the tap. If we were to take a shower together, it might not feel so crowded as it would back at my place... I shake my head and wash off, using the body wash and shampoo that I left here for whenever I visit. I like smelling like Seiji, sometimes, but there's a comfort in using familiar things, too. Familiar things, things that I am becoming accustomed to. Like coming here a few times a week, like a second home. Seeing Seiji as much as I have. His smile more and more often. Not really thinking about either of us getting married so much anymore, freaking out about hypothetical futures where we never see each other. I still worry sometimes, but... Seiji's with me. I'm not in a fit place to have a wife when I'm thinking about Seiji like this, and, I mean. It'd be nice, but, for some reason, it doesn't seem as attractive to me anymore. I just want to worry about Seiji for now, making him happy for as long as I can. If something else happens, I guess I can worry about it later. 

Okay... I think that should be good. Hair's squeaky clean and I made sure my dick and surrounding areas are basically sparkling. I don't smell like sweat or drinking either, just like clean water and soap. I'm like, not quite half hard, but that's not a problem, I guess. I wonder if I should even bother getting dressed... I sniff my shirt. Nah, probably not. I wrap a towel around my waist (man, Seiji's got really fluffy towels) and check myself in the mirror one last time before I head out. Ah, should brush my teeth. I wipe the fog off and check myself as I'm brushing. Not bad. I think I look a little tired, but I don't have any zits or stray hairs from messy shaving. 

When I open up the door, I see that Seiji is already sitting on the bed, wearing a long-sleeve pajama top and just his briefs, his legs crossed as he reads. He looks up at me, acknowledging my entrance to the main room, then narrows his eyes and looks me over. I take a deep breath and walk to the bed, carefully sitting next to him on the edge of the futon. "So..." I trail off, fidgeting with the towel. There's a weird sort of tension, but it's warm, wanted, exciting as we lock eyes, and suddenly broken as he holds my face and kisses me, wasting no time in deepening the kiss as soon as it's reciprocated. I'm waiting for his lead, wrapping my arms around him loosely as we kiss, his tongue against the back of my front teeth. He pulls away and I open my eyes slightly, just in time to see his intense stare as he pushes me down. 

Okay... this is what I thought he meant. It's Seiji, and I've thought a lot about him being inside me since last time, and I'm kind of excited for him to feel him again. Having sex with Seiji is intense and awesome either way, but it's kind of refreshing to be in a more vulnerable position, sometimes. I untangle myself from him and open up the towel, which Seiji then discards from the bed and grasps my hips. I think I could get drunk off the way he's looking at me, from the way his thumbs rub my hipbones. "Is this okay?" I nod, and Seiji gives me a little smile. "Don't worry. I'll take it slow and take care of you." A gasp dies in my throat as Seiji leans in and kisses the hickey he put on me last night, the pressure of his body making blood rush to my extremities. I whimper long and slow and caress his hair. I want him. Our techniques are a little different, but that's what makes this exciting. If it was me, I'd be kissing Seiji all over, but he's more precise - he kisses exactly where he knows that I'll appreciate it most. He gives the hickey a light suck and my heart hammers as his lips pull away. He moves lower, not kissing but tracing the shape of my abdomen with his fingers. "You've gained some weight since January," he says bluntly. It's maybe a little funny that neither of us will admit out loud that we're dating, even though that's pretty obviously what we're doing, but I understand what he means. 

"That's kind of normal," I return. "Plus, it's hard to say no to your food. I never knew that veggies could taste so good by themselves!" 

"Seasoning." Seiji nuzzles my chest as he rubs my sides, his fingers now able to slightly dig in where there was no give before. I haven't gotten fat, exactly, but I'm able to fill out clothes that I couldn't before. "I'm glad. You look healthier." I guess he did have a point when he kept nagging me about my diet in the past. I do feel a lot better now that I'm eating Seiji's food more often, and not as much pre-packaged junk. I'm working hard, but I feel like it's easier to put in 110% than it used to, and I'll probably need the energy when I start teaching... soon. 

His face hovers above my hips and I hold my breath in anticipation, and shakily breathe out when he kisses my inner thighs. "Seiji..." I want to guide him to my dick, but he's making his way on his own time. Carefully, he cups my balls in his hand and very gently squeezes them. "Nnn." Seiji doesn't deepthroat like I do, but he has other ways of getting me off that are maybe even more effective. As I think this, he sticks out his tongue and gives me one long lick, from the base halfway up the shaft. He glances at me, curious to my reaction, and, seeming satisfied with my flustered face, returns his attention to what he was doing. It's not great for actually jizzing, but the visual can't be beat. The licks get shorter as they travel upwards, and his tongue more pointed, and I feel my breath involuntarily quickening. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have laughed if someone asked if getting head from my best friend would have turned me on. ...Laughed, and probably secretly pushed away images both wanted and unwanted in my head before going to sleep that night, trying to block out any noise with memories of having sex with my ex. 

Well, anyway, this is stupid hot and Seiji is getting turned on by it too, his breath hotter and hotter against me the closer he gets to the glans. He doesn't neglect my balls, either - for the most part, he's just holding them, but he carefully rubs his thumb against them whenever he takes short breaks from licking. I can't see his briefs from this angle, but I'm pretty sure they must be bulging slightly. He's panting as he reaches the tip, and I clench one of my fists in the sheets and hiss as he slowly slides his pointed tongue across my urethra. Worried, he looks up at me and removes his hand from my junk. "Bad?" 

I shake my head and pet his hair in reassurance. "It feels really good. Keep going." He leans into my touch, accepting my affection almost like a cat. I think he's too embarrassed to say it out loud, but he looks really happy when I pet him like this. The relaxed smile he gives me as he leans his cheek into my hand before kissing it is enough to tell me that he loves the feeling of my fingers running through his hair. 

He leans his face down, back at my crotch, and I untangle my hand from his head. "Lube, please." 

"Sure." I reach over and grab some from the side of the bed. 

After taking the bottle, he slathers some all over the palm of his left hand. He peeks a glance up at me to say one thing before looking back at my cock. "Don't hesitate if it feels bad or is too much." 

"Yeah, same for y-nnngh," I whimper as he starts again, tracing his tongue around the ridge of the glans. One hand gripping the base of my dick and the other holding my balls, he flicks his tongue against my urethra again before finally putting his mouth around me. No part of my dick feels neglected. I'm kind of impressed at how quickly Seiji learned how to give good blowjobs. After a few seconds of getting accustomed to having my cock in his mouth, he moves his lubed hand up the shaft as he slides down on me, sucking lightly as he works my dick. "Holy shit," I gasp. Seiji hums low in the back of his throat as he sucks, contented, slowly building up a rhythm with his hand and his mouth. He's able to mimic the feeling of thrusting pretty well even though I'm not moving at all. He's doing a good job, a really good job, but he's definitely feeling it - after a minute or two, his hips start rocking from side to side. He wants to be touched, too. "Seiji," I murmur, "I'd suck you too if you want." 

He shakes his head and slides his mouth off of me to answer. "I don't want to finish that fast." He kisses my dick, wet and sloppy, and slides his hand off my balls to massage my taint. "There's more I'd like to do with you." 

I swallow down the lump in my throat. "That sounds nice, but it's okay with me if you need to jerk off or something. You look restless." 

Seiji only responds by shaking his head and going back to what he was doing, closing his eyes and bobbing his head up and down faster. I whine and my toes curl - holy shit, does that feel good. He stops suddenly, and I think I know why - yeah, I feel him swallow. I'm really horny, so I must have already started dripping precum. Satisfied, he sits up on his knees and takes his hands off of me. "Alright. I think you're ready now." 

"Huh?!" I am definitely not ready! He didn't even finger me or anything! I can't take his dick like this... but, as I think it, the thought loses form. Seiji pulls off his shirt, his nipples stiff, and he takes off his briefs. How the hell is he so sexy. He's not completely hard, but he's definitely horny. I'm wondering how he's going to put it inside me when... he reaches behind himself, bites his lip, and - "Oh my god," I gasp, and he moans. He just pulled a butt plug out of himself, slick with lube. Looking back, no wonder he looked so restless. It's not as big as me, but it's still a pretty decent size, and, by the shape, looks like it was pressing up against his prostate for most of the night. "How long was that in you?" 

"About an hour before you got here, but quickly, I don't want to have to prep again." Seiji straddles my hips, looking me over, and grabs onto my dick. "This is okay?" 

"More than okay." My mind isn't fully grasping what's happening, but it's really hot and I want to have sex with Seiji so whatever is happening is totally okay with me. "If it's too much, just - "

"Daichi, I know," he hisses and then - both of us moan, mine stifled in my throat and his open and clear, as he pushes himself open again with my dick, bearing down on me as he slowly sits down. His legs are shaking, so I grip his waist with my hands, steadying him. "Daichiiii," he pants, his chest heaving. His eyes are dark, blown-out with lust, and his lips have very rarely looked so inviting. Too bad I can't kiss him from this angle. 

My hands slide down to his thighs. I'm fully inside of him now, and it's so tight, it's so hot, it feels really different from vag and it's intense but I have to stay lucid for him instead of losing myself in it. "Seiji." He whimpers, even as his body stops trembling so much, and looks back at me. "You okay?" 

In response, he nods and starts rocking his hips, sliding up and down on me slightly. I move with him, timing my thrusts with his minute movements. I think - yeah, I make sure to move carefully and can tell by the way his dick is growing in front of me that I'm rubbing against his prostate. His breaths give way to moans, and I feel - happy. I feel happy. Seiji and I are having sex and it's not weird, and Seiji looks like he's really enjoying it, too. There's one thing, though, I think to myself as we start speeding up, his hips and mine bumping into each other with a rhythmic consistency...

"Seiji." He looks down at me and stops. "Touch yourself." 

He was already blushing from having sex, but I swear he's blushing more. "What?" 

I caress his thighs and hips, squeezing his butt before resting my hands on his pelvis. "I want you to feel good. And I love the look on your face when you jack off for me, it's really sexy..." I grasp onto him. "I know you wanted to make this about me, but I feel best when you're feeling good. I can thrust if you have issues multitasking." 

"Generous..." he tries joking, but he's a little embarrassed. Hesitantly, he touches himself, and he shivers at the feeling of his fingers on his shaft. He contracts around me, too, and I hold onto him tighter. "Hahhh..." 

"No rush. Don't push yourself."

"Shut up." He isn't saying that to be mean, he's just having problems concentrating. I take one of my hands off his hips and take his other hand in my own. After a moment of mild surprise, his eyes widening and his body jolting slightly (I can feel it around me, he's that tight), he relaxes and starts stroking himself off, closing his eyes. "Nnnn..." I squeeze his hand and he jerks his hand faster, no even rhythm but fast enough that it looks like he's actually masturbating and not afraid of it. He looks comfortable, so I take my cue and slowly start rocking into him. He moans and his eyes open, looking directly at me. Into me. He's not the only one who has ever looked at me like that, but I really feel like we can communicate with each other just by looking at each other. "Daichi..." He lets go of my hand and brushes the hair out of his face as he starts moving his hips in time with his hand. 

I help him, assisting his hips while I thrust. This is really hot. Seiji's insides are warm and melting around me, clinging to my shape, and I feel something warm building in the pit of my stomach. Seiji looks like he's already halfway there, precum dribbling between his fingers. I want to push him over the edge. "Show me... where you'd like me to touch you, if I was on top of you," I ask him. 

Seiji shivers, and moves his spare hand to his nipple. "Here..." he manages, and cries out as he pinches it, tweaking and twisting as he jerks and squeezes his dick harder and faster. 

"Let me." Seiji lowers his hand and puts it behind himself to support him, and I raise my hands to his chest. He moans my name, long and low, as I take over rubbing and pinching his boobs. This position is really good, because it's hot seeing Seiji in control of the depth and angle and the view is really something else, but part of me wants to flip him over, his knees at my sides, legs wrapped around me, and finish like that. It'd let me kiss him, too. But, as it is, we're both getting really close anyway. Maybe next time. 

Seiji bends over, curling into himself a little, his breath fast and shaky. His fist is skimming against my stomach as he jerks himself off. "Daichi, it feels good, it feels very good," he gasps. I take one of my hands off his chest and steady his hips and buck up into him, reveling in the long, whimpering moans I hear as a result. He's squeezing onto me, almost feeling like he's milking my dick, and he seems like he's about ready to come. 

"Same for me," I tell him, pounding him faster. We can barely keep up with each other now, our bodies crashing together randomly and without finesse, but he's so hot and I'm so horny that I don't even care. Honestly, even if Seiji was a shitty lay, I wouldn't care, but he's not so I lucked out there. This has been a long time coming, so it doesn't surprise me that it's getting messy towards the end. Speaking of messy... "I'm gonna come soon," I warn him. 

Seiji suddenly stops moving. At first, I'm a little worried for him, but then I see that he's fisting his dick really fast. "Come inside me, come inside me," he whimpers, almost there. I grip onto his hips hard. As I thrust into him as vigorously as I can, many images and thoughts cross my mind. The first time we met. The time that he helped me off of the convenience store stoop. The first time we drank beer together, the one time when he offered me a smoke, dozens of study sessions and dinners out. The first time we kissed and it wasn't by accident or on impulse. The first time he told me that he loved me. I'm really turned on, but my heart feels equally hot. 

It dawns on me. I could spend my life with Seiji. 

My orgasm comes so fast and seemingly out of nowhere that it knocks the wind out of me. I'm holding onto Seiji for dear life and squinting my eyes shut, groaning as I unload inside of him. Shortly after I start, jets of electricity shooting from my stomach and up my legs through my dick, I feel Seiji start to come on my belly, too. He clenches around me as he comes, trembling and gasping as we both come down off that high. As soon as he's done, he slumps on top of me and puts his arms on either side of me. I look him over, trying to make sure that he's okay, but he's kissing me before I can think too hard. 

Ah... I could really get used to this, I think to myself as I wrap my arms around him and kiss him back, rubbing his back and holding him as dearly as I can. I could get used to doing this with Seiji, or even if I can't do that, I could get used to sharing a bed with him. Sharing a place with him, sharing meals with him, sharing both the small and the big things in life with him. Kissing him, being able to hold his hand before we go off to work every morning and being there to greet him when he comes home, no matter if we've had good days or bad. Just being able to be with Seiji is enough. 

This is serious, but I don't feel bad about it right now. 

When Seiji wriggles from my arms and makes a motion to pull away, I try looking at him a little more deeply. "Are you doing okay?" 

He nods, wiping his mouth and sitting back on his knees, grabbing some tissues to wipe us at least moderately clean from bodily fluids and lube. "You?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine." I smile sheepishly. "That was... really good, dude." Seiji looks away, embarrassed, but I can tell by the look on his face that he agrees. I sit up and hug him again, and he leans back against me. It's nice feeling like Seiji can rely on me as much as I rely on him... 

He sharply inhales and holds his breath. Alarmed, I pull away enough to look at Seiji's face. He's blushing slightly, and the look on his face is complex. "I thought you were going to tell me that, back in Okinawa, that last night... because that's what I was thinking. That it was good. I thought you were going to say many things that you didn't." This time, I hold him instead of saying anything, simply rubbing his arm, even though there's more I could say right now. I want him to be able to let it out first. "I know sex meant something different to you than it did to me, but you also seemed to at least like everybody who you had sex with... I thought... perhaps you were going to tell me that you loved me, and I would have accepted it, because I..." I think Seiji realizes that he's talking way more than he normally would at this point and is self-conscious, but he also doesn't stop because he probably also feels like he needs to finish at this point. "I was waiting for that confession for a long time. And I was ready for you." 

"But you weren't, really," I tell him kindly. "That place fucked us both up." It's been a while since Seiji has had the really bad nightmares, but we both still wake up a few times a month alarmed, sometimes not knowing where we are. It's going to be a long time until we fully heal, if we ever do. 

Laughing sadly to himself, he shakes his head. "No, I suppose you're right. It wouldn't have been romantic and the timing would have been wrong, even if I wanted it to go that way at the time." His expression hasn't shifted much. He takes my arm and wraps it around his waist, holding my hand in his. "I was... excited for our vacation. You apologize a lot for it, but, in a way..." The look on his face is weird. Kind of guilty, and kind of happy at the same time. Maybe something else there as well. "In a way, it went the way I wanted it to." 

"Hm?" 

He sighs. "I said, I waited for your confession for a long time." He pauses, turning the words over in his mouth. "I longed for it, too." 

It clicks. "Oh..." Mentally, it's clicking, but I don't think I emotionally understand yet. I'm going to let him finish. 

"I did not hate the time I spent with my girlfriends. I liked them. Maybe even loved one or two of them." He leans against me harder, pressing his face into my chest. "But, whenever they left, you were the one who I couldn't get off my mind." That sounds really familiar. My heart is pounding. "I only wanted to be with you, as long as I could, as much as I was able. It may be unusual, but in a way, it's the natural progression of things. Being without you seems much stranger than growing away from you, as is the case with many childhood friends." 

"I'm not brave like you," I laugh weakly. Seiji looks up at me, confused. "How can you just, be okay with that and not worry about anything else? About what your family might think? Your friends? What might happen to your career?"

He shakes his head. "You're the bravest man I know. I'm just stubborn, and probably foolish." 

I feel really bad. "I'm... I'm sorry if I kept you waiting for a long time." 

"It wouldn't have worked out this way if we hadn't waited." Seiji's hair is warm and ticklish under my chin. "And I am fine with keeping things as they are now, if that is what makes you most comfortable." What _does_ make me most comfortable? This, or something else, something I haven't tried before, something that I both might want and am definitely afraid of?

...I can't answer that tonight. "I dunno." I hug him one last time before letting go, allowing him to sit up straight next to me. "Can I stay the night?" 

"You don't need to ask." He stands up and wipes himself down briefly with a tissue a second time, catching what little he missed. "I will take a shower first, then you. Sound fair?" 

"Yeah. I'll change the sheets." Seiji nods and disappears in the bathroom. Before I change the sheets, I collapse on the bed and pull out my phone. Hino texted me through RHINE. 

>I don't get jewelry shit, dude  
>I know you wear necklaces sometimes  
>Which one of these do you think is best

He then linked me to three different rings. 

>I'm not sure what Aoi would like most idk

I rub my eyes and check them out before responding. 

>I'd ask her mom about the kind of stuff she likes   
>Or look at the stuff she already owns   
>It's an engagement ring, it probably doesn't need to be that flashy

My mind starts going places that I'm not ready for it to go, so I close down the app before Hino can respond and stare at the ceiling for a minute, centering myself before I get the spare linens and make the bed, fresh and new, making sure there are no wrinkles and the corners are tucked in neatly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew... sorry again for the long wait! I'm hoping everything will be done by the end of the month though and I've already started working on the next chapter, so please bear with me a little longer. Thank you for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

The weeks go by faster than I thought possible, and suddenly it's spring, and the cherry blossoms are blooming and I'm teaching. It's a little surreal, actually living my dream, although the reality that this dream is going to make me poor for a while as I'm paying back my loans is kicking in, too. Still, it's worth it. I'm teaching a class of third graders, and they are really fun and cute. They seem to like me, too. Seiji tells me it's because I'm an overgrown kid, but he's teasing. I can scold them and settle them down when they're getting out of control just fine, and I know deep down that they appreciate the discipline. There are a few kids I'm keeping an eye out for, and trying to do my best for them... but I also know it's not right to pick favorites, so I make sure that I'm not giving them very special treatment. Just making sure that their hours at school are not intolerable, as I'm guessing their lives at home aren't the best. I know the looks on their faces, because it was the same face I saw in the mirror for the first half of my life. I might be able to help them out of their situations if I pay attention or talk to their parents, and I might not (I can see in retrospect that my teacher tried, but there's only so much we can do in the current system), but I can at least make them smile and be happy at school, and I keep some fruit hidden in my desk if someone looks really hungry and doesn't have a lunch. 

Seiji's settling in well, too. I don't know everything that he's doing, because half of it flies over my head and half of it he shouldn't tell me anyway, but it seems like he is working with disadvantaged kids in mind whenever he can. Doesn't seem like the sector he was assigned to at first is involved in that stuff a lot, but Seiji always sees the big picture and is able to grasp consequences that a lot of people might not think of. He's working really hard, and there are days when he comes home discouraged that he can't change the world as fast as he hoped he could, but I'm almost always able to put a smile back on his face with a joke or a hug. I think, more than anything, that he's relieved that he doesn't have to rely on his parents so much. He finally has the independence that he craved, and with that, he's been able to put into words what giving me a spare key meant. "You can live here," he tells me casually one day in mid-May over dinner. "It's closer to where you work, anyway." 

Before I give him my answer, there's something else bugging me. "Why did you wait three months _after_ you gave me a key to ask me?" 

He lifts his hand to his face, like he wants to put a cigarette between his lips, and I wonder if he's going to have that nervous tic for the rest of his life. "For my father," he says slowly, looking away. "He was still helping me with payments, and I had to play by his unspoken rules. I can afford it now, even easier if you assist me with what you are currently paying at your apartment, so there is no need for me to live beneath his shadow." He looks at his watch thoughtfully. "I care for my father, and I believe he loves me dearly as his second son, but he is wrong at times and we often disagree." 

"Is this about why you started smoking?" 

Seiji closes his eyes and lets out a soft laugh. "Perhaps a little. I never explained, did I?" I take some vegetables from the middle of the table and shake my head, placing them on top of the raw tuna that I brought for myself. "He is over it now, but he did not like you when we were children." 

After swallowing, I ask, "Is this related to the whole, not following the family legacy and going to a high school that was beneath you so you could go to school with me thing?"

"There was more to it than that. He thought that you were the one that was a bad influence on me." He rolls his eyes. "Rather shortsighted of him, for he would have been able to tell if he had done any research that it was _me_ that kept sneaking alcohol into the house to drink on weekends, not you. And you did not force me to smoke, you thought it was disgusting when you tried, and you tried to wiggle your way out of our study sessions in the beginning. You did not force me to hang out with you, or threaten me. But, of course, my father jumped to conclusions because of the people you were friends with at the time, and because of your parents." He shrugs. "He knows better now, and while I can't say for sure that he likes you, I am confident that he no longer dislikes you. You've proven yourself to be the honest and hardworking man I always knew you were." 

"He was probably just worried about you. Everything was kinda fucked." 

He nods. "Probably. But that doesn't mean that he was right." Seiji eats a mouthful of rice, and continues. "Nor does it mean that I should be barred from cohabiting with you as an adult. Neither of us are children anymore." 

Wait... "Did you really start smoking because you were pissed off that your dad didn't like me?" 

"Yes." Seiji shakes his head apologetically. "I realize now that it was very stupid, but who isn't when they are 15?" He leans forward. "And, I always wanted him to like you. It was frustrating when he couldn't see the same things that I saw in you." 

"Your dad seems like a cool guy," I say vaguely. He intimidates me a little from the few times that we've met, but I never thought he was a cruel or bad person. Seiji is more than his birthright, but there are some people where having a solid upbringing instills certain values, like duty. The ways that Seiji and his dad show that sense of duty are pretty different, but he seems like an upstanding man who knows what he's doing most of the time and knows what he's about, and sticks by his morals and principles. Like Seiji does. I don't know him well enough to know for sure how much we'd agree on things, but... while I don't necessarily think that kids end up exactly the same as their parents, it's pretty clear to me that Seiji learned a lot from his dad, so he can't be all bad. 

"I would like it if you could get along, someday." Out the window, the sun has just finished setting, the red sky making way to purple and dark blue hues. Seiji is looking past it, past the skyscrapers and busy streets below us, somewhere far away, somewhere that doesn't exist yet. A formless place that has no name, or no name that I can use, where promises are made and fulfilled. I hope I can see it too, in the future. 

But not today. "I'd like that, too, but it's not good to live with someone when you're not married." 

Seiji nods, looking slightly, but not entirely, defeated. "I see. I can respect that." 

There might have been an unintended implication in my words, but neither of us mention it, and Seiji doesn't seem even a little offended by my refusal. We finish dinner in peace and sit together on Seiji's futon, half paying attention to the horror movie playing on the TV and half reading, him a novel on his tablet and me, my students' exercises. The night ends as it does once or twice a week, with Seiji, careful and slow, pinning my wrists above my head as he thrusts inside me, no longer hyper-vigilantly scrutinizing my expression for discomfort or fear. He can tell when it suddenly becomes bad, and it rarely does without warning. We've needed to stop a few times since March, but it's getting easier and easier, on both ends, on both sides. Having sex with him is becoming more and more natural, with no fear or apprehension attached, both giving and receiving. I'm able to come and not feel guilty or sorry for myself. Seiji can openly tell me to stop if it's too much for him. And we talk about having sex, even just to confirm that we both want it, before diving in... and sometimes, we just hug each other in bed through the night, waiting for sunrise to break our embrace.

I don't know if we can ever be normal, I think to myself in the afterglow, holding Seiji against my chest and kissing the top of his head (his shape still imprinted inside me), but maybe someday I'll look back and think that this is the best I've ever had, that this time with Seiji is the happiest I've been with another person, even through the occasional sudden "stop"s and midnight mutual crying. Maybe because of those things. It's nice to not feel like a defect, or like I'm crazy. He understands. He loves me, and I never feel like I have to prove myself for anything. He is waiting for me, and I hope he doesn't regret that the time he spends here might be for nothing.

~*~

And spring comes and goes, my first school year on the opposite end of the desk going much faster than I thought it would. Just as we start getting more comfortable with each other in a student/teacher way, my first summer vacation sneaks up on me. Originally, I was planning on helping out as much as I could with planning school activities and next semester's syllabus, but a letter in the mail changes that.

"Hino's getting married," I tell Seiji. Well, I already knew this, but the invitations came out. Probably means it's okay for me to talk about it, because Hino wanted things to be quiet at first. "It's not going to be a big wedding, maybe fifty people, but I'm going to be one of the groomsmen." 

"Good for him," Seiji says as he drinks his oolong tea. 

I swallow. "I... can have a guest. If you wanted to come." We just got home, so I haven't fully settled down into the evening routine yet, but today wasn't stressful enough to warrant the nervousness I feel now. "Um, it's not going to be far from here, it's going to be a more western-style wedding and I was thinking I'd take a long weekend off. Friday and Saturday, in early August. You would only have to take Saturday off, probably, unless you wanted to come to the rehearsal and stuff..." 

"I'll come with you. For all of it." That both makes me excited and even more anxious at the same time. "Hino... is alright with me coming?" 

I bite the inside of my cheek. "Well, I didn't say it explicitly, but I'm pretty sure he understands and doesn't think it's weird." What really happened was more like, Hino asked me straight up _So Seiji's going to be your guest, right? I'll plan on him sitting with you at the reception,_ and I didn't have time or the will to correct him and tell him that I didn't know if he was coming or not. I still haven't told him that we're an item, but we haven't even told each other that we're an item, although day by day it's becoming clearer that this is a long-term, monogamous thing. Hell, despite not officially living with each other, we spend more time at each other's places than alone, and when we can't be together, we usually at least text each other goodnight. Kind of embarrassing that I haven't even called him my b... alright, can't even do that in my head. "Uh... I don't know how everybody else feels about it, so." 

"I was expecting to go as your friend. Don't worry." Seiji smiles at me. "Weddings are exciting. I haven't been to many, just my brother's, but it was a very memorable experience. In a good way." 

I smile back at him, weakly, fluffing his hair. "Yeah, I'm sure it's going to be great." 

"Relax and have fun. It'll be fine." 

So, I'm trying, trying to relax thinking about things that haven't even happened yet, but the thought of going to the wedding with Seiji is making me even more restless. After Seiji falls asleep, after dinner and sex and a shower, I squirm out of his arms and take a run around the block a few times, trying to do anything to get all of this excess nervousness out of my body. I'm fixating on one thing way too hard. Everything else has become routine and normal, so why can't I let this one thing go? It's dark above me, but there are hints of stars hiding behind the clouds.

~*~

The date approaches quickly, and there's a lot to do before then. Making sure that my nice suit still fits (thankfully, it does), speeches to write, friends to meet up with again, friends I haven't hung out with in a while. I love spending time with Seiji, obviously, but it's really nice to be able to see all my friends again. I've seen Miwa a few times over the past few months, but it's great to see him more. He's the best man over me, but I'm not offended at all. Miwa seems like... he's got less going on, and I think it was partially out of consideration to me that Hino didn't make me an enormous part of the service. I guess he knows that there's a lot on my mind.

I get to know Aoi a little better, too. She does stuff with her own family and friends more than anything, but she wants to get to know us too. I wouldn't describe her as like, movie-star beautiful, but she's very pretty in her own way. From afar, she gives off this mysterious vibe, and she's very smart and mature one-on-one. Kind of the big sister type, but she has a slightly childish side, too. The first time I see her after the proposal, she's laughing at a joke that Hino made, covering her mouth with her hand and her eyes scrunched in amusement. I'm a little surprised, but I hear her whisper a dick joke to him at one point and he starts cracking up as quietly as he can, without giving away why he's laughing. They look really happy together, holding hands, being able to be by each other's side. Hino ended up picking a simple, silver-colored band for their engagement - nothing too fancy, but it suits her, and it looks nice enough. 

Every time I see them, a seedling grows inside me and gets so big that I have to do visible things to ignore it, like chewing on my lip until I bite off the skin. This is stupid. After everybody else has left the pub, I pull Hino aside. "So... dude."

"Yeah?" All of his anxiousness in the time before the wedding is gone. I am happy for him that he is relaxed again, and I'm hoping maybe it'll rub off on me. Maybe a few things will. 

I take in a shaky breath. "Uh, I know this sounds weird, but... where did you get the ring?"

~*~

I can't go through with it. Once a week, I walk into the store, look at the men's rings, and freak out and immediately leave before I can even think about prices, which is even more above my head. Maybe I'm not actually ready for this, I tell myself. Yeah, I love Seiji and all, and he loves me, and he asked me to live with him, and there are more signs that he'd say yes than him saying no, but maybe _I'm_ the one holding myself back more than anything. Why? What's scaring me so much?

I think about this long and hard, in the shower every morning. I have a lot of things in my life. I have a job that makes me happy with a steady income, a lot of fun friends to hang out with, and a few really good ones who try to help me as best as they can while dealing with their own bullshit. And... I have Seiji, who makes me really happy like he's brand new, even though I've known him for over half my life now. He's undoubtedly the most important person in my life, my anchor, my closest friend and the closest I have to family and my lover all at once, and, this has been really scary because I'm already risking a lot. What would happen to me now if he suddenly vanished from my life? 

Something evil rises to the surface of my thoughts, something I thought I exiled long ago. Maybe, if I ask for too much, am too much of a burden, if I want things that I know I shouldn't have, he will leave me like my parents did. Seiji taught me that, yes, I deserved food, yes, I deserved shelter. Yes, I deserved love. He was stubborn and did not give up on me until I let other people back into my heart again. But I asked, weakly, for those things when I was a kid, and all I got in return was an empty refrigerator and humid, stale air in the heat of summer. If I asked Seiji and offered my life, would that be too much for him? Seiji has limits, too, and he always told me no whenever we joked around. I mean, I'm pretty sure that was all joking, mostly. I hold my head. I was three quarters, maybe half joking. 

Maybe Seiji knows deep down that he and I shouldn't be together. I'm poor, and he's rich. I'm not smart like he is. And we're both guys. It's a mess. It doesn't matter that we've been best friends for most of our lives, or that we make each other happy, it doesn't make sense for us to be together and it could tear him apart from his family. It would hurt me so bad to see that happen to him, because, even though they don't always get along, I know he really loves his family so much, and I would have done anything to have a family like his growing up. At the worst of times, this feels like a dirty secret, because I can't ruin him. I'd never forgive myself if I did. I can't force him into an arrangement that would make me selfishly happy at the expense of... his entire life. 

A logical part of me, after looking everything over, at least accepts that I can't and shouldn't blame myself for his attraction to me, but I can control whether I make him suffer for it. I stop going into the jewelry store and my anxiousness recedes to the back of my mind, content with being able to see Seiji as often as I do and be romantic with him in private, our kisses and hand-holding behind closed doors, only implicit amongst my friends. The status of my relationship with Seiji is even vague between us, and that's fine with me. Just as long as I don't hurt him.

~*~

The wedding is nice. I stop worrying so much about Seiji, just in general, and enjoy my time, with my friends and having Seiji by my side. Nobody says anything about him being there, and many of them are happy to see him. Truth be told, I'm happy to see Seiji, too. I've been so focused on this and... other things, I guess, that I didn't go over to his place as often. He didn't bother me, either, but it didn't seem in an irritated way, more that he was absorbed in something. Must be work related, so I didn't really think about it. Seiji is all smiles and relaxed during the wedding, but I see him keep peeking glances at me during the reception dinner. I'm not sure exactly what's up, so I pat his knee and smile at him sympathetically. He was able to stand for pictures fine and was kind and cordial to everybody at the wedding, especially Aoi and Hino, but maybe he's anxious to leave because I'm the only person he's actually close with here. Uncharacteristically, he drinks three glasses of wine over the course of the night. I know he's not the biggest fan of crowds of people - he doesn't hate it, but I know that's not how he'd prefer to spend his time, if he could spend it differently.

To my surprise, though, we're some of the last people there. He socializes fine, and even holds our old classmate's daughter in his arms until she falls asleep. It'd be a lie if I said that the sight didn't stir something within me, but I can't think about that tonight. At midnight, when the reception finally breaks up so the husband and bride can go on their honeymoon and spend quality time alone, Seiji and I leave the hotel. The only really suspicious thing we did all night was one dance together, but - there were other friends dancing, too. Although I guess it probably looked weird that I leaned my face against Seiji's shoulder and held him close to me, but nobody seemed to notice or care. 

"Are we going back to your place?" Seiji tends to prefer that when there's an option, so it seems normal for me to suggest that. 

He shakes his head. "There's still more I'd like to do with you tonight, if you don't mind staying up later. Let's meet up at the park by our old route home, back when we were in middle school. After we get changed out of these," Seiji gestures to our suits. "It's too hot to be wearing this all night." 

How late is Seiji planning on staying up...? It's been a while since he drank last, so at least he's not drunk. "Okay, yeah, I'm awake enough." I rub the back of my neck. "Tonight was really fun, but... it'll be nice to spend some time alone with you." 

Seiji smiles. "I agree. I'll see you soon." 

It's so late by the time we meet up there. Almost 3. But, when I see Seiji, almost looking more handsome in his street clothes than in formalwear, I can't say that I mind, all the energy returning to my body. The street lamps and signs from the convenience store light up our walk, and we stay together in a comfortable silence. Sometimes, I wonder if we look like an odd pair, his stoic appearance mismatching my excited one, but there's nobody to watch us out here. Every once in a while, we see random people walking their dogs, or a few people coming home from the night shift, but for the most part... it's just us. 

For once, I don't flinch or think about it when Seiji holds onto my hand. I simply close my eyes and lace my fingers with his. 

We talk, about work, about the wedding, about the people we met and talked to and hadn't seen in a while. Idle things, nothing that's really important, but being with Seiji is the important part. I thought I'd be tired, but I must have caught my third wind or something, because my sails aren't flagging at all. Seiji himself is bubbling over with an energy that surprises me, his words unusually animated and bright. It takes me a half hour to realize that he's nervous, looking off to the side and staring at his cuticles in lulls in conversation, and I'm not sure why. It's just me, and I'm holding his hand. That should tell him enough that I'm here and that I care about him, right? I don't even remember what we're talking about anymore, but the time comes where the night is pressing deep on us and we can't ignore it anymore. 

It's the space between night and dawn, and the silence is louder than my heart beating in my chest and Seiji's pulse against my fingertips. We've walked a ways, a bit past the park and towards the pond we used to cross to get to Seiji's house, and an inky purple starts breaking up the dark of night at the horizon. 

"Daichi." Seiji is suddenly serious. We stop walking, sitting down at a bench overlooking the water. He's pouting, and his palm is a little sweaty. 

I lean against his shoulder. "Are you okay? You seem a little off tonight." 

"Yes. Just thinking... about something that's been bothering me." I'm listening. He sighs, hesitant. "This may sound foolish." 

"Don't worry, I won't laugh." I sit up, because leaning on him made me a little sleepy. I want to be awake for this. 

Slowly, he pulls the thought out of his mind, as if guided by a string, much more coherent than I would have been if I asked a similar question. "I've noticed the past few months that you stopped asking if you could marry me over trivial things. I always said no, because I thought your reasons were shallow and not thought through and likely a joke, but..." he trails off. "...I also liked being asked." Come to think of it, he's right. I haven't asked him to marry me in a long time. I didn't notice myself that I had stopped. "I understood that you were messing with me, but, at the same time... were you?" 

I pull my hand out of his and my heart speeds up, remembering the last time I asked him... I think it was as far back as November. I don't even remember what it was over, it could have been a lot of things - the way he ate his food, the sweater he was wearing, the sound advice he gave me over schoolwork. My mind floods with the way the corners of his mouth drooped into a little frown as he told me no in his laconic way, and, the soft, nostalgic longing I felt as he rejected me. It was a rejection I knew was going to happen before I even asked, but a part of it hurt every time, a small hurt like getting a paper cut. I knew we couldn't get married, because that's really scary, and a little messed up, and back then I never thought Seiji would ever say yes, because why would he change his answer after all these years? I think I started asking him back in high school, after my first girlfriend dumped me. This past year must be weird for him, looking back, because I suddenly stopped. Then again, we suddenly started having sex. Not sure which one is weirder...

Seiji's nervous, too, which is making me more nervous, although he's trying his best to hide it and be strong for me. "Part of me thought you were the littlest bit serious, especially after Okinawa." I don't know how to respond to Seiji, so instead I stare at him stupidly. He clears his throat and looks off into the distance, the first rays of sun peeking over the horizon now in warming oranges and pinks. "Is there a reason why you stopped asking? Did the idea no longer appeal to you, even in jest?" 

"I knew you were gonna say no." Seiji looks back at me and tilts his head, and I fix what I said. "You always had before, and, um. It hurt." 

He frowns. "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay. I shouldn't have joked about something so serious." I kick my legs, dragging my feet back and forth against the dirt. "Besides, I know you're picky. I always expected you to say no." I want to add _Even if I was serious, I never would have hated you for saying no to a guy like me,_ but I can't. We sit in silence for a minute. I'm not sure what Seiji is thinking, or if he was going to go anywhere with his thought. He looks serious, and maybe a little regretful. "Hey." I hold onto Seiji's hand again, and he looks back at me. I smile the best I can for him. "I'm here now, right?" 

"So you are." He squeezes my hand and looks onto the water. "A lot changes in a year." 

"You can say that again." 

"A lot changes in a year," he says, deadpan. I snort, but he shakes his head and continues. "So much is different. We are no longer in school, I am living on my own, and our friends are settling down into adulthood." A slight breeze ruffles his hair as he speaks. "There have been times where I wondered if we would be able to get through this together, or if it would be too much for either or both of us. But, this year has convinced me. We can withstand anything together." He's fidgeting with his spare hand, rolling something back and forth in his pocket. 

A part of me wants to kiss him, fuck being in public, but I restrain myself and press my weight into his shoulder instead. "We make a good team. Lots of my friends say so." 

"Do they?" 

"Mmm." Not all of them have figured out that Seiji and I are fucking, but pretty much everybody has commented that they're happy to see Seiji and I getting along, because we've been thick as thieves since we were little, and it's like nothing has changed. How little they know. "They say stuff like, 'I didn't get why you guys hung out together so much, but I get it now. You're lucky to have a guy like Seiji as your best friend, and it must feel nice to stay that close to him.'" He wraps his arm around my shoulders. "It does feel nice, to be close." 

"Sharing things with you has always felt natural." 

"Yeah, and spending time together. Even when we're into different things, like when you're reading your nerdy sci-fi books and I'm playing games on my phone, it's just fun to be in the same room with you. It makes me happy." 

"It makes me happy, too. You make me laugh and smile more than anyone else." His nose gently ruffles my hair. "There is one more thing I want to share with you that I haven't already, even though it is many years in the future." 

I pull away from him and freeze. Is he...? "You don't have to share things with me just for my sake," I blurt out. 

"Have you considered, Daichi, that this is something that I want, and that you are not imposing?" He is rolling something back and forth in his left palm, no longer fidgeting in his pocket. "We are almost always together. We often share a bed, share meals together, spend as much time with each other as is possible." The sun, showing its face for the first time in what feels like ages, reflects in Seiji's glasses. "If you are willing..." he starts, his voice quivering, "...I would like to share my space in the family plot with you." 

Kind of old fashioned, I think to myself as Seiji puts his sweaty hand over mine and places a silver band in my hand. It suits him, though. I can't imagine him blurting out "Come on, let's get married!" the same way I would for years on end. I wasn't expecting it to go like this, and I wasn't expecting this to happen at all. I thought it was going to be me, if I ever got the nerve, if I ever decided that I'd prefer to be in something more stable and defined even if there might be unwanted consequences that go with it. I guess that's how it is with every marriage, though. "Is this happening?" I ask, unsure if I'm talking to myself or to him. "Are you really doing this?" Okay... I guess I am talking more to myself, because I feel crazy but if Seiji is the one asking, I think there's only one way I can respond to his request. 

He hesitates, looking away. "You do not have to give your answer now, but I would prefer if you gave it some thought before telling me no and that I'm a fool. I know this was sudden." 

I shake my head. "It's not. I've been thinking about this too." My body is shaking, but, looking into his eyes, I give him my answer, both verbally and symbolically. "It would make me... unbelievably happy to spend my life with you," I tell him, and slide the ring onto my finger. It fits. I look up at him, and there are happy tears in the corners of his eyes. "Like you said, we can—"

For the first time, the sun rising doesn't part us, but brings us closer, Seiji's arms wrapping around me excitedly as we kiss in the new daylight for the first time, the rest of my thought caught between Seiji's teeth and tongue. We'll have time (our entire lives) to hash it out later.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for not giving Seiji's brother a name, I just haven't read through the Rn9 complete works book completely and don't want to use something that isn't canon!

The summer sun cascades through my open hotel window, and the sea breeze wafts through the curtains, gently parting them. I can taste the salt on my lips as I wake, blinking as I get accustomed to this room. It is the first and last time I will be sleeping here, and the last time I am sleeping alone, bar for any business trips. My chest tightens in anticipation. Today is my long-awaited wedding day. 

I sit up and take my watch, the one that my father gave me as a gift for high school graduation, off the nightstand to check the time. It's early yet. There are still a few hours until I am allowed to see Daichi, until I can take his hand and never let go. While I am aware that this is mostly a formality, as I've already added Daichi to my family registry and he has already moved into my apartment (our apartment now, I think with a smile), I find the symbolism romantic. 

"Okinawa?" I had asked him around six months ago. We begun wedding planning after being engaged for a few months, and was taken aback by his suggestion at the time. 

He smiled shyly, so uncharacteristic of the Daichi that hit on girls all the time, the one who I had thought for years did not return the feelings I had for him despite his constant marriage propositions, but very much in the way that I had come to know over our extended courtship. "I know you said no when we came home, but I thought it might be nice." 

"I'm unsure why you think it would be nice." I raised my eyebrow at him. 

"Well, everybody who knows us thinks that we became a thing there." He snorted. "They're kind of half right. But that's not why." 

"Why, then?"

He leaned his chin against his fist and looked at me dreamily, in the way that always makes me feel weak and soft. "I still wanted to go, someday. Make some nice memories there to offset the bad ones. We don't have nightmares so much anymore." Daichi closed his eyes, imagining, and I could almost feel it with him. "Summer. The ocean. The sun. Romance." He opened his eyes and gave me a kind, but resolute look. "They were taken from us. We should take them back." 

So here we are. Real sun, fresh air, summer in full swing. We may have been here before, but it might as well be the first time - there is so much to explore and enjoy with Daichi. Just like everything else ahead. I must say, I'm looking forward to it. 

Time passes, as it does. The sun rises, I shower and shave, eat a small breakfast and get dressed. My brother comes, helps me get ready, tries to chit-chat to calm me down. I don't feel particularly anxious. Daichi and I planned things the best we could, and the rehearsals went well. I have memorized what I want to say. If anything, I'm more worried that my family will make a scene during the wedding, but most of them have at least decided to tolerate my decision to marry a man. I'm not the eldest, so I am spared the pressure my brother was under. Still. I want Daichi to feel like he is a part of our family now, that he has a real family that he can call his own. 

"I dunno why you picked me," he told me a week ago, as we started packing for our trip. He looked at my thorough list, furrowed his brows, and looked at me across the apartment, genuinely confused despite everything. "What'd I do to deserve you?" 

"It's not as if you could do anything to deserve to be loved," I replied as I looked for sunscreen and bug spray in our bathroom. It may get repetitive at times, but I don't mind giving Daichi the reassurance that he needs. I wonder if part of his apprehension was that we had officially doubled the length of his previous longest relationship - perhaps the planned permanence of our engagement was settling in. "I simply do." He hugged me from behind and I dropped the sunscreen on the floor. 

The sun is still fairly low, but, outside, everything is bright and beautiful. There are few puffy, white clouds in the sky, and the tide is gently tugging down the sand. Because we are by the ocean, the humidity isn't too terrible. It's the perfect day. 

We decided on a secular, Western-style wedding. Daichi said he can't resist the way I look in a suit after our first date, and, well... Anyway. I slick back my hair, making sure it's even and neat. Everything seems to be in order, and I stop thinking so hard about getting myself prepared. As I look myself in the mirror, checking myself for any flaws, I notice my hands are trembling. I'm not the only one. 

"Scared after all?" My brother pats me on the back. 

I shake my head. "Not scared. Nervous, maybe."

He shrugs. "That's normal. This is one of the biggest days of your life. I was pretty terrified myself, but you were always more naturally cool-headed than me." 

"Perhaps." I have an unspoken advantage - I've known Daichi for over half of my life. Most people can't say that about their spouse when they get married. I have a good feeling that he isn't going to leave. 

He raises his hand to ruffle my hair, like he used to do when we were children, but then stops after realizing that I just spent five minutes styling it. "You ready?"

"As much as I'll ever be." And this is true. I doubt any more practice or waiting would make me any more prepared. 

I still have to wait an hour. Typical me, being prepared long before I need to be. I'm sure Daichi is scrambling and his friends are trying to get him ready. I worry about that part of him at times, but I trust and know he will always be there when he needs to be. He's one of the most reliable people I know. 

It's 9:30, and the ceremony is at 10. It's almost time. We leave the hotel and make our way to the beach, the sun shimmering patterns along the beautiful, turquoise sea. My heart is in my throat. 

I wait, increasingly anxious, as I see my family and our friends arrive and get seated. I am a few dozen meters away, watching from afar. This feels right, but it's big, even if there are less than 20 people here. 

"Seiji." 

I turn to my right and there he is, illuminated by the morning sun, his smile far brighter. It's warmer than the air around us and definitely more soothing. He looks good in white. I'm momentarily awestruck by the encompassing goodness that is Daichi, the man who is imminently my husband. I desperately want to hug him, to kiss and hold him, but that comes later. I swallow. "Daichi. Hello." 

He laughs, half-genuine and half-anxious, and grabs my hand. It's surprisingly sweaty, but so is his. "Don't look like that, you're going to make me nervous." 

"I'm not nervous," I protest. 

"Suppose not. You're my husband." My heart races, despite his terrible dad joke. "Or you're gonna be soon." I look past the wedding party and at the sea, waves breaking along the shore. I can sense Daichi turn his head towards the ocean too, and he cocks his head fondly. "It's pretty, huh?"

"It is." 

Something in my heart bursts wide open, filling my entire body with an enveloping warmth, as Daichi laces his fingers with mine. Suddenly, I realize there's nothing to be afraid of, and that this is something new and good. Any old fears are locked behind me. "We should get going, shouldn't we?" 

I squeeze his hand back. "We should. Let's go." 

We walk down the aisle together, hand in hand, and the sun must be in my eyes, for, when I look at Daichi, I find it hard to see past his handsome, smiling face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, wow, been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry for the huge delay between the penultimate and final chapters, the tl;dr is mental health got the better of me (2017 wasn't a good year). I originally had something more elaborate planned for an ending that went into more of Seiji's family backstory, but decided not to for a few reasons. I figured it would clutter up the ending to suddenly add a lot of "lore", and that I can add more stuff from Seiji's POV in add-on fics later and it's better to finish this once and for all.
> 
> Thank you all for reading, especially those of you who have stuck around from the beginning. This is the first piece of fiction over 20k words I have ever finished (shockingly enough!) and I really enjoyed writing it. There are still parts that need to be edited, but for now, I am glad that I was able to finish this and share it with you.


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